June 18, 2009

Poop and Circumstance

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 12:32 am by letterstoelias

Hello Love,

Today was a good day and hard day in many respects.  Things started out pretty quiet, just getting some laundry done around the house and the girls were playing rather well together.  Then, it’s a long story but my attempt to have a quick shower ended up with C pooping on her chair, which then resulted in C joining me in the shower, then of course E had to come in too, all the while Cali ate most of C’s poop.  I was so disgusted I banished her to the yard for almost the entire day.  My mom came over to borrow the pressure washer and we discovered a great deal of rat poop in the back shed.  Fortunately at a glance nothing looks chewed or damaged, but we’ll need to look at it further I’m sure.  Ok, I’ll try not to talk about poop any more . . . .

After lunch Jana, Edelle and Tamaryn came over and we went out to the park which was nice.  I so wish you could have seen that park – you would have loved taking the girls there.  E was in a bit of an ‘off’ mood for part of the day today though, and I feel bad as my patience was short with her at times.  While at the park a woman started chatting with me and I thought she seemed familiar.  When I saw her granddaughter I realized we had met this woman a few months ago as her granddaughter goes to E’s class, and she had been very sweet as we talked with her about our situation (I hate calling it that . . . ) when we met her at class one day – I recall she was almost moved to tears and said she was going to go home and light a candle for us.  Moments after I realized who she was, I could see that she had also realized who I was.  She didn’t say anything really – the girls had been talking and the woman asked her granddaughter how she knew E, and I said ‘Oh, that’s right – the girls are in ballet together’.  She looked at me and said ‘Oh . . . right’ with a sudden tone of sadness.  We didn’t talk much more after that – though mainly because I had to run off after C, and then they left shortly thereafter – but I sensed she may have felt a little unsure what to say or uncomfortable in some way.  I don’t know what it was really, but there was a definite shift in the mood of our conversation.  I moved on to the swings with C, next to a man with his daughter who was around the same age, someone I didn’t know.  We were chatting a bit and while I’ve found it so hard to go out and be social sometimes (aside from the visits and talks with friends and such) since he didn’t know you or I or anything about our ‘situation’ I thought I’d give it a try.  All was going well until we were discussing our kids and hair colour, etc and he asked me what their Dad’s hair is like.  ‘IS’ like.  I stuck with answering ‘brown’ and leaving it at that.  It’s always the little things.

In the evening Anna came by with her kids, as well another girl who lives across the street and we went back up to the park along with some food for dinner.  It was a nice time as we had a picnic of sorts while the kids played.  It was a beautiful, warm night.  I ran into a few more people we knew – a mom from La Leche League, Steph from the Blackfish and a few others.  I thanked Steph for the bursary donation and found out who it is going to.  I don’t think I should say here just yet as I don’t know if it’s a surprise to the student or not, but I’m going to assume it is.  The presentation will be next week and I’ll try to go, and then I can let you know who got it.  E and Finlay played wonderfully together and C is getting incredibly brave at the park now too.  She was insisting on climbing up the rock wall (Bridie would have been so proud to see it!) and must have gone up it a couple dozen times – then down the biggest slides completely on her own.  When we were getting ready to leave it was getting late and E started melting down a bit.  I was pretty tired too by that point, but it was nice spending time with Anna and Bob and their kids.  E was pretty much done by the time we bed, but at least she fell asleep fast.

This coming weekend will be tough, but I’m trying to prepare myself now.  The dance show is Saturday, then Sunday is Father’s day, the two month anniversary of the eve of your death, as well as the longest day of the year which I found awfully fitting.  I used to love the summer solstice and the long days of sunlight, but it doesn’t mean so much to me now.  Though I’m sure if it was the dead of winter with the shortest days of the year I wouldn’t particularly care for that either.  It doesn’t really mater either way since you are not here to share the days with me.  Some people ask if it’s getting any easier – but in fact I feel the opposite.  I may not cry as the drop of a hat any more (though don’t get me wrong, I still cry plenty), but there is more of a constant, heavy feeling.  A persistent dull ache.  Though not always so dull.  I miss you more now than ever as the shock of your death, busyness of the funeral, going on the trip and settling in back home has all passed and now we are just down to the nitty gritty every day routine without you here.  See, there are the tears.  As I lay in bed with the girls last night I was considering the idea of going back to our bed soon – but I’m not sure why since just a couple hours before I came out of the room crying after saying good night to ‘you’ (your ashes).  I guess I still need time, but the fact that I was considering it was a step forward I suppose.

People say I’m strong, but I really think I’m more stubborn.  Determined not to let this thing take over me.  The grief comes in waves and sometimes I get knocked down, but I always seem to get back up.  The crappy thing is I know there will be another one coming, but I’ve heard they get more spread out eventually.  Right now it’s a tsunami.  I’m having a terrible time just picking a preschool for E.  I know it’s just preschool – it’s not the end of the world or a major decision (you would probably tell me not to even bother with it, you never saw the point), but I think it’s just the fact that I have to make this decision alone that is the real problem.  One of countless to come.

Anyhow, I’m rambling (as usual) and probably gradually making less and less sense as I’m getting tired so I’m going to get to bed (I’ll have to come back in the morning to edit, so until then please excuse the post – hopefully you’ll get the idea) as I’m literally falling asleep while writing this.

Missing you,

~C~

P.S. I Love You

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1 Comment »

  1. Bridie said,

    Hey you. Just thinking of you and thought I’d pop in. Sorry about all the poop! The poop of the rat variety would have had me frozen with fear!

    I have more thoughts I’m don’t seem able to articulate here. I’ll call you later and maybe they’ll be more clear as dialogue : )


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