July 22, 2009

Three Months

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 12:01 am by letterstoelias

Hello My Love,

As I’m typing this, it has been 3 whole months, almost to the minute, since last we spoke. Since you told me that you weren’t in pain any more and you just wanted to ‘get out of here’ – that you wanted to go to bed. It was the last time I was able to look into those beautiful eyes and have them look back, though even then you were so tired they were not open by much. It was the last time our girls were able to see their amazing father alive – they drifted off to sleep, having no idea what they would wake up to the next morning. So much of the last three months seems like a blur. In some ways it has sped by and in others it feels like an eternity. As I put the girls to bed tonight I couldn’t find words to say to you as I was too choked up. In so many ways it still doesn’t seem real – I know I’ve said that so often before, but that’s just how it feels.

I hate this. I hate doing this without you. Don’t get me wrong – there are still many things to love about my life and we are making it work, but it sucks (to say the least) not having you be a part of it and I can’t apologize for feeling that way. The girls and I had a great afternoon today – in the backyard for hours, on the trampoline, on the swings, chasing the dog, tickling toes with lots of giggles. I also mowed the lawn and dragged the trampoline around trying to find a better spot for it. I knew you would be laughing at me and shaking your head as I was trying to level the ground out in a rather, unorthodox way. . . . . I was glad that I forced myself out there, because at first I didn’t feel like it after having a bit of a rough morning. But as great as it was, it still wasn’t with you. And that still hurts. E had a breakthrough on the swings – she finally got the hang of ‘pumping’ and was swinging under her own steam the entire time. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her more proud of herself. She exclaimed that she was swinging as high as Daddy used to push her – and she even said, ‘Daddy would be so proud of me!’ I assured her that she was absolutely right, and that you were proud, and you were watching her right then and there. I think of it now and I can hear your voice, as before with the bikes, cheering her on. I wish it wasn’t just in my head.

There is so much else to tell you, I don’t know where to begin. We had a great visit with your parents in Ladner. We got into town on Thursday afternoon (after missing the ferry we wanted – darn summer traffic! I can’t even remember the last time I missed a ferry on this end), and I had a shortened visit with the hospice counsellor we met with together before. She is so great, and let us keep the ‘peaceful piggies’ book for the girls. We didn’t have time for her to meet the girls unfortunately, but perhaps next time. We then had lunch with my Grandma, who had been playing with the girls at the park while I met with Gilly, and then dropped by to see my Aunt Viv. It was incredibly hot out though, so I could only stay a couple of minutes as I had Cali with us and couldn’t bring her into the apartment. We arrived at your parents’ home in the late afternoon. On Friday morning they were heading to Vancouver to pick up a greenhouse, so I met up with Sue and Traci and their kids at the water park in Ladner. They had a huge garbage bag and a half of clothes and shoes to hand down to the girls – mostly for C, but some for E too. It was so nice to visit with them and the kids all get along so great. The afternoon we spent in the beautiful yard with your parents, and the sprinkler, as it was extremely hot out. After dinner we had a great ichat with Peter, but Ally was resting – no baby yet.

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Saturday morning I met up with Joe, Kelly and Duncan at the Reifel Bird Sanctuary. It was great fun for the kids as there were quite a few baby ducks, but E and Duncan got a little nervous about the big sandhill cranes and some of the pushier Canada geese, but all in all they enjoyed it – and it was nice to spend time with Joe and Kelly. I headed back to your parents place for a few hours, then out again to go visit with Andrew, though only one of his 4 girls was there (5 if you count Heather =), but we had a really nice time catching up. Then it was back with your parents for dinner and over to Dave and Allison’s for a nice dessert picnic in their yard. By the end of the night I was so tired that when I went to put the girls to bed I passed out along with them. On Sunday we had planned to go to the Town and Country buffet, but it is closed for the summer so E and C helped your mom make pancakes. Then we went for a visit and lunch with my Nana and Grandpa, before heading back to spend the afternoon at the ‘backyard beach’. Your mom and Claude got right in the mix with the sprinkler, and E and Claude spent quite a bit of time ‘fishing’ for rather unusual objects. C, by the way, wanted nothing to do with the sprinkler, but managed to have a good time none the less.  They also got to visit with the neighbour’s baby bunnies.

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I thought about staying longer, but I had to get my insurance credits done by the end of the week and also get ready for the Aspire program orientation session on Wed (more about that in a minute). Your parents offered to take time off and help with the girls so I could get it done, but I had been away from home so much of the last two weeks with the trip to Cranbrook the week before, so I decided to head home that night – but it was a great visit and we’re all already looking forward to the next time we can get there, or they can get here. We shared photos, and stories, and, of course, tears. We ended the visit with dinner at Mings, but E didn’t touch her food. I couldn’t help but think that it was because that was the last meal we had with you the night before we left Ladner, and when she threw up the next morning you told her that it was because Chinese food makes little kids throw up. I have to admit, I was a little emotional eating there given the circumstances too – but Sue and Dale came and it was great to see them, though we missed out on seeing Bernadette and Elaina who where in town.

We ended up leaving about 3 minutes later than I had hoped to in order to catch the 8:40 ferry, and wouldn’t you know I missed the cut off by about a minute. I was the first car they stopped. Again, I can’t remember the last time we were pushing for a ferry and missed it – you would always be sitting beside me, repeatedly insisting we were going to miss it, and I would repeatedly assure you we would make it, and then gloat horribly when I was right. Maybe you were seeking revenge? I doubt it though, as I can’t imagine you would have wished for the girls and I to sit in Horseshoe Bay until 10:35pm for the next ferry. When the woman at the toll booth asked if we were heading home to see Daddy, and I told her no, and why, I thought for a minute she might try to get me on, but no such luck. Fortunately, I heard a friendly voice behind me in line, and there was Shelly, Eddy and the kids coming back from camping. They had the trailer with them, so we spent the 2 hr wait, and the ferry ride with them in the trailer so it wasn’t all that bad. A pretty late night for the girls though, as we didn’t get home until after 11:30. My mom finished the last bit of paint in our family room while we were gone – although you never really got a chance to see it when we came home that night. I really like the colours. I never minded the other colour, but I know you hated it so I’m glad that it’s all gone now, even if you aren’t here to see it. Buz and Sian helped out in the yard again, cleaning up the compost area and all the scraps of wood with nails hanging around – I think the piece that ended up stuck in my croc probably set that idea off. Thankfully the nails stopped short of my heel. I told Sian the other day that I wanted to know where she came from because I didn’t know they made people like her – she’s amazing. They both are.  I have NO idea how to thank them.

I guess the other news from the week was my discussion with the bank. I ended up paying off what was left of the mortgage with the line of credit, since the interest rate was lower and I would only be required to pay the interest each month but could easily pay more when I have more to pay. As such, I heard the words ‘Now that you own your house . . . ‘. How strange is that. I own the house. I’m 32yrs old and I OWN a house. Something that should make me happy – but it just feels awful. People say, ‘But that’s great, right?’ Sure. I suppose. But just as with the life insurance, I would gladly give it back in a heartbeat just to hear yours again. After Terri told me I owned the house, she added that I should go to a notary or lawyer and have it changed to my name only. Then I would need to change the line of credit into my name only. Erasing you from everything. I understand why it ‘should’ be done, but I don’t want to. Though, I guess it’s better than seeing ‘DECEASED’ on the account beside your name. I just don’t like the idea of taking your name off of what we built together. I know it doesn’t take away from the fact that we did it together, but I still don’t like it. Anyhow, in the end I’ll still have a pretty large line of credit, but I think it will be manageable.

I guess that brings me to the last bit of news for now, as I’m getting terribly long as it is. I’m going to apply for the Aspire program and am hoping to open my own business next year. You may remember I had talked with you before, even before you were gone, about opening a store similar to Bridie’s? Well, that’s the hope. I haven’t been accepted into the program yet so it isn’t a sure thing, though I can still do it without the program, it would just be a bit tougher. In the Aspire program I can collect EI and work up to 20hrs/week while getting full training to open a business. I’ve already talked with Jason about cutting my hours down and he understands completely and thinks it’s a great idea – he has been amazingly supportive, as has all the DCIS family. I just really need to do something that I feel passionate about. Not to mention that right now the thought of dealing with health related insurance scares me a bit. I am going to start easing back in next month, but Jason again has been great at allowing me the space to start with just emails work my way up to full service.

Three months. Not long now until the time of night I had to call 911. It’s not that I want to replay it all minute by minute, but it’s hard not to at this point. I’m sure sometime in the future I won’t, and perhaps eventually I won’t even remember exactly how it all happened (though I could always come back here to check), but for now it’s still a bit of a living nightmare, and not just on the ‘month anniversaries’ either. I so often catch my mind flashing back to that day/night. Perhaps looking for something I can change and end up with a miraculous new outcome where you are here with me again? Who knows. I guess it’s just the trauma of it all.

Wow – this is a long one. I suppose I’d better wrap up. I just always want to tell you everything I can, and I still end up missing so much. I think I spend half the day composing letters to you in my head, thinking of things to tell you about. As much I hate that it has to be told to you this way – that I can’t speak to you in person – at least I feel in some small way my message gets through to you somehow. And, if nothing else it helps me to get it out. I’m also thankful for the people who read the letters along with you – sending their support in the comments, or just letting me know they care by checking the site. Three months you’ve been gone, and I love you more than ever.

~C~

P.S. I Love You

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