July 13, 2009

I just don’t get it

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 12:17 am by letterstoelias

Hello My Love,

We made it home safe and sound last night – with much thanks to you watching over us I’m sure.  We left Bridie’s bright and early, 4:45am Vancouver time.  We were making great time, smooth sailing with a few short breaks along the way, and were shaping up to make the 4:30 ferry home when we came to a stop as we were coming into Chilliwack (seconds after E announced she needed to go pee) on the #1.  Not too far ahead I could see the flashing lights and it was obvious there was an accident.  We were fairly close to it and I figured it shouldn’t take long to get past.  As we drew closer I noticed a great number of people standing around the sides of the highway, on balconies overlooking it, watching the ‘action’.  I noticed that no traffic was coming from the other direction, and it slowly became clear that it must have been quite serious as there was an incredible number of emergency vehicles attending.  It didn’t take long to pass and E was able to hold on for us to pull off at the next exit, but from the looks of things there was no question it was a bad crash.  The cars on the other side of the highway that had been stopped stretched on, and on, and people were getting out of their cars, some trying to find ways to leave that didn’t involve the wait.

At that point we were still likely to make the 4:30 ferry, until we hit another stop just before entering Surrey, still on the #1.  This time it was a much slower crawl and we couldn’t see anything ahead to indicate we would be through it any time soon.  After taking close to 30 mins to get from 192nd ave to 176th, it was clear we wouldn’t make the ferry after all.  We turned on the radio to hear the traffic reports.  The highway was closed between 160th and 152nd and was being re-routed due to a motorcycle accident a few hours earlier in the day.  Someone had died.  Missing the ferry quickly became incredibly unimportant.  We then also heard that in the crash we passed shortly before, two people had died – and that accident happened not long before we were there.

Lives change in a heartbeat.  Not that I didn’t already know that, but there we were, driving past places where three people lost their lives in an instant.  I couldn’t get my mind off the countless people that were to be affected by that instant.  Not the hundreds stuck in traffic of course, but the hundreds of family, friends and loved ones of those three people.  And they probably didn’t even know it yet.  Those stuck in the traffic would certainly be inconvenienced – some I’m sure quite angry by it – loss of time, waste of gas, uncomfortably hot, annoyingly re-routed, what a hassle.  Loss of life lives.  Families torn apart.  Perspective.

We were ‘fortunate’ that the highway re-opened just before we would have had to re-route, but it didn’t matter much to me.  Yeah, it would have made my day much easier to make that ferry, I had a very disgruntled 21 month old in the back and we were all tired – but there are so many bigger things.  Much bigger.  Maybe it’s because the stress of loosing you has been all encompassing, but even less gets to me now.  From the time you were diagnosed we both found that we were more relaxed about the ‘little stuff’, but I find I’ve taken that even further in some ways.  I find myself saying, ‘Bigger things’ quite often these days.

Aside from all that, on the rest of the drive home the girls did well – and C fared much better on the way home.  E was amazing the whole time, both ways.  I was thankful to come home to Sian waiting to help get the girls ready for bed, and she had even made dinner for us, though since we caught the later ferry, we had already eaten at the terminal, but it made for a great dinner tonight with plenty left over.  I also had the chance to ichat with Peter and Ally last night – it was great to see them as with my computer down we hadn’t chatted for some time.  Ally is doing great and they are now in ‘wait mode’.  I can’t believe  your baby brother is going to have a baby soon.  Peter is going to be a dad, and a great one at that.  It makes me so sad to know you won’t be here to see it.  Your little niece or nephew will not get to know their Uncle Elias.

And our girls won’t get to know their Dad.  I was so tired this morning, and C is still apparently on MDT as she woke up at 5:15am, so after breakfast I knew I needed to take the girls out and get some fresh air and action or we would all be headed for crazy town with me behind the wheel.  I thought it would be a nice change to get them riding their bikes on the road – E on her bike with the training wheels and C on her Skuut.  It was relatively early and a Sunday so I knew the road would be quiet.  They had never ridden outside the backyard.  As soon as we got out there and I started helping E along the way, it hit me how much you should have been there for that.  It’s not like she was riding without the training wheels for the first time or anything, but it was a first and something you would have loved to be a part of, and I would have loved watching.  And taking pictures of.  It’s much harder to help both the girls on their bikes AND take pictures (as you’ll notice by the crappy shots I’m sure).  E worked so hard – you would have been incredibly proud.  I could picture you cheering her on.   I could hear your calm reassurance and excited encouragement.  These things I know about you, but they won’t.

I had the amazing pleasure of knowing you for 13yrs, 3 months and 22 days.  That wasn’t long enough for me – E and C got totally ripped off.  I don’t understand.  All these people in the world who try to live life right -wonderful parents, loving spouses, good people who treat themselves and others well – and they are taken away, or their loved ones are taken from them.  People who make the world a better place just by being in it, people like you, gone.  And I’m sorry, but I don’t believe it’s because ‘God has work for you in Heaven’, or ‘God only takes the people he likes best’, or ‘You are in a better place now’.  Right now I don’t want to believe that there is some ‘greater plan’ – what could have been greater than you and I living our lives out together, raising our girls together, loving eachother more every day?  It has nothing to do with belief in God or not – just that I would rather have  you here.  With me.  With the girls.  Besides, I highly doubt God doesn’t like seniors – if he only takes the people he likes best, how come people like my Grandma are still here???  It’s impossible to not like her, and I don’t know anyone who loves God more.

I don’t know if it’s just because I was so tired from the trip home yesterday or the bike riding this morning, but I was missing you even more than usual today.  No major wave of grief, just a stronger overall ache.  I miss you with every breath I take.  There is nothing that doesn’t make me think of you and just how much I miss you.  I want you back so badly and it hurts so much to know that it won’t happen – I can’t even begin to express it.

I have more I wanted to tell you about the trip, but as always, I’ll save it for another day in order to try to get some sleep.  I’ll add a fewbike photos below tonight and save the trip photos for the next letter as I’ve already gone on so long.  Thanks again for watching over us.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Joe said,

    Hello there,

    I think the section of highway around Chilliwack exists solely for the purpose of causing accidents – glad you made it home safe.

    Here’s some other stuff I think. I don’t think we are supposed to be able to understand why bad things happen to good people. Certainly what happened to Elias is not fair, just or right. You two should have had more time together, no question. But look at his legacy, some people go their whole lives without having a beautiful family, a community that loves and misses him and a place as special as the one he holds in your heart. We always want more time but we must also look at what we did with the time we had. I think Elias did more than most with what he was given.

    Your girls will know who their dad is, I have no doubt you will make certain of that. But even more than that, he is a part of them – the quirks you see in them that are his, their spirit and all the little things they do that are a part of who he is. Noitce that I say who he is – even though he is gone, a huge part of him is still with you, in your spirit and in the girls themselves. He will always be a part of who they are and I hope when you see his traits in them that it brings a smile to your face.

    Sometimes there is no answer for why something happens and that isn’t fair. Maybe we don’t get the answer until we find out what comes after this life. One thing I do know is that if we are defined by what we leave behind, then Elias lived his life very well indeed.

    Take care.


  2. Roads said,

    Great bike pictures. Little steps, and each so painful, I know — but together they make up the journey you’ll have to make. The hardest steps are these first ones, now falling behind your feet. The trail gets easier, once you find your footing.

  3. sky scofield said,

    hey girls, chels

    man everyday feels like the first we lost him… keep hanging in there!! youre such a strong women its ok to ask for help as i am so stuburn too!!! in my eyes youre doing an amazing job! Elias just so you know you hang on mine and tracys fridge where you love to be we see you everyday and think about your beautiful family a few times aday…. miss you bud you were like a bestfriend to me and the best teacher!!! love the pics chels!! your girls are angels! im leaving today to head to prince george hope the roads are ok and we get there safe aswell!!! thinking of you just thought id say hi!!

    love sky

    • letterstoelias said,

      Hello Sky – always so nice to hear from you. I really appreciate that you keep Elias, the girls and I in your thoughts – I hope you know that you meant a lot to Elias too. He often spoke of you, and I always enjoyed our chats too.
      Best of luck on your drive to Prince George!

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