July 27, 2009

Do you know what today is?

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 11:56 pm by letterstoelias

I know you do.  We didn’t really ‘celebrate’ it much in the past 9yrs as it was in a way replaced by our wedding anniversary, but we always still acknowledged the day – usually by me asking you if you knew what day it was, and you smiling and saying ‘of course’ or something like that – and by perhaps holding each other a little tighter, a few extra kisses, knowing smiles.  No fancy dinners, no flowers, no gifts – just love.

It was 13yrs ago tonight that we shared our first kiss.  Three years later on this same night you asked me to be your wife.  I must admit, the date snuck up on me a bit as it wasn’t ever something we made a big ‘todo’ about – but when I was on my way to your parents place a bit back I was driving by English Bay and saw a sign stating ‘Media Parking Only’ with a set of dates.  It took me just a second to realize it was for the Symphony of Fire.  It was this event 13 years ago that started our dating relationship.  Of course we had met almost 8 months earlier – I was drawn to you from the second I laid eyes on you – and we had flirted incessantly most of that time (except for the extremely brief period you found yourself dating someone else somehow . . . ), but it finally came to a point where we both knew that we were meant to be together.

I remember bits and pieces of that week – throughout the 8 months since we had first met, we usually ended up at the same place with a group of friends with others having made the arrangements, but I recall having a day off and planned to make some calls the night before to get some people together to go to the beach.  I decided to call you first and see if you were up for it, and we ended up talking on the phone for about 4hrs.  It was our first real phone conversation, and we had never had much of a chance to talk one on one before as we were always out socially with a group of people.  By the time we were off the phone it was too late to call anyone else, and though the next morning I tried to round a few other people up, I was secretly hoping maybe no one else would be able to come at last minutes notice, but at the same time I was not exactly sure what to expect if it was just us two.  No one else could come, and we had a great time – lots of flirting, but nothing else.  Not long after that day we went out (though I can’t recall where right now) with Anthony and met up with some other friends.  I think I had parked my car in Richmond and you were driving me back to it.  I remember Anthony in the back of the car as we talked and said good night to each other – he tried to wait so patiently and I think he even hopped out of the car to give you a chance to ‘make your move’ (very subtle Anthony), but it was nothing other than a long goodbye.  I’m sure he could correct me of the details I missed, but it was something like that.

What I remember quite clearly was the night of the fireworks.  I had wanted to go but couldn’t find anyone to go with, and you said that you would go with me.  Again, Anthony was with us, but this time I had driven and was dropping you both off at your parents’ home.  The car was barely in park before Anthony said good night and jumped out of the car and into the house, leaving just the two of us.  We talked for a long time, mostly about how right it felt for us to be together.  I was a little concerned as we were still in the same social group as the last girl you briefly dated somehow, and it had only been a couple of weeks since you had broken things off with her.  But, at the end of the day, we knew that ‘we’ were right and there was no point in putting it off any longer, so you kissed me.  And it was so right.  A few nights later was our first time out with our social group as a couple, and though there was one person not too happy about it, most everyone else was by no means surprised and happy to see that we had finally gotten together.  I had no idea how many of our friends thought that we belonged together as well.

Fast forward three years.  We were getting ready to go out for our 3rd anniversary dinner.  I don’t believe I ever told you, I had a sneaking suspicion of what you were up to – but I didn’t want to let myself get carried away just in case I was wrong . . . . We went to dinner at La Folie and you had arranged for the most amazing 7 course meal, custom made to my tastes.  You made sure to let Frederic know all the foods I liked and disliked.  We had already had dessert, but you kept asking me if I wanted some chocolate, with that cheeky grin on your face.  I was absolutely stuffed full and told you I had already eaten some, but you kept telling me I should have some more.  I needed more.  A moment later Patrick walked out with a silver tray, covered in flowers, with a box on it, made of chocolate.  Patrick said a few words – something about how at a time like this there aren’t words to express . . . the beauty of . . . something, something, something (for no words, he had quite a few).  I opened the chocolate box to find a ring box inside – buried under a few other pieces of chocolate of course – and I remember that you told me to open it and I said no – but only because I wanted you to open it for me.  Once I finally opened it, you came over and got down on your knee, took the ring and put it on my finger.  I don’t remember much of what was said by you either, unfortunately, but I know some where in there you asked me to marry you and that you wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.  I cried tears of joy.

As I look at the ring now, through very different tears, it doesn’t feel only 10yrs old.  It feels like it’s been there forever.  I don’t remember what my hand feels like without it.  I don’t want to know.  My finger has molded to fit it over the years and it is a part of me, just as you were, and still are.  I know it’s only been three months (and 5 days) that you’ve been gone, but it’s hard to imagine a time when I would ever feel ready to take it off.  I know it can’t bring you back and I know taking it off wouldn’t mean loving you any less and I’m by no means worrying about rushing it – I don’t know where exactly I’m going with this, I guess it’s just on my mind given the day.  What a special day.

I know I told you before many times, but I’ll happily tell you again – if I had a crystal ball back then and could look at myself 13yrs later crying at my computer screen, feeling completely broken inside, alone – but could also see our lives in between, I would still kiss you.  Again and again.  And three years later – you could remind me once more what was destined to happen, and I would still happily take that ring and accept your proposal to spend the rest of our lives together, even knowing your life would end far too soon.

I wish I could have that crystal ball right now.  To see where I end up 10yrs from now.  If I managed to keep holding it together – the girls, the house, the debt, my heart, my head . . .

Agh.  I had wanted to say all these beautiful, eloqutent words to you – but I’ve had a headache most of the day and am so tired I feel like I’m just rambling and nothing is coming out how I want it to.  I can’t seem to think clearly enough to adequately express how I feel.  Though I keep hoping something great will come to me, I’d better be going before I fall asleep on the keyboard – because then the letter really won’t make sense.

An incredibly special day, and my hearts aches without you here

~ C~

P.S.  I Love You

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5 Comments »

  1. Bridie said,

    Beautiful memories, Chels.

  2. Bernadette said,

    Hi Chelsea,

    I just want you to know, that I so appreciate reading your letters. Your experience of grieving your loved one, really helps me to see and feel what it could be like if it were to touch me. I couldn’t imagine it otherwise…but I really feel your loss…and I wish there was something I could do to help you through it. What I am learning the most from you is that our spirits carry on…no matter what! And it is up to us to move on in life…just as life keeps moving in itself. There is no stopping it. The river keeps flowing, the sun always comes up, the seasons always change, and so must we move on.

    Stay strong, take good care of yourself, and give the girls a BIG HUG for me.

    Love Bernadette

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thanks so much Bernadette.
      When we started our first blog, one of the things we came to hope to achieve was, by allowing people in to what we were experiencing, offering a new or different perspective on life. To appreciate how valuable life is, before mortality is staring you in the face. How we need to live life for the moment – that was incredibly important to both Elias and I together.
      Now, on my own, it has become much harder but I still see the great importance in this and try to continue living as such, as Elias would want. I also still hope that people can get something out of my writings here. I know it’s harder to read as the words are filled with much more sadness – as opposed to the more hopeful posts of the past – but underneath it all hope is still there. Somewhere.
      And you are right – the world keeps going. As hard as it is at times. PLENTY of nights I didn’t think I could make it another day, but somehow I’m still here. The spirit is stronger than we know. I said once in a post before Elias passed away that we don’t know how strong we are until we need to be strong. I question now if it really is ‘strength’ per se, but something is keeping me going . . . .
      I appreciate you continuing to read and your comments,
      ~C ~

  3. […] I wrote about it in detail last year so I won’t bother to do so again, but this day means as much to me now as it did so many years ago.  I managed through most of the day ok – a little grumpier than usual perhaps.  A bit of a headache as the day drew on.  Tired.  But as I sat down to write, and looked at my words from this day a year ago, the tears had to come. […]

  4. […]  It shines with the love we shared from that first kiss 15yrs ago this very night.  Fireworks (this post from 2yrs ago will explain that . . . […]


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