June 24, 2009

The Lone Arranger

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 11:50 pm by letterstoelias

Hello my Love,

I’ve had a rough couple of days this week.  I miss you immensely.  I stayed up far too late last night watching the series finale of Prison Break – and we were right, it ended with him dying of a brain tumour.  Lovely.  I figured it was coming, but I had to watch given your love/hate relationship with the show.  I imagined laughing at and criticizing the show with you for all the horrible inconsistencies.  Still, in the end I cried – no, not for the loss of Michael Scofield, but for you.  This morning I woke up just feeling tired and overwhelmed trying to keep up with it all on top of the heartache that comes with missing you.  I felt so guilty because something set me off and I just had to yell – I didn’t yell directly at the girls, in fact mostly I was in other rooms, but I was just upset and feeling like I couldn’t be everything I need to be and do all I need to do.  All the laundry, all the cooking, all the parenting, all the decisions, all the income, all the cleaning, all the yard work, all the Mama, all the Daddy.  It was just one of those moments where it felt like too much and I just had to yell.    It’s incredibly daunting.  It upset E though and she cried, and in the end so did I.  When I calmed down I called her over and tried to explain that I wasn’t yelling at her I was just tired and sad and that I miss you, and that it’s hard for me now with all the extra work to do by myself.  She’s so terribly sweet – she offered to help with the laundry.  I’m glad I was able to take a moment to share with her how I was feeling honestly, but I still feel bad for letting it get to that point around the girls.

Monday started out difficult too – C spilled an entire strawberry smoothie all over me and the white chair.  Then as I was just finishing cleaning that I turn around and her porridge is on the floor.  But the afternoon picked up as Sian and Buz ended up taking E for the afternoon and while C napped I was able to get a bunch of paperwork done.  Then when Sian brought E back she helped with some laundry while I got dinner ready, and she even stayed to help start getting the girls ready for bed.  It was such a HUGE help.  That day Anna also dropped by with a nice card and an iced cap for me, and Greg came by and mowed the lawn.  I am ever thankful that I have my mom too, who had been helping out as always.  All these ways people are helping and I still feel overwhelmed sometimes.  I really believe it is just missing you that is the hardest though, and then it all just comes out other ways and makes everything else seem that much harder, because in general I think I’m keeping up with the house and all ‘relatively’ well.  I know I’m not really alone with all the people supporting me – it’s just that without you here, I feel terribly alone.

As for the rest of today, I was fortunate that after my little fit in the morning, Brenda called and I was able to vent a bit with her and have a bit more of a cry while the girls were busy eating breakfast in the other room.  Then my mom and I went up to Canadian Tire with the girls to pick up a trampoline.  Yes, a trampoline.  My parents wanted to get one for C as an early birthday present so they could use it in the summer.  I remember how I always wanted a trampoline when I was a kid . . . funny how they wouldn’t get ME one =).  Anyhow, my mom took the girls in her car because she had to pay and I went alone in our car because I needed the seats down to fit the box in.  Since I was alone in the car I put on the Tragically Hip at full blast and sang along REALLY loud which helped me feel a bit better.  I’m sure Brenda would appreciate this as I recall a few outings where she and I did the same in high school.  I also remember when you and I first started dating and you were pretty surprised that I knew all the words to their songs (though today I discovered I’m a little rusty).  I believe I irritated you a bit because I would always sing while driving and you thought I wasn’t listening to you when you would talk to me, but you came to appreciate that I could do both, and I think you also came to appreciate my ability to learn song lyrics quickly.  I can’t remember who we were talking to but I recall you mentioning it to someone quite recently as a matter of fact.

When we got the trampoline home, the idea was for Anna to take E out for a bit and to put C down for a nap so my mom and I could set it up.  We have had amazing weather lately, but of course today it rained.  Anna still took E but C didn’t nap and we didn’t feel like assembling it in the rain, so it will have to wait for another day.  Mrs. Penny’s daughter Zoe came by with some dinner for us though, so I had her in for tea and we had a great visit.  Tomorrow night is the Chat grad and I’ll be going to present the bursary in your name.  I don’t need to speak, just hand it over, but I think it will still be a bit emotional for me.  My dad is coming too though, which is good.  I haven’t had the chance to talk with your brothers at all lately because our mac crashed, and hopefully my laptop will survive but I think it has some sort of virus right now because it’s been acting up the past two days.  As long as I can keep writing to you though, that’s all I need.  I’ll have to go to my parent’s house if my laptop crashes I suppose – but I’ll have to find another time to write as I doubt 12am works for them, or the girls.

It’s been nice having the help with people taking E out in the afternoon while C naps (or is supposed to nap), or take both girls for a bit – I hate feeling like I ‘need’ time away from the girls as I’ve never really experienced that before, but I’m finding that it’s really important once in a while right now.  I just get so little time to myself.  For myself.  Even when they’re asleep it’s not like I can go out for a walk, and I’m always listening on the monitor and having to pop in if they stir sometimes, so I’m always ‘on duty’.  Even though on those few occasions I’ve had time alone – really alone – I’ve taken to doing housework or paperwork, it’s nice just to not have to be ‘on duty’.  Refereeing and cleaning up pee.  Maybe next time someone takes them I’ll finally use that hair colour I bought last summer and dye my hair.  Probably not though.

I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m just complaining about the girls – I guess it may come across that way, but that wasn’t my intent.  I’m just feeling beat these days, in so many ways, and it makes it harder to have the patience and energy for them that I wish I had, and that I used to have.  Hopefully that will come back in time.  One thing that would help, though, is getting more sleep, so off to bed I go.  I always feel like there’s so much more to tell you, but I guess it will have to wait for another day. . . but I will add some of the photos from the show on the weekend.


P.S. I Love You



  1. Roads said,

    Who ever realised there was so much cancer and death and bereavement in TV programmes before. You never notice it, and then suddenly every time you turn on it reaches out to grab you.

    My sister took me to the cinema to see ‘Evita’ the week after Jenny died. Good to get out and enjoy the music. Of course, we’d both forgotten about the long death scene where Eva is dying of cancer. But it was there, waiting just the same. Pretty realistic, too.

    • letterstoelias said,

      It is everywhere – just this past week my sister put on a movie for my older daughter, Mr McGoriam’s Wonder Emporium, forgetting that a character dies in it. It was interesting and sad to see how my daughter reacted.
      I hoped it might open her up to talk a little more about how she feels having lost her Daddy, but she still keeps pretty tight lipped about that. I just try to let her know I’m there to listen any time, and trust it will come in time. She’s still so young, and while quite mature for her age, I’m sure she doesn’t even fully understand how she feels – I hardly do!

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