August 20, 2009

Just when you think the heart can’t possibly break any more . . . . .

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 12:27 am by letterstoelias

. . . C asked for you to come home tonight. Your baby. Not even 2yrs old, yet she found the words to ask for her Daddy to come home. And people think she’s too young to feel it.

I was putting the girls to bed. We were doing our usual routine of pajammies on, teeth brushed, books read, lights out, talk to Daddy, kisses and good night. I was lying between the girls, and I helped C through her telling you about her day, then E had her turn, and as we were sharing a happy Daddy memory (about you making pizza dough and throwing it in the air), C lifted her head off my shoulder, sat up and started saying ‘Uh, Dada. Uh, Dada.’ I don’t know how to ‘spell’ it, but it sounds sort of like ‘uh’, and she usually says it when she wants something – it seems to mean ‘want’ or ‘please’.  As I clued in on that and looked over at her she said, ‘Uh, Dada home.’ I said, ‘Pardon me?’ and she repeated it, clear as day. ‘Uh Dada Home.’ I asked her, ‘You want Daddy to come home?’  She nodded her head and said, ‘Hup’, which is how she says ‘yup’ or yes.  I told her that I did too, my eyes instantly welling up. She laid her head on my chest briefly, before lifting her head to repeat it one more time. She had no tears. She was not crying. But you could feel the sincerity and seriousness in her little words, coming right from her big heart.

I couldn’t help the tears. I tried to stay quiet but E caught on and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was crying a bit because I felt sad. C, so sweetly, rubbed her cheek to mine, as if to try and dry my tears, and E kissed my hand and snuggled in close. Amazing girls.

What a double edged sword. Of course I’m glad she is able to communicate her feelings, and in a way I’m glad to be able to know that she misses you – but to hear your baby ask for her Daddy to come home . . . . and I was recently worrying she was losing you. Thinking back now, shortly before this took place, I was giving E ‘Daddy kisses’ from her locket. Just before bed, she had fallen off the couch and her hip took a pretty big hit on the baseboard heater. When she was taking her turn talking to you in bed, she told you about the incident. I told her that you were sending her kisses too, and that she could put her locket up to her cheek and get them that way. I had done the same with C earlier. As I was explaining this to E, C asked me to help her open her locket, and it was not long after that she came out with her statement. Every night since you died, I always give them each two kisses before bed, one from me and one from you, and they each have their ‘kissing hand’ (a kiss from you on the palm of their hand that they can put to their cheek any time they like) but I guess something hit a chord with her tonight. More likely though, she’s just finally figuring out how to express herself.

The day had been a nice one though – Tom, Rainbow and Twain came over for a visit and after lunch and some play in the back yard we went up to the park and Buz and the boys were there. We also had a visit from the one of the neighbour’s bunnies in our yard today – I couldn’t help but think of you running around in the rain, in your jumbos, slipping and falling on the grass, trying to catch the one that took up residence in our front yard for a brief period last year.  The girls have had no shortage of social time as yesterday (Tuesday) we spent the day with Abby and her girls. It’s always a really nice time there as all the girls get along so well, and we came home with blueberries, carrots, tomatoes and cucumber fresh from their garden. I fell asleep putting the girls to bed that night, and while I woke up around 11pm and started writing you a letter, my laptop was acting up a bit and I didn’t feel like sitting at the desk to use the mac. I had been dealing with a slight headache much of the day as I woke up that morning with a stiff neck. What I had started to write about however, I’ll finish now.

I think I woke up with a stiff neck, because of the night I had on Monday. I held you that night. It was only in my dream, but I held you. I saw you, heard you, felt you. It was the first time since the night after you died that you came to me in a dream. So many times I have gone to bed hoping to see you. A friend who lost her father years ago told me she did the same thing after her father passed, but when it happened, when she saw him, it was not in a good way. She heard that only when you are truly ready for it to happen, will it happen in a positive way. I appreciated those sentiments and tried to be patient and wait. I didn’t want to finally see you in a dream and have it bad, but it’s hard to wait when all I want is to see you again, even if only in my dreams. Dreams are all I have now. It wasn’t all bad, but it wasn’t all good either. I don’t’ know if I should bother trying to explain it all as whenever I told you about my dreams you thought I was crazy. And it’s not an easy dream to explain . . . . so I’ll paraphrase.

It started out ok – you were helping a neighbour in their yard. It was our old cul-de-sac in North Delta, but the name of the neighbour was someone from the Coast. Anyhow, I was telling you, and someone I was standing with but I can’t recall who, that you should relax and take it easy. For some reason a man showed up with a wild animal of some sort, like a boar or wart hog (don’t ask), and he was chasing it. It ran towards you and I yelled. I screamed. I ran to you. It didn’t seem to hit you, but you were falling. I held you. I was trying to protect you. You were in my arms on the ground, almost in the foetal position.  I told the man he had to leave.  He had to leave you alone because you were sick. The next thing I can remember we were home. You were lying on the couch under a blanket and I was trying to get a weed eater or something working, and now you were telling me not to bother, to relax and take it easy. You looked tired, and of course irritated that I wouldn’t listen to you, but I smiled at you. I laughed. Then you were gone. I was woken up by the damn ticking fridge. My heart was racing. I wanted so badly to be back asleep again. To see you again. I could kill that fridge. That was the first night in as long as I can remember that C didn’t wake up once – I could have slept through the night and spent more time with you. Who knows what may have come, mind you. The dream has been haunting me ever since. I’ve been trying to recall every detail.  Trying to analyze what it all means.  There are aspects about seeing you that are painful, but there was comfort in it as well.  I was sitting on the porch with Abby explaining the dream to her yesterday, and as I finished, my white butterfly flew past me.

After I woke up in the girls bedroom at 11pm last night, I couldn’t fall back asleep until almost 4am.  I had watched a bit of tv first, then spent time on the internet – but after it was all turned off, I just couldn’t turn my brain off.  The prospect of seeing you in my dreams again is great, but frightening at the same time.  And of course, within about an hour after I finally fell asleep, C was awake. I did the smart thing though, and brought her straight into bed with me. I knew that would help her sleep a little longer in the morning, and sure enough she didn’t wake back up again until almost 8am so I managed to get a little extra sleep, but no dreams of you this time.

My eyes are feeling pretty heavy right now, so I should try to get a little more tonight. I don’t have much on the go for tomorrow, except that I’ll be working a few hours in the afternoon. It looks like my license was processed a little quicker than expected, so I may have to start doing some ‘heavier; work now. Not sure how all that will go. Before I call it a night, I was rushing to finish my last letter because C was waking up, and I forgot to mention that we had an ichat with Anthony, Nina and Kayla on Sunday, to wish Anthony a happy birthday. He showed me a couple of photos from a ‘red neck’ party they had gone to the night before. The second I saw his costume, I could almost hear your laughter. He looked like he just walked off the set of Trailer Park Boys. It was hilarious. Disgusting, but hilarious. I knew you would have appreciated it. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and re-read the letter from the night before, I wonder what I was thinking – sometimes can’t even remember what I wrote about, and usually forget things I planned on mentioning. I often feel like it’s somewhat incoherent, I could have written with more clarity, but I think my message gets across. I hope it does. I guess that’s what I get for writing when I should be asleep . . . . I’m sure I’ll think the same of this one when I read it tomorrow, but I mainly try to write what is on my heart at that moment.  You are always on my heart. My heart goes on the page.

We all love you, we all miss you.


P.S. I Love You



  1. Bridie said,

    We miss him, too.
    We love all of you.
    See you soon.

  2. Marilyn Nash said,

    Hey Chelsea,
    I have never stopped reading your blogs and I am amazed at your candour and honesty coming through on every post. You may not see it now, but you are a true warrior woman. Just wondering if the girls dream of their Daddy. Thinking of you often and sending warm wishes and prayers,

  3. Roads said,

    I dreamed of Jenny in the very early days, and then suddenly she wasn’t there any more. For years and years. I feared I wouldn’t see her in my dreams again. And then, suddenly in the summer of last year, I dreamt she had come back to tell me that she was OK.

    It was a relief to know that, although like you I was desolate that I had woken up. There was just so much that I wanted to ask her.

  4. letterstoelias said,

    Thank you all for the comments,

    Marylin, it’s so nice to hear from you and to know that you are reading along. It’s funny we don’t cross paths more often – but I appreciate your words and thoughts. I’m not sure of Caia’s dreams just yet, but Eibhlin has shared a couple of dreams of her Daddy. The first I remember so well as it was not long after he died and she said that she had been having a bad dream about falling off an ice mountain, but then Daddy came and caught her and took her to safety. She was so happy about that, and I loved the thought that he was protecting her in her dreams.

    Roads, It’s so nice to hear that Jenny came to you and told you she was ok. What an amazing comfort that must be. It’s hard not to hold out that hope to see Elias in a dream, but I try to be patient and let it come when it will.

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