September 23, 2009

whah whah whah

Posted in Uncategorized tagged at 1:04 am by letterstoelias

Peter Pan Show - June 09 005

Not the image you were expecting to see???  Yeah.  Me neither.

I had managed to get through most of this, the 5th month anniversary of your death, without too much trouble, mainly due to the anticipation of getting your memorial tattoo in the afternoon.  Well, the beautiful little child pictured in the photo above is the reason behind why I came home from the tattoo parlour sans tattoo.  Apparently, it’s not a good idea to get a tattoo while you are nursing.  The likelihood of anything bad actually happenng is rare, especially if you are going to a clean, reputable place, however since there is a risk – long shot or not – I opted to err on the side of caution.

The word ‘disappointed’ seems severely inadequate.  When I got home, much earlier than expected, I was eventually greeted by C with her big smile and giggle, and looking at that little ball of love managed to ease my woes some.  And I managed not to cry.  Barely.  You probably could have cooked an egg on my face though as I remember feeling extremely hot when the realization hit me like a tonne of bricks.  I felt badly for the tattoo artist too as he was now out $$ for the day as they agreed to carry my deposit over for the next time I book (whenever that will be . . . ) and I know it’s not my fault, but still I felt bad.  Sian bought me a venti java chip mocha frappuchino with whipped cream on the way home to help ease the pain, and I sucked it back pretty quickly.  We had even driven there in Buz’s classic ’65 Parisienne for fun (and it is pretty fun – people actually cheer for you while you drive through a parking lot).  How anticlimactic.  It was tough to take.  Really tough.  Argh.

As I was sitting in the waiting area filling out the consent form it asked to confirm that you were not pregnant or nursing.  I figured that it wouldn’t be a big deal as she barely nurses any longer – usually only 2x/day and pretty much everything you take advises to ‘talk to a doctor if you’re pregnant or nursing’.  We spent a bit more time discussing the design (as he had elaborated a little on my original image) and he was about to clean the area and put the transfer on and I said, ‘Oh yeah, one more question. . . ‘  As soon as I mentioned breastfeeding he backed up and said, ‘I guess you’re not getting a tattoo today then.’  I must admit (as much as I feel like an awful mother for doing so), the thought of weaning her on the spot did cross my mind – mainly because the 2x/day she nurses are more often out of convenience for me as it gets her to sleep for her nap easier and allows me to stay in bed a little longer in the mornings.  That said, she still does ask for it in the morning, and usually once in the day as well though, so I see it’s still somewhat important to her (even though I can usually easily distract her with food if I really want to).  The main risk is if I would have an allergic reaction to the tattoo, or if I got an infection it could transfer to her.  I thought perhaps I could just take a few day break from nursing to make sure that it was ok and then resume, but they said that infections can take a while to show symptoms and by then it could be passed along without me knowing if I thought everything was fine and started nursing again too soon.  As I’ve had a tattoo before, it’s an extremely slim chance – but as the tattoo artist said, I’ll have the tattoo my whole life, and C is only likely to nurse for a little while longer.  It just seemed so fitting to get it on this day and everything appeared to have fallen into place for it to happen that way.

As with E, the plan was for child-led weaning, hoping to nurse to at least 2 yrs though.  C will be two in a week.  E seemed to have no intention of stopping and though she did eventually loose interest it was only after a little gentle encouragement on my behalf, and if left up to her she may very well still be nursing today for all I know – it was clearly important to her.  I think C would easily wean if I wanted to try it, and I had been thinking about it recently, but at the same time I’d feel bad using a tattoo as the driving factor and it is a way for us to connect at such a crazy time in our lives.  And once C’s done, that’s it.  I know to some people that would be great, and I know it will be for me as well on many levels, but knowing I won’t have any more babies – it seems like it will be such a big step in letting go of my last little one.  I’m sure she’ll be ready before I know it though, and then I’ll have to be.

Just watch, she won’t ask for it at all tomorrow . . . .


P.S. I Love You



  1. brenda said,

    sucks. triple sucks. now, back to work for me….

  2. Marilyn Nash said,

    Whether you believe in astrology or not – we are now in the midst of Mercury Retrograde which lasts until the 29th. During this time, which happens three times a year, Murphy’s Law rules. Not an auspicious time for new beginnings. So it wasn’t very surprising that the tattoo didn’t work out as planned. Stay flexible and expect that plans will change. Chill. I look forward to seeing the tattoo when it finally materializes. (If you want me to email you some info on this, let me know.)
    Sunnily, Marilyn

    • letterstoelias said,

      Hi Marilyn,

      Thanks for the info – I’ve always been interested in astrology, but who is that Murphy and what is up with his law anyhow?

      Minor effort has shown that Caia is definitely not far from weaning, so I guess it will happen soon enough, and perhaps not a bad idea to skip the timing of Murphy’s Law – I wouldn’t have wanted to come home with a tattoo of a big piece of steak on my shoulder. =)


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