September 12, 2009

Silent Night

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 1:18 am by letterstoelias

Hello My Love,

I finally had a peaceful night last night. I was able to get the fridge fixed (and the income from the garage sale covered about 2/3rds of the cost to fix it). No more ticking. It’s funny though, after it was fixed I spent much of the day still waiting for the ticking to come on. I still sometimes do. It had become so bad that at times it would go for over 4hrs straight – absolutely crazy making – but at the same time I had become accustomed to it being a part of the day. And night. C also slept through the night last night, and even slept in past her usual 6am internal alarm. Coincidence? Perhaps – though I’m not holding out too much yet on C’s sleeping through the night becoming a regular occurrence just yet. . . .

I have an interesting day planned tomorrow. I’m going in for a consultation for a tattoo in memory of you. I was actually feeling really good last night as I stumbled across a design that I love, and I’ve been working on ‘fine tuning’ it. It will have a great deal of meaning & symbolism to it and I hope I get a good feeling from the artist I’m meeting with. You and I had discussed getting tattoos together again not long ago, so I guess I’m doing it to honour you in a few ways. Karen is helping look after the girls while I go, and Sian and Jana are meeting up with me at the tattoo parlour for some extra advice, which is great.  I’m a little worried about the cost – it’s not like I have extra cash to burn these days, but it’s something that has a lot of meaning and importance to me.  Hopefully it won’t be too expensive.

There is something else that is going on tomorrow. The other day I received a call from the mother of one of your old students, Joel. He has been accepted into military college and they are having a congratulations/going away party for him. She knew how much you meant to her son – you spoke with him on the phone regularly, and even just days before you died (when you encouraged him to follow his dream of applying to the military) – and she felt that since you couldn’t be there perhaps I could come in your place. It was an incredibly sweet gesture to invite me, and while I’m still not in party mode, I think I’ll stop by just for a brief visit, as I also know he meant a lot to you. Joel was so saddened to hear of your death, and he unfortunately didn’t find out until after the memorial so he missed it. He called me after he found out though, to pass along his condolences.

As for the past few days, I had the Straw’s over for dinner on Monday and made asparagus risotto with ricotta and mint, along with a salad with maple toasted walnuts, apple and goat cheese (thanks to Bridie for the inspiration on the salad).

September 09 020

It all came out pretty darn good, though I’m sure you would have found the risotto to be a ‘tiny’ bit over cooked and with not enough mint. I was pretty pleased with myself none the less. Work hasn’t been too busy, but of the very few phone calls I’ve had to make, I already had to speak to someone about their insurance and an issue of tumours came up. It sent chills down my spine. The gentleman almost laughed as he explained that it was nothing and that they knew it wasn’t something that was going to recur. I couldn’t say anything and just wanted off the phone. Somehow I managed to move the conversation on and end it shortly thereafter, but my hands were practically shaking and I only hope I gave him the right info.

On Wednesday I took E down to the preschool to see the space and meet her teacher. She jumped right into the dress up clothes and seemed pretty comfortable, so I think all will be fine, but the big day is this coming Tuesday. It’s only for an hour the first day, and I was able to arrange to get the time off so I can go along, which is great. I know you’ll be right along there with us, but I so wish it was in person. C had her music class today and she’s really starting to participate along with the class more, rather than just wandering around and doing her own thing. Though towards the end she was getting tired and pretty much just buried her head in my lap and refused to do anything else. She very proudly states ‘Two!’ when you ask her how old she’s going to be now. She really has such an amazing personality and is incredibly funny (and somewhat crazy). E loves to be in charge of anything – I was thinking yesterday morning about how in your last few weeks with us you would get frustrated, believing that E was treating you differently because she could see the changes in you. You felt she was telling you what to do because she figured you didn’t know how to do anything anymore. I tried to reassure you that it was just her personality, and I can tell you with certainty, it’s just her personality. She loves to tell people what to do and how to do it, no matter who they are. Just as Claude says, ‘She’s my manager’. She is also really starting to use her negotiating skills in a positive way though. She’s learning to be much more patient with C, and works on talking things out. They are starting to get along much better in some ways, worse in others, but they play together more which is so nice to see.

We have a new neighbour who comes by to visit every once in a while, and I finally got a few photos.

September 09 028 September 09 032 September 09 031

It’s just a beautiful little creature, and the girls and I got the pleasure of watching it for quite some time last night after dinner (including when it ran out in front of a car and for a fleeting moment I thought the evening was going to end horribly). We got quite close, so they were both very excited, though I had to try and ask C to stop saying “Hi!’ to it, as she startled it a few times.  You may think the novelty would wear off after a while since we see the deer so often, but they are so beautiful and peaceful that it doesn’t.

Last night, shortly before going to bed I was making myself a snack in the kitchen, I had been feeling really good about the tattoo design, then for some reason I found myself staring at the cutting board. It has hundreds of grooves and cuts/scratches in it. I’m sure every mark on there is your doing. The spot I was standing in was the spot you probably spent most of your time in this house. I could just envision you cooking away, working like a madman. I loved watching you cook. Sometimes it drove me crazy that you were always banging and crashing around – like a Tasmanian devil – using so many pots and pans, making a fair mess (though you always cleaned up well) and you broke things from time to time (I always tried to remind you that our kitchen was not an industrial one like you were accustomed to), but it always amazed me to see your skills in action. I’d walk in the kitchen, you’d have a bunch of food pulled out, three pots on the go on the stove, I’d ask you what you were making as you chopped away, and you’d reply ‘I don’t know’, or ‘I’m not sure yet’. I never understood how you could do that. And whatever you made was always amazing. Anyhow, as I stood in that spot, suddenly I could almost feel you right there beside me. Your hand on my upper back, trying to tell me that it was ok, or that you felt my pain. I just started to cry right there into my cereal (I was trying to go for something other than chips for a change). There is no comfort in the world to me like yours, and ironically yours is the one I can’t have, yet need the most right now. Still, there was some comfort in feeling your presence. It’s amazing to me how many things can be simultaneously painful and comforting throughout this process.

Well, I should get to sleep – it’s past my bedtime . . . good night My Love.


P.S. I Love You


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