August 18, 2009

Cleaning house . . . . well, shed

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 12:18 am by letterstoelias

Hello My Love,

I had quite a productive day today – the girls were at Buz and Sian’s for the day, so I started the day off by doing a few hours of work. I don’t have my license renewed as of yet, there was a mix-up at the office so I can’t talk to any clients yet, but I have a few projects to work on and it’s at least still giving me a few hours each week to work. In the afternoon, my Mom came by to help clean out the sheds in the back. We discovered some rat poop in the back shed recently, so the need to clean that out became an opportunity for me to see what exactly was in there and pick out items for a joint garage sale with my parents. I’m not planning on selling any of your things – I can’t bring myself to that at this point – but there are a number of items that I’m sure you, too, would have been happy to see go, so it feels good to clear things out a bit.

I have to give BIG kudos to my Mom for even going in the sheds with me – you know her extreme fear of rats, yet there she was, sweeping up the poop! I’m grateful that I had her help; I don’t think I could have accomplished something like that on my own. There were also a few moments where coming across some of your things, I thought I may breakdown, but I managed to keep it together. I couldn’t even bring myself to get rid of your worn out, bashed up sandals I found, with rat poop on them. I just brushed them off and put them right back in the shed. To me, they still belong there with the rest of your things. There were a few things though, that made me laugh. And I guess we did get rid of a few things that may have been yours . . . there was an odd collection of bouncy balls. I never knew you to have a collection of bouncy balls though. That said, you were pretty secretive about your ‘lucky marbles’ for some time. A few things that we found, I had to smile and tell my mom that I married you, but I didn’t always understand you. What on earth were the buckets of sand and water for??? Some of the sand had actually hardened into these odd, rock like formations.

Anyhow, we accomplished a great deal and after the garage sale I don’t know what I’ll do with all the space. I’m trying to keep up with the garden. The front actually doesn’t look too bad as I spent a fair amount of time weeding it recently, but the back is looking quite overgrown. The grape vines are going a bit crazy and I don’t really have anywhere to trail them. The climbing hydrangea is going strong, as is the wisteria, but it sounds like they will both have to be moved after the summer. As I said to Claude the other day – you loved planting things, didn’t always know the best place to plant them, but you loved to plant things (still WAY better than I ever was at gardening though). The hydrangea that is between the sheds is growing like mad, and we actually have a number of pears on the big pear tree almost ready to be picked. A few apples, quite a lot of quince – though I have NO idea what to do with them, and this is the best year I can remember for the strawberries. It seems like there has just been a huge growth spurt in every thing the past few days.

As you could probably tell from my last letter, I had a rough couple of days last week so my Mom took E to a big craft fair in Sechelt on Saturday and I had a nice day at home with C. In the late afternoon my Dad took the girls up to the park for a bit. I tagged along too and helped E ride her bike there. On Sunday we had Anna and her boys over for a visit which was nice, and she offered to lend a hand when needed in the fall when the schedule starts to get crazy. Missing you has just seemed heavier than normal the past few days. I can’t even put it into words. The other night I went to bed and just cried – thinking this has to have been just some really sick joke or crazy nightmare that has to be over soon. I am SO ready for it to be over with. I’m spent. I hate this. I have to see you again. I need to see you again. And then I flash back to your viewing – knowing that that was the last time I’ll have seen you. Your funeral, watching the hearse drive away. Reality providing me with a swift kick in the a$$ (and stomach, and head, and heart).

I guess it’s all just daunting as well – since you died I hadn’t worked, I only took the girls to a couple of their classes, and then it was summer. Now, everything is starting up again, adding preschool, and I’m back to work, and it’s all without you. But as I said before, I have no choice – life goes on (somehow) without you. I have made it almost 4 months now. It’s shocking to me to think that. I know 4 months doesn’t sound like a long time, but for me to have made it that far seems huge. And I know I’ll keep making it, even though it’s not getting any easier. I’m fortunate for the help, both practical and emotional, that has come my way, from friends and strangers alike. I keep forgetting to mention, in writing her last column for the local paper, Shannon Bond mentioned us as people who stood out to her in her time writing for the Local. How you fought cancer with courage and how I’ve carried on without you with love and tenacity. I really appreciate the use of ‘tenacity’. I feel like it fits me better than strong. Plenty of people have referred to me as strong – I know there are times I’ve been strong, but there are certainly times I don’t feel it. Although, I think there can be strength even in those moments, it’s just harder to see. Anyhow, it was an honour to see us mentioned given the range of articles she wrote and number of people she would have interviewed during her time on the Coast. I was very touched, and it will be put it the memory box for the girls for when they are older.

As for the rest of this week, I’ll put in a few more hours work, we have a couple of ‘play dates’ set up, and we’ll hopefully catch up with Auntie and Mira in Horseshoe Bay as they are heading to Bowen for the CNIB camp. We’ll just footsie over and spend a couple of hours with them and then head back. I’ll write again soon so I can update you more on the girls as I haven’t written about them much this time around . . . but they are as amazing little girls as ever. Each of them beautiful little pieces of you.


P.S. I Love You


1 Comment »

  1. Roads said,

    4 months — yes, it might seem short, and yet it’s really not. It feels like for ever, sometimes. Still, the days are passing, and you’re beating them behind you. That’s progress.

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