July 16, 2009

It’s not about the watch

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 1:35 am by letterstoelias

Hello My Love,

Wow, have I been missing you these days.  Sometimes it is just harder than others (not that any day is exactly easy, mind you).  I don’t know that it’s because of anything in particular, or that it needs to be – it just is.  No ‘anniversaries’, no events, no watching sad movies – just the everyday ache of missing you seems to have a stronger punch on some days.

That said, I have been quite tired these days, which never helps.  E has had nightmares it seems the past couple of nights.  At least I think that’s what they are.  She wakes up crying and I go in there and ask her what’s going on, but she just cries a bit then lies back down to sleep without saying anything.  Nothing she hadn’t done in the past, but usually once in a while, not consecutive nights.  I guess I’m just also worried about her because she’s been saying for the past week or so that she feels sick.  “I feel sick every day” she has said a couple of times – but near as I can tell, she’s not.  No runny nose, no fever, no cough, no puke, and she even said there’s no pain.  She just feels sick.  She still has energy and plays and of course talks, but keeps mentioning feeling sick.  It’s odd.  She said the other day it was her head, and tonight she said it was her stomach.  I worry that maybe there is some underlying stress about loosing you that she’s not able to express.

Today, however, it did come out.  She found the watch you had bought her a while back and decided she wanted to wear it.  I re-set the date and time as they were off, and put it on her.  She looked at it and asked me to make it flash the numbers.  I explained that the watch did that when we first got it, but it was not supposed to and it had been fixed.  She then told me that ‘Daddy made it flash for me’.  I told her that I was sorry, but I didn’t know how to make it flash – this conversation went back and forth for a bit with both of us getting a little frustrated, then she decided that if I couldn’t make it flash then she would take it off.  As she took it off I answered a phone call, and she came out a moment later crying and saying ‘I never want to wear that watch ever again, EVER!’.  I told her that was fine and she didn’t have to – I gave her a hug as I finished the phone call, but she kept crying.  I figured then that it was about more than the watch.  It was a different kind of cry.  I asked her if it was because I couldn’t make the watch work like Daddy had and she said yes, and then I asked her if she missed Daddy and she said yes and then she really broke down.

As before, I was glad that she was able to get some of that out, but it was incredibly painful.  How do you console your 4 yr old daughter, crying and begging to see her Daddy again?  ‘I want to see Daddy again every day’ she repeated, among other things.  The fact is there is nothing I can say to take away the pain – I know that from experience, and it sucks.  I agree with her whole heartedly, and I told her so.  All I could do was to hold her, validate her feelings, let her know I understand and feel the same way, and continue to ensure she understands that it was not your decision to be gone.  I don’t want for a second for her to think you chose to go.  She asked me once, within the first few days after you died, if you had apologized to me when you were at the hospital.  She wanted to know if you were sorry that you left and made me feel sad.  Since then I’ve tried to make absolutely sure she knows that wasn’t the case.  I believe she understands that now, but it’s hard to tell.  We cried together for a bit – she was upset and felt like she couldn’t stop and I told her that was ok too.  C was showing concern and came over a couple of times doing the hurt sign to ask if E was hurt.  I explained that E was feeling sad – then she started doing things to try to make us laugh.  First she tried climbing on my head, which wasn’t all that funny (to me anyway, she thought it was great), but then she just basically stuck her face right in ours and laughed the same, big, true, hearty laugh that you had.  E started to giggle, and within moments all three of us were giggling.  A good way to end it, and E seemed to sigh a bit of relief, but it was extremely heartbreaking for both of us.  It didn’t help matters that I didn’t get much sleep the night before as I had had a breakdown of my own before going to bed.  As I said, sometimes it just hits harder.

As for the rest of the week so far, Monday Sian and Buz took the girls for the morning and I had just C in the afternoon, napping much of the time.  On Tuesday Ruby came over and played with the girls in the morning which was nice, and I finally met the neighbour in the green house next door for the first time.  She asked about you – she hadn’t heard.  She was terribly sad to hear it; we talked for quite some time.  Greg’s been coming by to mow the lawn, which has been great – he just walks up the street from his house with the mower going and does our yard.  My friend  Tamara helped do some cleaning before I left, and Sian and Buz’s Dad came and cleaned our gutters while we were in Cranbrook – funny timing since just the week before I had noticed some ‘gunk’ sticking out of them and thought to myself that there was just another thing that you usually took care of that I would need to do.  They must have read my mind.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, they’ve been amazing in more ways than I can say.

Tomorrow we’re heading to Ladner to spend a few days with your parents.  It should be nice to see them and I know how important it is to you for the girls to get to spend some time with them.  I’m going to try and get together with a few friends, hopefully a few of your other family members, and my Grandparents of course.  There are always so many people we want to see, but it’s hard to ‘fit’ everyone in with just a few days.  I’ll most likely be trying to ‘ease’ my way back to work in August, so we’ll see how that goes, though I’m strongly considering applying for a local business program here that could be exciting, but I’ll fill you in more on that in a couple of days.  For now, it’s off to sleep – hopefully more peaceful entry into it tonight.  I’ll also add some more photos now from the Cranbrook trip . . .

Good night,

~C~

P.S. I Love You

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