September 15, 2009

Big steps for little feet

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 1:30 am by letterstoelias

Hello My Love,

E has her first day of preschool tomorrow. It’s only an hour for the parents and kids to meet the teachers and each other – but its official. I’m feeling pretty nervous about it. I so wish you could be here.  I know I’ve said it before, but it’s hard.  She seems really excited, which I’m happy about. I love that little girl so much, and tonight she was so sad – it tears me up inside. She had been in a bit of a funny mood today. She had taken her locket off the night before to go in the hot tub at my parents house (I haven’t bothered fixing ours yet), and this morning she decided she still didn’t want it back on. Late in the afternoon she had been acting a bit rough with C and I told her if she was angry about something that was fine – she could go and hit a pillow or the couch or something, but not people. She looked at me with an angry scowl, hooked her finger through your wedding ring as it was dangling on my necklace, and told me in a stern voice that she wanted me to take it off. I asked her why, and at first she didn’t explain, she only repeated herself. A moment later she calmed her voice a little and said that she just wanted to look at the other pendant – the one that is the family of four holding hands and forms a heart. I actually love how your ring encircles the pendant perfectly – some people have even thought it to be made that way at first. I told her that I understood she liked the pendant, but I like wearing your ring and it’s important to me to keep it on right now. She didn’t press the issue any further.

September 09 066

(yes, that is your spiderman shirt I’m wearing)

As we were walking down the hall to bed tonight I was mentioning some of the things she could ‘tell you’ about her day today, but she stated she didn’t want to talk to you tonight Even though it’s hard for me to hear – especially following the other issues in the day – I said that was ok, but I did ask her if she could let me know why. Of course all I got was a ‘just because’. When we got on the bed I asked her if she was feeling angry or sad about anything – she started to say that she was feeling angry, but then she changed and said she just felt sad and started to cry. Sob actually. And this time she wouldn’t let me hug her, cuddle her, stroke her hair – all I could do was hold her hand. I asked her if she could tell me what she was feeling sad about – expecting that it was because of you, and she blurts out ‘Because I can’t find my bunny!’ (Brandon had lent her a stuffed bunny she had taken to bed). I was a little surprised, and felt it sounded like it was about more than the bunny. Sure enough, we solved the bunny problem pretty quickly, yet the tears didn’t stop. She said she still felt sad, but she didn’t know why. Occasionally she would say something about wanting me to sleep with her all night all the time (possibly because she had nightmares the previous night and slept part of the night with me), she mentioned wanting me and C to come to preschool with her and then we would all go straight home, she mentioned feeling sad when I have to work and there’s no one to take care of her and C – yet of course there is always someone taking care of them when I work – and she also said something about wanting all of us to move out of this house, but when I asked her why she took it back and said she was just joking. Most of it had to do with her not wanting to be away from me.

I was finally able to cuddle a bit with her though and she started to calm down. I’ll spare you the rest of the production in getting the two of them to sleep, as that wasn’t quite the end of it, but in the end she was feeling much better and drifted to sleep. I think it’s just an accumulation of a little bit of everything, which is why she couldn’t really explain specifically what it was. She’s shown so much enthusiasm for preschool, so I’ve tried not to hype it up or talk about it too much, but beyond her excitement I’m sure there’s some anxiety too. It seems like a great place with great people though, and I’m sure it will be just fine. I’ll be the wreck I’m sure.

On Saturday I had my consultation for the tattoo. I dropped the girls off at Karen’s for a bit, Sian came with me and Jana met me there for guidance. Some of my ideas were not practical, unfortunately, but I appreciate the artist not trying to appease me by throwing everything in when it wouldn’t be best in the long run. I can’t wait to see what he draws up. Ironically, he had an opening on the 22nd. Not only that, but it was shortly after I got off work and the timing would be perfect for me to go, so I booked it. I figured getting it on the 5 month anniversary of your death would be as good as any way to mark the day (I had actually secretly been hoping to get it that day . . . ). I’m really looking forward to it. I know I have your ring on me every day, I still carry your wallet and your phone among other things, but this will be something of you I can keep with me permanently. Something that can’t be lost or stolen or removed (not easily anyhow).

After the consultation, Sian, Jana and I went to a little café for a bite to eat. It felt strange to be able to go out with friends with none of our kids running around interrupting our conversations. Jana had to leave after eating, but Sian and I killed some time around Sechelt before heading up to the going away party for Joel. It was nice to meet his parents and to talk with him for a bit. He’s really excited about going and he’s incredibly prepared – just as you said, it was obvious this was something he was truly passionate about. He really appreciated the fact that you were so supportive of him, and for how much you taught him. And, you certainly taught him to make great brownies – they were delicious!

On Sunday the girls and I went to IGA and on the way home we spotted a bear. I saw it coming out of the trees on one side of Pratt, so I pulled over so the girls could see. It crossed the street not far behind the car, and headed down a driveway. I backed up as it was too hard for the girls to look backwards, and when I reached the driveway the girls were able to see him standing in the yard before it trotted off towards more trees. They were pretty excited about it though, and now C keeps running up to the front window, pointing and saying ‘bear!’ She still says ‘deer’ often while doing the same, so it’s fun for her to have more animals to discuss. She also proudly states ‘TWO!’ when asked how old she’s going to be – but she also seems to think that everyone is two now. Speaking of C, she just woke up for the second time in 20mins and is now cuddled up beside me, dozing off again. Hopefully she won’t have too restless a night.

I should probably try to go to sleep now though, just in case. I stayed up way too late on Saturday, then on Sunday afternoon I was so tired that when I got C to sleep for her nap, I dozed off a little with her on the couch. E watched an episode of ‘“Word World’ then quietly played playdough while I kept half an eye on her, incredibly thankful that she played so well on her own and I had that time to rest. The satellite music somehow ended up on ‘Pop Adult’ (which was not the channel I left it on, but no one else touched the remote) and I thought I had to be dreaming when listening to the songs that were playing (but I ran the pvr back to check and I was right). First it was Jann Arden’s ‘A Million Miles Away’, then Michael Jackson’s ‘Gone Too Soon’, then Toni Braxton’s ‘Breathe Again’. While two of them are more like break up songs, the lyrics were still basically about heartache of loosing a loved one. It seemed so strange. This is the one that sums it up . . .

Like A Comet
Blazing ‘Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

You certainly were.

~C~

P.S. I Love You

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