June 20, 2009

Last night I cried . . .

Posted in Uncategorized tagged at 1:03 am by letterstoelias

. . . probably the hardest I’ve cried since the day you died.  I don’t know the exact reason; I think it was just a whole lot of everything.

The day started out not too bad, feeling low on energy but that’s pretty much the norm these days.  I had a physio appointment in the afternoon which was nice – I’m going because I know you would have continued to nag me about getting treatment for my little aches and pains that I usually wait to self correct.  You always wanted me to go so I’m doing it as much for you as for myself in a way.  If nothing else it’s an hour to myself and it’s relaxing so that’s nice.  In the late afternoon we had to go to the dress rehearsal for the dance show.  My mom wasn’t available to take them and I figured I was going to have to go to the show anyhow, so I should have a little ‘rehearsal’ of my own.

Nothing remarkable happened that was upsetting, but it took almost an hour longer than expected and it was right across dinner time.  C did pretty well, at least for the first run through.  They wanted to do it a second time but by then she was having none of it.  E conquered her fear of Captain Hook – at first she didn’t want to go near him, but as soon as the music came on she clicked into her routine and was just fine.  She was so excited by it all.  By the time we left, however, I was completely exhausted and starving – and you know how I get with low blood sugar.  Luckily I had some pasta that just needed to be heated up for dinner, but by the time dinner was done and the girls were getting ready for bed I was ready to cry.  I didn’t at that point mind you.  I got the girls to bed and as I lay there waiting for them to fall asleep it occurred to me that I wish I had come up with something to give them for the show that they could have as a reminder of you.  I thought it would be nice to be able to find lockets, but was worried that I had run out of time and why hadn’t I thought of it earlier?  I thought there was still a chance though, so planned to figure it out the next day.  Once they were asleep I started getting a few items for dinner the next night ready.  I invited Buz, Sian, Brandon and Dylan over for dinner and was going to make veggie shepherds pie and salad with your dressing.  I made the mashed potatoes and dressing, then sat down to watch a little tv and have a snack.  It was as I was getting ready for bed that it all came apart.  I just started crying.

Of course that’s not particularly unusual, but it became more of a deep sob that I just couldn’t stop and it knocked me right down to the floor.  I had gone back to the family room as to not wake the girls – and somehow I didn’t.  I guess it was one of those ‘waves’ of grief I mentioned in my last letter.  A bigger one than usual.  Everything just seemed so hard and I felt like I couldn’t do it any longer on my own – or more to be more precise, without you.  Like I said, it’s not any one thing in particular that day that was remarkably difficult, it’s just doing it all without you.  I miss you.  I need you.  I must have cried for 30-40mins at least.  The tears felt so warm, my eyes hurt, my head felt so congested it felt as if it was going to explode.  It all needed to come out though – I had noticed earlier in the week that I hadn’t really cried much in the past few days.  It upsets E still and while I try to explain that crying is ok, healthy and important, and I want her to feel comfortable expressing her emotions and seeing me do so, I know that it’s still scary for her to see her mom that way so I try to avoid it for the most part.  I still need that release, mind you, and I guess since I hadn’t had the chance recently it all came out at once.  And came out hard.  At the time I didn’t think I’d physically, mentally or emotionally be able to make it through another day, yet here I am.  Still moving, one foot in front of the other.

After I finally came out of it, I was even more exhausted and fell asleep on the couch.  Not an accident however, I just didn’t feel like going to bed.  I woke up at about 2am and then went to bed, though I was restless with a few odd dreams (not so good).  C and I were out of bed by 7:30 am and it was a new day.  I was still feeling pretty rough from the night before initially, but my mom called and offered to take E to Sechelt to go shopping with her.  While at first thought it was a great idea and looked forward to a bit of a break by having only one of the girls, I then realized it would be a good opportunity to find lockets for the girls so we all went.  My mom took E to a few stores and I was able to find just what I was looking for.  Of course the beautiful white gold ones were about $150/each, but I found a couple for MUCH less.  Maybe one day I’ll upgrade.  Buz, Sian and the boys came over in the afternoon and by then I was feeling a fair bit better.  Sian entertained the kids while I finished the dinner and chatted with Buz.  It was a great afternoon and the dinner turned out really nice too – I was quite proud of myself actually.  It was no meal you would have put on, but it was all right.  The kids play so great together, and we had to laugh when E and Brandon shut themselves in E’s room with the lights off so they could play with the light up lady bug.  We joked that they wouldn’t be allowed to do that when they are older.  It was a nice night.

After they left and I got the girls to bed I started working on the lockets.  I still find it somewhat difficult looking at pictures of you as it breaks my heart how much I miss you and to see your face in photos – realizing I’ll never see it again.  Feeling so desperate to see it again.  Looking at photos of your birthday and realizing it was the last.  Looking at E’s birthday photos and realizing it was her last with you.  And so on, and so on.  I guess it’s not really a realization as I already know this, but looking at the photos just brings it home.  At any rate, I managed to find a photo and print it small enough, and after many, MANY tries I put one locket together for each of the girls.  One side with your face and one side with their face.  I may be able to get them engraved one day as well.

I know you’ll be watching them dance tomorrow, but this way it feels as if it brings you a little closer.  Your mom and Claude will be coming to watch – they’ll be here in the morning and then watch the first show and go back in the afternoon.  It will be nice to see them and for the girls to get a bit of time with them as well.  Anyhow, it’s getting late as usual and I’m just past the time I wanted to get to bed (I’m working on it), so the editing will have to wait for another day.  In the meantime, I wanted to share a few photos from the rehearsal (sorry they’re not great shots . . . ) and a few of you watching over the girls as they paint (yes, those are your shrits they are wearing as smocks, but they were your work shirts).  And by the way, the same picture of your face is in our car – E wanted me to put it on her window so you could come with us wherever we go.

❤ Always,

~C~

P.S. I Love You

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2 Comments »

  1. Roads said,

    Long nights of tears and not much sleep. They happen, and tiredness makes them worse. Who knows why they come — but it’s not as if you need an excuse. That’s how it is, and sometimes it all flows out of you. It hurts, but that is grief doing its work. I’m sorry.

    All best wishes from London.

  2. letterstoelias said,

    Thanks again Roads,

    I read a wonderful quote yesterday that sums up why the grief hits so hard:

    “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Kahlil Gibran

    Elias was my true delight.

    Hope all is well in London,
    ~C~


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