July 31, 2009

Can’t beat the heat

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 1:33 am by letterstoelias

Hello My Love,

It has been freakishly hot the past week or so. I can’t remember the last time it was this hot for this long around here. One of C’s new words this week is ‘hot’. She enjoys saying that one. We’ve been lying pretty low as a result – sticking close to home, and I set up the little pool in the backyard, which the girls have been enjoying (pool is another of C’s new words – they’re coming much more frequently now). We are all looking a bit tanned, but have been lucky to get away with no burns thus far. I’m sure you would be sporting a pretty great farmer’s tan right about now . . . . We tried to go to the playground on Tuesday, but didn’t last long. The kids mainly just wanted to sit in the shade and eat the snacks we brought. I’m glad that our yard has some shade at most times of the day – there is time a where there is hardly any, but that’s pretty short lived. Around that time the other day I had the girls inside and E was just lying on her foam blocks on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and she stated that she ‘just needed to have a little rest for a few hours’. The heat zaps the energy, even from a 4yr old. C’s head seems to permanently sweat, and she has had a hard time napping – and night time sleep hasn’t been that much better – though I did put a small fan in their room which is helping some, I think. I was too chicken to open the windows past the built-in safety locks at night. I find I hear far too many noises at night now, though the dog is a decent comfort, it still worries me some.

The girls were pretty tired tonight – I managed to leave the room the earliest I think I ever have – 7:45. E was still awake when I left, but feel asleep pretty peacefully on her own, and C had just been exhausted from not having a real nap and from the heat. Hopefully they’ll stay asleep tonight. E has had a few nightmares recently, and she still complains, almost once a day at least, that she feels ‘sick’. There seems to be nothing physically wrong with her at all that I can see, and I’m sure it’s more to do with stress/sadness. The councillor had also felt that was the more likely culprit. I’ve tried bringing it up with her, but she insists that’s not it, but how is a 4yr old supposed to figure out how they are feeling on those levels. It just shouldn’t need to be done at that age. Or any age for that matter. We usually feel the need to protect our kids, yet there are many circumstances where I would be ok with giving up a little protection. Allowing for the scraped knee, bruised elbow, bruised ego – it’s bound to happen no matter what you do and they are going to learn from it. But this is no scraped knee. I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that I can’t protect the girls from this kind of hurt. Just as my parents can’t protect me and your Mom and Claude couldn’t protect you.  It’s awful.  At least I have some understanding of the hurt, but the girls don’t. Well, that’s not entirely true I suppose, but I think you get my point. E expressed that she doesn’t want to feel sad. Who can blame her? I just worry that keeping it inside is no good either. That’s one of the reasons I write here. I need to express at least some of the emotions that I feel.

I do believe that, overall, they are doing fine though.  That said, as much as E plays happily and is seemingly ‘herself’ day to day, you can see that it actually doesn’t leave her mind at all. It may not be in the same way as it is for me, but there is a worry all the time in her. After you died, she noticed that I was not doing the driving for a while and, with notable concern, she asked me if I ‘can’t’ drive any more, obviously relating to the fact that you couldn’t drive for most of the last 1 1/2yrs. Anytime anyone would take a Tylenol she would ask what they were taking and why. More recently, as I’ve been going to information sessions and such for the Aspire program, she tries very casually to ask me what my ‘appointments’ are for, again relating to your many ‘appointments’ I’m sure. We went to the beach the other day and found a dead crab.  She looked down at it in her hand and decided it must have been a ‘Daddy crab’.  Just the other morning at breakfast, we had the music on and were all sitting at the table eating. I had my left foot across my right knee and was tapping along to the music. I also had my hand on the foot that was moving, and she could only see my upper body. With a fair amount of fear in her face she asked me, ‘Why are you shaking Mama?’ I explained why and she looked incredibly relieved. I asked if she was worried that I was shaking because of the same thing that Daddy had, and she said yes. I told her that I didn’t have the same thing as you and I am fine. But at the same time, I can’t make any promises that nothing will ever happen to me. I hope like hell nothing does, that is one of my biggest fears right now – but I can’t make that promise. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this is that the only real certainty, is that we don’t have any certainty as to when our last day will be. All I can do is let her know that right now I’m just fine, but find ways to assure her that there are plenty of people who care for her and will be there for her throughout her life. The other day she told me that if I died, then Daddy would take care of her and C – then just as she finished saying it I could see her realization that that would not be how it would work and she corrected herself.  I HATE that she has to worry about such things.

And those who underestimated C’s response may be surprised as well – you included. She absolutely loves her locket and often asks me to open it so she can show people, or just so she can look at it and give it a kiss and say ‘Dada. Me.’ It clearly means a lot to her to have at least a bit of you with her all the time. I hope that gives you some sense of peace. She loves to ‘talk’ to you each night, and now sometimes I can even make out a word or two (today the first thing she said was ‘pool’), though I often coach her along a little too. It seems to calm her – even if she’s upset, I tell her it’s time to talk to Daddy and she settles down to share her day with you.  She still thinks every letter in the alphabet is a ‘B’ though, and pretty much every bird she sees is a duck. Except owls. She gets those just fine.

Unless something has changed in the last few hours, there is no new M family member just yet. Ally is almost a week overdue, so it should be any day now. She is ‘quite’ ready from what I hear. I spoke with Peter the other night, and they’re doing pretty well though. He of course tried to convince me that they had the baby two days earlier and hadn’t had the chance to let us know . . . no foolin’ me. Bridie and John got a new puppy last week and they are pretty excited about that. He’s really cute – Laddie (or Laddy?), and apparently all is going well so far. I can’t believe I’m actually going to try starting back to work next week. I’m sure it’s all in my head, but I’m pretty nervous. Just a couple of hours the first week, then I’ll work a bit more the next and so on. I have a hard time keeping up with everything around here without having work in the mix, so I’m not sure how it will all work out – but maybe it will motivate me to do a bit more around here. I don’t seem to have motivation to do much these days, and its showing. I’ve been eating a bit of junk food after the girls go to bed too, which I should try to cut down on. I just need to go for healthier snacks – though I don’t think I can quit my new found addiction to iced cappuccinos. I haven’t had ice cream for a while, but the iced capps are daily now.

I had been feeling like I hadn’t been ‘seeing’ you as much lately. For the first few weeks after you passed, I felt like there were little signs here and there that spoke to me as coming from you. I’d see something unique that caught my eye or was unusual. I said then that even if that was something that I was putting in my own head, if it gave me a moment of peace, no matter how incredibly fleeting, I would take it and be happy with it. Recently I hadn’t been noticing those events at all. I was troubled by it the other day and my thoughts kept going back to that, though I was trying to tell myself that it was all in my head. Since that day mind you, for about the past 4 days straight now I think, I’ve spotted what seems to be a unique butterfly at numerous times throughout the day, and not just at home. Now again, this could just be a common species to the area and it’s not likely it’s the same butterfly – and it could be that I was subconsciously ‘looking’ for something – but I don’t recall seeing this type around our yard before. I saw one just like it at Buz and Sian’s the other night too (and I had mentioned it to Sian at our house the day before so she saw it twice with me). It’s white with black spots around the edge of its wings. I just read this, and found this as well: ‘when a white butterfly crosses your path or enters your home, it will bring good luck and is a sign that you will have a good life. White butterflies also symbolize past spirits/souls. I’ve come to believe they are signs of good luck or angels watching over you.’ With all that mind you, there are other opinions to the contrary and it could just be a couple of summer butterflies. Who knows. But maybe, I’ll have to consider a butterfly design as my memorial tattoo instead of a hummingbird??? Not likely – I still like the hummingbird meaning more and I had enough strange run-ins with hummingbirds since you died as well. I think it will be a while before I get it done anyhow, but we’ll see.

Even with more time tonight, it still seems to have gotten late. And, as the girls have been stirring some already so I should probably call it a night myself and get some sleep before they wake up. I’ve generally slept better since moving out of their bed, but nights like these where I have to get out of bed to tend to them has made me thankful we had them sleeping with us for most of their lives to this point. It’s a short walk, but when you have to make it a few times a night, it sucks. Especially when you know you’re the only one to take care of it – there’s no one to roll over and smack to get them to look after it for once (though you always managed to sleep through it all most of the time anyhow . . . ). Uhoh, there’s C almost on cue. I miss you terribly.

I guess I’ll just write more another day, and I’ll post the pictures I had planned for today, tomorrow.

~C~

P.S. I Love You

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