October 19, 2009

Im in! . . . . maybe???

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 1:25 am by letterstoelias

Well, as far as the people at Aspire are concerned I’m in – they will now forward their approval to the government and it goes from there.  At the orientation session they said that only a very few people who get accepted into the program are actually turned down by the government, but on Friday they told me that the govt is getting pickier about things.  Their concern is the fact that I am currently employed and the main purpose for the program is for people who are unemployed.

When I started talking to Jason about my return to work a little after you died, I wasn’t sure what my income needs would be.  There was a great chance that I would need to work full time, and in the number of conversations he and I had at that time, he never stated with certainty that this would be a possibility.  This is when I started looking at other options, and strongly considered the Aspire program to begin with.  When all the dust was settled, I figured that if I stick to my budget (and I’ve been doing a pretty good job of it – sometimes too good . . .), I can still get by on my part time hours for now.  I’ve appreciated that because it’s afforded me to have some ‘free time’ (to keep up with the house and the girls of course), but I know I’ll also need to do more eventually.  Apparently the government used to look at cases for their individual circumstances a lot more than they do now.  This is where a problem could come up if they just see that I’m working and don’t take the rest of our situation into consideration.  They may think that I should just try to find another full time job instead, regardless if it means that it may not fit our family needs.  Or, if they think that the number of hours Jason could offer would be enough, regardless of the periodic emotional stress of the job, that I should just stay there.

I’m hopeful that it will all work out, and I really want to be happy, but I guess I’m cautiously optimistic.  Can’t count the chickens yet, so to speak.  The nice thing to hear, however, was that the committee was very impressed with my presentation, they loved my concept and thought I had a solid business plan.  The presentation went quite quickly, and after a few initial nerves were out of the way I was feeling pretty confident.  I’m not sure when I’ll find out for sure, but I guess it will still be another week or two until I get the final decision from the government.  So, the wait is still on after all.

As for the rest of the past few days, the girls and I spent much of Friday with our ‘extended family’, the Straws, and though at the end of the day the girls fell asleep quickly, they were both sleeping fairly restlessly – waking often and crying out a number of times just within the 3hrs between when they fell asleep and when I was going to go to bed.  I figured that I wasn’t going to get much sleep in my own bed, so I went to sleep with them.  They seemed to settle better with me there, but the funniest thing was – at about 3:30 am I suddenly heard a little ‘pitter patter’ down the hallway.  I rolled over and noticed that C was no longer beside me.  I got up, and sure enough, she had gone to get into my bed.  I guess her habit of doing so was so strong she didn’t even bother to take notice of where I actually was.  I carried her back to her room (I didn’t want her rolling off my bed) and we all slept a few more hours.

Saturday was another busy day as I had the orientation session at the preschool.  It was mainly to go over some basic first aid, the fire drill and the earthquake drill.  The first aid information was mainly for helping with choking, but as it went on and she was talking about calling 911 and describing what happens after a person looses consciousness and how long it takes before brain cells start to die, and then death occurs, I had to resist the urge to run for the door (into the terrential downpour of rain we had that day).  Even though this is not what happened to you, it still brought up that night again so clearly.  For a brief moment I even felt quite hot and worried that if I started feeling worse I may pass out – almost like I feel when I visit people in a hospital – but I drank lots of water and the feeling passed.  And if I had passed out, at least there was someone trained in first aid there to help!  Buz and Sian had been looking after the girls, so in trade I helped look after the boys in the afternoon so Sian could get a bit of rest.  By the end of the day I was pretty tired and ended up falling asleep with the girls.  The house has been a bit of a growing disaster, so most of today was spent trying to clean up a bit.  I got a little side-tracked as always, but had a somewhat productive day none the less.  I felt badly for the girls being cooped up all day (E was asking repeatedly to go outside, but there’s been a lot of rain lately and I’m sure the yard is just a mine-field as I haven’t been ‘poop-scooping’ for a while), and I was too busy to do much to help entertain them, but they played fairly well together – ok, not counting when C scratched E’s face . . . she’s a feisty one, just like we knew she would be.

It’s hard to explain just how much and in how many ways I miss you.  I was looking at photos today.  Some of you and the girls splashing in the hot tub from last summer.  The three of you looked like you were having the time of your lives.  Such a happy photo, but in an instant it brought me to tears.  I miss that smile.  I miss seeing the girls with you, and you with the girls.

May & June 08 114

Photos are so hard.  I love looking at you, but it hurts so much that it can’t be in any way other than a photo.  It’s also hard looking at how many photos have been taken since you died.  Seeing how much the girls have changed without you here to see it.  Seeing how much time has passed, how much we have done without you.  Seeing the first photos taken of them after you died – the day after.  I hate knowing that there is a photo that exists that is the last of the two of us together.  I want more.

Gabe & Claude's pix 055

And, I know it sounds vain and I know you’d be annoyed with me, but I hate that I don’t like how I look in that photo (you look handsome as always).  I know there are lots of good photos of us together, but I wish that one could have been great.  That said, I do love that in the photo I feel like it’s easy to see just how much we loved eachother.  And, at least it turned out a little better than this one,

Gabe & Claude's pix 048

It seems like all the last photos of us together are all ‘self portraits’.  I should ask around and see if anyone has anything they took of the two of us.  Before I’m off to try to get some sleep, Bridie sent me a link to an amazing blog the other day.  The writer lost her infant son a couple of years ago – this is one of the posts she wrote about her loss.  Her writing is beautiful, no words really to describe it (but bring out the tissues).  She writes about the loss of the potential of a child as well as her loss of her ability to be that child’s mother, and, though you were able to live more of a life than this child did, I find I relate to the loss of potential of you being a father to the girls and my loss of growing old with you, being your wife.  It’s about loss, and it’s about love.  And that is what really keeps us going.


P.S.  I Love You


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