September 16, 2009

The Scarlet W

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 4:09 pm by letterstoelias

I actually started this letter before bed last night, but fell asleep before finishing it (I think I fell asleep with my finger on the ‘submit’ button . . .), so basically it should be read as if it was yesterday.

Hello My Love,

Before heading to bed I thought I would share a few photos from this morning before I took E to preschool.  Of course she’s in the dress she got from Evie the other day – it’s almost exactly like the one she had just over a year ago that she wore all the time and we finally had to hide because she was trying to squeeze herself into it after it was way too small for her.  She also really wanted to pose with the bunny – and it cracks me up how she loves to work the camera.

Of course C had to get in on the action too . . .

The day went well – Anna helped out by staying a little longer to look after C so I could go with E on our own, which was great.  E seemed to really enjoy herself – tuned me out almost completely, which showed she was having a good time.  As much as she gets dolled up – E was really one of the boys.  I love that.  She was riding the bikes with all the boys.  At circle time all the girls sat together, but E was sitting with boys.  She has a few boys who she plays with regularly so it’s comfortable for her.  It’s not unlike me, who would always far rather talk hockey then clothes and make up, so I’m not worried about it one bit.  Of course I didn’t bring my camera to take pictures there, unfortunately, but Sian took some that she will send me.  We saw a few familiar faces that we hadn’t seen in quite some time which was great for me too.  I think I felt more like the ‘new kid’ then E.  The majority of the kids were together in the 3yr old class last year so all the parents know each other well already and were busy re-connecting so I didn’t get much of a chance to meet many of them . . . mind you, while I’m usually really out going in a situation like that I’ve definitely become a bit more of a wallflower these days.

I don’t know who already knows our ‘situation’ and it sometimes feel awkward when I know someone knows, but they’ve never met me before – I almost feel like I have a big sign above my head with an arrow pointing down that reads, “I’m the one”.  I don’t want to seem like I’m overanalyzing everything, and again, it’s not like I feel that I’m ‘that’ important and there is all this attention on me, but when you are living with something like this, it often feels that way.  And then there are people who don’t know and you know it’s bound to come up and then there’s another awkward situation.  I just wish I could be like everyone else.  I wish I had normal problems that people can relate to (or are hidden away perhaps), and not be someone that people don’t know how to talk to, so they don’t.  And I’m not even really as worried about people having morbid curiosity – I just hate feeling like I have an extra, unspoken title to my name,  ‘The Widow’, like it defines me – but, inevitably it does in some way.  There’s just more to me than that, but it takes the lead right now.  I’m thankful that there were at least a few people I knew and could talk with – I don’t think I have the energy to meet too many new people at once anyhow, I just wish it wouldn’t feel like it’s because of the big scarlet ‘W’ on my chest.  There’s a parents meeting tomorrow night, and it won’t be as busy with 20 kids running around, so we’ll see how that goes.  I just wish I could walk in there, hand in hand with you, excitedly welcoming the next chapter in our little girl’s life.  Occupied or not, the seat beside me will feel desolate.

Anyhow, the important thing is that E seemed completely comfortable, and that’s all that really matters.  She was looking forward to go back again and not worried at all that I would not be joining her this time and excited to hear that it would be for 2hrs next time. . . . .

Well, that’s as far as I had written last night – to add a little as of today, E came back from day 2 and all went well again.  My parents had planned to take the girls to the Fun Fair at Elphi today, but it’s been raining all day so that’s not likely to happen now.  They will look after them tonight while I go to the parent’s meeting though.  I forgot to mention earlier that I had the chance to ichat with Peter and Ally the other day, and we got to see little Cleo too.  She is so beautiful, and they are doing great.  Figuring everything out.  Peter had his first Father’s day and is very much a proud papa.  It’s his birthday this weekend and it sounds like they have a fun bbq planned.  I haven’t had the chance to catch up with Anthony in ages – hopefully we can chat soon.  I’ve been off the hook for cooking most of this week as I was given a beautiful lasagna from Anna, Sian made an awesome quiche and my friend Sue came by yesterday to drop off a number of items perfect for making enchiladas, and home made ‘soysages’.  Having food in the freezer that I can pull out in a pinch, or any other time is such a huge help and I’m incredibly thank full – especially since our schedules are picking up and things are getting busier and busier.

Well, I should get back to the girls as, though they are playing together peacefully at the moment, that can change on a dime.  Besides, E is coming into the room to tell me something about every 2 mins and it’s tough to write like that – I just wanted to get this letter finished before ending up like last night again.  Part of me thinks I should take out half of what I wrote about yesterday as I don’t want to sound overly dramatic, but try as I might it’s just so hard to put it into words accurately . . . especially late at night when I miss you most.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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