September 22, 2009

Gettin’ Inked

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 12:32 am by letterstoelias

Tomorrow’s the big day.  I’m not feeling nervous at all – I’m actually feeling quite excited.  I think this is the first thing in a while that I’ve actually been looking so forward to.  I’m just happy that I found a design I love, holds incredible meaning for me, and that will be a permanent part of me, just the way you are.

Sian is coming with me and we’ll bring my camera so I’ll have pictures to share – photos of freshly done tattoos never look great because of the skin irritation, but I want to show you none the less.  I’ll just have to take another in a week or so when it’s all better.  Of course tomorrow will still be a rough day, being the 5th month anniversary of your death, but I guess this is as good a way as any to spend it.

Today was a bit of a better day – the girls were gone for much of the day, mind you.  But, we had a nice morning together and after they were gone I decided that I would take the 1 1/2hrs before I had to work just for me.  Not surfing the internet or watching tv or getting various tasks marked off the to-do list, but actually on myself.  I did one of my pilates videos for the first time in, well, clearly a long time based on how my stomach feels right now – but I’m so glad it feels that way.  Then I sat in the sauna and read for a while (still working on ‘The Alchemy of Loss’).  By the time I was out I didn’t have time for the nice long shower I wanted, so I made myself a snack and fit the shower in after work.  It’s amazing how doing just the 20mins of pilates made me feel like I was standing taller.  I felt stronger.  I felt pretty good.  I always enjoyed working out, and I think that I may try to take the time for myself a little more often to keep it up.  I just want to feel a bit healthier again.  Sure, I’ve managed to cut out the nightly ice cream, but I’ve only replaced it with chips and iced cappuccinos (which I really don’t think I could give up at this point without falling asleep at 3pm each day).  I’ve also been much less active – spending much of the day just sitting, and actually skipped one or two breakfasts last week (something I NEVER do), yet I eat all the food the girls don’t finish off their plates at dinner, so it’s a wonder I haven’t gained 50lbs.  I’m not worried about weight at all at this point though – just trying to be healthy and maintain good habits.  Especially since I don’t have you coaxing me to eat fruit all the time any more.

Anyhow, I think making a conscious decision to make the time for myself just did a lot for me mentally and that matters a great deal at this point.  That said, I went back and re-read my post from last night and cried, and I don’t know if I will keep this up (I could end up just back to my old habits next Monday) but for at least a short while there was a bit of a shift in how I felt.  I also tried to make myself realize that though my parenting is not meeting my personal ideals at this point, it’s also not really all that bad either.  I have sporadic episodes where I will yell to try and get something accomplished, or to get something to stop, and while that’s not what I want or what I’ve typically resorted to before I also realize that the majority of the day those girls are still surrounded with music, dance, laughter, books, hugs, cuddles (more than they want most of the time), and kisses galore.  I also always take the time to apologize to them when I do ‘blow a fuse’ and try as best as possible to explain how I’m feeling and talk about working on finding a better way.  My yelling may be loud, but I’m not swearing or insulting them (yet =).

I did manage to get a bit of a longer stretch of ‘relatively’ uninterrupted sleep last night which probably helped matters as well – C stirred a couple of times early in the night and she did wake up early, but she came into my room and all I had to do was hoist her onto the bed and we both went right back to sleep.   As always, I have more I want to say, but in an effort to keep the ‘taking better care of myself’ ball rolling past just this morning, I’m going to try to get to sleep before 1am.    I think of you always.  You are never far from my mind and never off my heart.


P.S.  I Love You


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