June 29, 2009

Easing back in

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , at 1:02 pm by letterstoelias

Hello my Love,

I’m writing to you from the middle of the day today – and from our bedroom. Sian and Buz offered to take the girls for the day so I could have time to myself, and they’ve offered to do so every week.  I am so thankful.  I don’t need to tell you how much I LOVE the girls, but it’s important for me to have time to think and cry and listen to loud music and cry.  I’ve been thinking a lot about starting to sleep in our room again. In our bed. It’s still hard to fathom sleeping there without you, but I feel I need to have some of my own space now so I’m going to try. I figure if I can take the time on my own today to prepare the room, find a way to make it a comfortable space again for me, that may help. I need to organize the area where ‘you’ are. I think having that area clean and clear with just you and things to honour you will help. I still have such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that you, the man I love more than anything in the world, has been reduced to ashes in a box on my dresser. There are just so many things wrong with that. I know it’s your body and that your soul and spirit are free, but that’s little comfort at times like this. The hands I used to hold, the chest I would rest my head upon, the shoulders that caught my tears, the arms that would lift me when we hugged, the lips I would kiss, the eyes . . . the only eyes that could ever really see me – all turned to dust.

Most of me is in there too now. I have been burned beyond repair. The old me can’t be fixed so it’s just a matter of trying to build new. Start over. The fraction of me that is left has managed to keep going so far – and while there have been countless times I didn’t think I could make it any further, somehow I did. Like now, for example. This is the first time I’ve really sat on our bed. Probably the longest I’ve even been in our room in the past 68 days – actually, longer considering we were gone for the month before you died. I’m hoping I can find some warmth in here again. It will seem so strange to sleep alone. I stumbled across a song today and I had to listen to it over and over again as it hit home hard, ‘When You Are Gone’ by the Cranberries. I can’t recall if it was your CD or mine, we both liked them. These are the words of the second chorus:

Hold onto my hands, I feel I’m sinking, sinking without you.

And to my mind, everything’s stinking, stinking without you.

And in the night, I could be helpless, I could be lonely, sleeping without you.

And in the day everything’s complex, there’s nothing simple, when I’m not around you.

But I’ll miss you when you’re gone, that is what I do.  Hey Baby

And it’s going to carry on, that is what I do.  Hey Baby . . .

Makes me cry every time.  But I had to laugh while looking through our music collection – such a variety of genres, and many of the CD’s were yours from before we were together or odd ones you would pick up because you liked one song. I loved that you had an appreciation for everything from Nine Inch Nails to Love Inc. I didn’t always understand your taste, but I appreciated it. Aside from a few odd ones, we had such similar tastes and doubles of some CD’s. As much as I can’t stand it, I will hold on to the Alanis Morisette one because I remember when we started dating and I found it – I just couldn’t believe that you liked that CD. It was almost a deal breaker.

Music is such a trigger though. And it’s everywhere. I decided the other day that I was going to venture out to London Drugs for the first time. I figured, I managed to get through the dance recital, and perhaps I could manage to stop in quick for a few necessities – sunscreen, toothpaste, toothbrushes for the girls, etc. As I pulled into the parking lot I realized it was probably a mistake. I hadn’t been thinking of the fact that it was Saturday and it was incredibly busy. I had my mom come with me, but we ran into 4 people before even getting in the store. I managed to get the sunscreen, but as I moved to the dental care isle I noticed the song playing. ‘Lucky’, by Jason Mraz and Colbie Callait. It came out not long before you died. If you heard it you would remember I’m sure (I probably drove you crazy with it) – I loved that song and I would turn it up loud and sing along while driving, holding your hand between shifting gears (another reason I was disappointed to get a standard vehicle):

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams. I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart,You make it easier when life gets hard
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
They don't know how long it takes, waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye, I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

I always felt so lucky to be with you.  Even when things were really hard and you would ask me how I could be so happy – I would tell you that as long as I had you with me I had reason to be happy and it was ok.  Now, you’re not coming home someday.  Our luck ran out.  Needless to say, when that song came on I almost lost it – right there next to the dental floss.  After London Drugs, we moved on to go to Coco’s Clothing.  I still had money left on my gift certificate and they were having a sale.  I know a lot of people find therapy in shopping, and you can’t beat that it wasn’t my money, but it wasn’t therapeutic for me.  Not in the mood.  It feels so strange to try and think about shopping and new clothes right now.  The girls were running in and out of the dressing room while I was half dressed and I was just getting more frustrated.  Still, I managed to buy a few things – mostly black.  Interesting.  I’m so thankful to Sandy from Kerns for the gift certificate, and I appreciate the clothes (and needed some new ones), it’s just hard right now to shop.

Yesterday was a pretty peaceful day – the girls are enjoying the trampoline so much.  I was able to do some gardening the other morning while they played around on it.  Dug up some more roots and thought this photo would go well with my other letter to you about the structure of roots. 

It takes so many to hold up one

It takes so many to hold up one

We’ve had a great deal of strawberries this year – I don’t know that I’ve seen so many in past years.  One was exceptionally large, and we called it ‘Frankenberry’.



I made waffles this morning.  Last time I made them C complained that I didn’t do the fluffy stuff that Daddy would hold over her head.  I wasn’t sure at all how you did that, but I somehow figured out that you separated the egg whites and just whisked the hell out of them.  I remember the whisking part, but I wasn’t sure what it was that you whisked.  I gave it a try anyhow, and it was working, but my arm started to feel like it was going to fall off so I stopped before it was thick enough to hold them over E’s head, but she seemed satisfied enough.  Then she promptly instructed me to ‘fold them in now’.  It gave me such pleasure to hear her use a cooking term that I knew she picked up from you.  Not only that, she saw I still had the whisk in my hand and continued, ‘not with that!  You have to use the blue one’, pointing to my spatula.  I let her ‘fold in’ some of it (because ‘Daddy always lets me help with this part’) and I could see how much she had learned from cooking with you.  It was nice.  And the waffles were much better than last time I made them, so it was worth the extra effort.

 June 09 231

Now, if I had been thinking like you, I would have made the strawberries into a topping for the waffles.  I guess I’ll get there some day.  I’m also trying to fix the little crack in the tub so I can have showers in our bathroom again.  Another way I can have just a bit of my own space (when I actually make time to have a shower that is).  The fridge started ‘ticking’ in an odd way this morning.  I really hope it doesn’t break down.  The apple computer officially crashed, my camera has been acting up a bit, my laptop had an odd bug but I seemed to have worked that out.  Sometimes it feels like everything’s breaking down.  So many little things too that I would normally have you to help with – trying to get the bottom off the blender so I could put it in the dishwasher.  I don’t know how I get it on there so tight in the first place, even you would have a hard time getting it off.

I am incredibly grateful for the wonderfulness that is Buz and Sian for taking the girls today – and I guess I’ve procrastinated long enough and I should get working on the bedroom.  I’ve lasted in here for over an hour now though as I’ve been writing, and though I’ve cried I’m still here.  It’s a start.


P.S. I Love You


1 Comment »

  1. Bridie said,

    That must have been such hard step for you. I hope that eventually the space will give you a sense of comfort .


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