June 21, 2009

Happy Father’s Day

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 10:54 pm by letterstoelias

Sometimes the words flow freely when I sit down to write to you, and other times I stare for a while at my screen not knowing where to begin and what to say.  Today seems to be the latter.  I think that’s mainly because I feel like there is so much to say that I don’t know where to begin, and on a day like today, it’s particularly difficult.  Your absence is greatly magnified today, if that is even possible.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do today, so I ended up going along with my parents into town to visit with each set of my grandparents.  It was nice to see them all, albeit short visits.  We got to see some of the other Cotters as well which is always nice.  I was still a bit tired from the business of the dance show the day before, so I was glad we arranged to fit the girls and I in the back of my parent’s car so I didn’t have to drive.  During dinner, after we returned home, I told E that I was going to write a letter to you tonight and asked if there was anything she wanted to say.  She said a few words, then asked if she could write you a letter herself (with a little of my help) before bed.  I thought it was a fitting way to end the day and honour you. June 09 122

The letter is with you now in our room.  Something else that made the day incredibly special – as E and I were talking about the letter during dinner, C kept looking up to the sky and saying hi and talking to you – apparently about her dinner as a couple of times she would babble and point to her food then look back up to you.  Later, as I was getting her into her pajammies, I went to move her locket out of the way of the zipper and she asked me (in her own way) to open it.  After I did so, she grabbed it and said ‘Dada’ . . . for the first time.  I was so surprised and at first thought I must have misheard until E excitedly confirmed it.  C then repeated it a number of times happily while looking at her locket.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Not since she was an infant in her babbling stage has she said anything close to Dada, and this time it was clear as can be and definitely connected to you.  For so long looking at pictures with her, even while you were still here, I would encourage her to say anything remotely like Daddy, yet she chose today of all days to say it.  Amazing.

As for the lockets, I gave them to each of the girls before the show yesterday.  They both love them.  E barely took a hand off hers the entire time before getting on stage, and she even did half her dance with a hand on it.  It was only when her choreography called for her to use two hands to throw fairy dust on Captain Hook, that she finally took her hand off the locket to do so.  She is very happy to have it and it is clearly extremely special to her.  Each of the girls often ask me to open it so they can look at it themselves or so they can show it to someone else.  I also see each of them kissing it from time to time. Peter Pan Show - June 09 079

The show went well; the girls had a great time and your parents enjoyed it too – it was really nice that they came out for it.  C was adorable and I went up on stage with her to help her through the routine, but it was just cute and fun and that’s what it’s all about, really.  E didn’t miss a beat with her choreography and had a great time too.  She loved watching the show as well.

I am going to get to bed now (I’ll add a few more photos from the show tomorrow) – my neck has been stiff for two days now and I can feel quite a headache coming on.  I don’t know that tomorrow will be an easy day as it has now been two months that you have been gone.  I don’t know why the mark of two months is any different than 1 month and 25 days, 6 days, 99 days, etc.  It just seems like each ‘anniversary’ has an extra kick to the soul.  Today, I will go to bed thinking of you for what you loved to be most in the world – a Father.  Nothing ever meant more to you and I don’t believe there was anything you could have loved more than those two little girls.  E even felt the kiss you sent her tonight.  After we had our talk with you before bed tonight, she said her usual ‘I love you Daddy’, then paused for a moment and said, ‘Thank you Daddy’.  When I asked her what she said thank you for, she said, ‘For the big kiss he gave me’.

To an amazing, wonderful father, and the man I love – good night.

March 09 143


P.S.  I Love You

P.S.  I Love You Daddy (E asked me to add that to my letter)



  1. Roads said,

    You explain it so well, how it cracks you up inside. I can relive these days as I read. It’s miserable, appallingly miserable, and yet at the same time there’s this incredible dignity of devotion and enduring love amidst all that desolation which offers just a faint flicker of light to hold against the darkness.

    The amazing thing is that we see these days coming, from a distance of all those months past, but we just can’t ever imagine it will be as hard as this. It’s a different journey entirely from the one you were travelling before.

    Wonderful lockets. It hurts so much to give them, but they’ll go forwards with you all on each and every day. Precious gifts won’t come any more appreciated than these. Well done.

  2. letterstoelias said,

    Thank you Roads,

    Your understanding means a great deal to me, though I am sorry you had to live through much of the same. I’m sorry anyone has to. I was so pleased with the lockets, and even more so with how well they were received. I see how much the girls value them and not as a pretty piece of jewlery, but for what is inside. It warms my heart.


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