October 16, 2009

Wish me luck

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 1:12 am by letterstoelias

Hello My Love,

I’m going to do my presentation for the Aspire committee tomorrow.  It’s the final step for the application process.  I thought I would feel really nervous about it, but for some reason I’m not at all.  Good thing?  Bad thing?  I’m not sure.  Anyhow, I hope all goes well as it would be an incredible opportunity and it would make it easier to achieve my goals if I got into the program.  As much as I appreciate the Cummings and value what they have done for me, I think a change is needed.  I have a much harder time focusing at work these days, and I have to be far more careful than I used to be – I used to just ‘know’ the policies; now I’m terribly worried about making a mistake because I feel like I don’t know anything.  This morning we had a training session with a rep from one of the insurance companies and I was taking part over the phone.  The only example of a pre-existing health condition the rep could seem to come up with was cancer.  At one point he made it sound like it was less severe than high blood pressure.  Don’t get me wrong, I know hbp is no small potatoes, but come on.  Really, though, insurance was never something I was passionate about, it was something I was good at – and even then it was more the customer service side of things that kept me going.  I can do that in a store.  My store.

I went to the doctor today – I had to get a medical note signed to say that I was fit to handle my ‘duty days’ at the preschool (I get to go once a month to help out).  While there I asked about my shoulders.  I have tendonitis.  The left shoulder is pretty bad.  At least it’s confirmed that something is wrong with me and I’m not just being whiney.  He suggested physiotherapy, but with everything going on it seems near impossible to try and schedule something like that in, and I don’t have benefits any longer anyhow.  He gave me a handout with a few exercises and stretches and said to ice them and rest them.  That’s a little tough to do when you’re the only adult in a house.  I think the fact that if this doesn’t work, a shot of cortisone is my next option – so that’s a little motivation to try and at least throw some ice on them once in a while . . . I also borrowed my mom’s tens machine and maybe that will help.  Or I could just live with it like I have for the past 5 months.

It seems that C has finished nursing.  She missed a few days recently – she hadn’t really asked, or if she had it came at a time when I couldn’t and she didn’t really persist, and though I would tell her she could nurse later, she’d never ask again that day.  As of last night she had gone a couple of days straight without even asking and I figured I could probably consider it ended there, but then it hit me that the final time would have passed without me knowing it.  It’s been an ever constant part of my life for the past 4 1/2yrs, so it seemed strange to just let it drop completely.  Then I felt like if she was done, it would be nice to see if she was interested to nurse just one more time so I could have that last moment and then we could celebrate.  ‘Closure’ of sorts.  Of course this morning she did end up asking to nurse again anyhow (mainly to stop E from cuddling with me), but I didn’t have time.  In the afternoon I asked her if she was all finished with milk and she said ‘Yeah’, though when I asked her if she wanted to nurse one more time, she said yes.  It really is such a special bond, sweet and loving, but then once she starts pushing her feet on my neck and playing with my hair to the point of yanking it out, I realize I won’t miss it entirely.  It’s also been nice that she’s stopped writhing around screaming ‘ouck’ (her current work for milk) at me, especially in public.  After she finished we decided to make some vegetarian rice krispie treats to mark the occasion.  It was fun and the girls really enjoyed it.  I got the idea from a blogger I read who celebrated her kids weaning with cake (she also writes beautifully about moving forward through grief, among many other things).  Anyhow, we’ll see how it goes tomorrow, and perhaps it’s time to book the tattoo appointment again soon . . . .

I had a tough time getting the girls to bed tonight.  It was taking forever, and I got up to go put the bedtime music on.  I hadn’t been using it for months, but just started to do it again in the past couple of days.  As I sat at the computer hoping to have a moment to myself before going back in, before I knew it both girls and come in with me.  E had the sad puppy look on her face and said that the song playing reminded her of you.  Not surprising.  It was the first song I would almost always play when you were putting her to bed, Josh Groban’s You Raise Me Up (it’s how I always wanted her to think about you).  Still, her sadness seemed more like a convenient attempt to get out of bed and come see what I was up to or get my attention, because I have been playing the music for her a number of nights recently and this was the first time it came up.  I hate to think like that – I don’t want to believe she’s capable of trying to use that grief to her advantage, but once in a while it feels that way.  And, sometimes, though it starts that way it can turn into the sincere grief.  So I comforted her, we all went back to bed, and she snuggled up and calmed down.  A few songs later one came that hit me – Wintersong by Sarah McLaughlin.  Damn.  Why is that song on there???  I’ll have to take it off because there’s NO way I can listen to that all the time right now, and not just because it’s too early for a Christmassy song:

The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go

It’s late and morning’s in no hurry
But sleep won’t set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Even now it makes me cry.  And there the two of us were, in tears.  Still, she calmed down again fast and I got up to leave the room for just a few moments (to rub some tiger balm on my shoulder), hoping she may doze off as now C was finally asleep and it was almost 9:30.  As soon as I left the room, the whimpering started again.  I turned off the music, told her she didn’t need to worry any more, it was time for sleep, and that I loved her.  Then I went to make a phone call.  Shortly thereafter she was asleep.  As I said, I hate thinking that she would use sadness about your death as a ‘card’ to play, but the girl does have a flair for the dramatics.  Yesterday she was in her room with C and I hear what sounded like jumping on the bed.  Just as I was uttering words about not jumping – THUNK.  Pause.  Cry.  I went into the room doing my best to lead with comfort and not ‘I told you so’.  Once the tears had passed I asked her if she thought that perhaps that was why Mama says not to jump on the bed??  And I got back (cue tears), ‘It’s not fair!  Other kids get to jump on their beds and I don’t get to, and it’s not fair!’  Huh?  This starts at 4???  I thought this came out around 16 with ‘other kids get to drive’ or ‘other kids get to stay out until 1am’, something like that.  I’ve got my work cut out for me with this one.  She also spent a good 10 minutes trying to convince me that you could get the metaphoric twig of sadness to stay under water if you just pushed it down deep enough, fast enough, gentle enough, shallow enough, or if you just talked to it and told it to stay down (ok, to explain – I’ve been reading her a book about a little girl who has a hard time expressing her grief after her dad died.  It’s called Samantha Jane’s Missing Smile, and they discuss how trying to push away sad feelings is like trying to push a twig down in water, it will always come back to the surface).  E still has a hard time expressing her grief, which is why I don’t want to ignore her when she ‘seems’ to show it, but that’s another reason why I feel like what happened tonight was mostly less than sincere; because when it does come out, it usually comes out big.  But, who knows.  I just try to support her as best as I can.

Well, I’d better get to bed before my presentation tomorrow.  I miss you like crazy.  I miss everything about you, but earlier tonight in particular I was missing your laugh.  And right now, the feel of your arms around me.  That safe, warm, comfortable feeling.  Lifting me off my feet.  There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t give to have a hug from you.  I’d never let go.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Shannon Bond said,

    Good luck tomorrow! Maybe there is no fear because you have recently faced one of life’s biggest fears and are still breathing and moving forward (even when it hurts like hell) so even if this presentation doesn’t go well tomorrow …

    well, you know it’s not the end of the world.

    That said, I bet you do great
    But if you don’t
    You’re still great.

    OK ok ok. Now I’m going in circles trying to wish you well no matter what happens.
    BREAK A LEG!!!! (but not really)

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thanks so much Shannon – always nice to hear from you, and to hear your words of encouragement =).

      I’m still waiting to hear for sure if I got in or not, but it did go very well so here’s hoping!

  2. brenda said,

    so? so? what happenned?

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