October 21, 2009

the last goodnight

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 1:29 am by letterstoelias

why do i stay up so late?

why don’t i go to sleep at a reasonable time?  it would be sensible.  it would make things easier.

but i can’t choose sleep.  sleep has to take me.  unwillingly.

i watch mindless tv, and if i don’t fall asleep on the couch i drag myself to bed and still spend time on-line or reading.  i know one/both of the girls will be up in the night.  i know another day will start without you whether i sleep or not.  it doesn’t make a difference.

my eyes hurt.  i’m tired.  i can barely stay awake but i can’t ‘go’ to sleep.  it’s too hard.

i miss my last goodnight.

your hand to hold, shoulder to kiss, mumbled i love yous.

you.  my last goodnight.



P.S.  I Love You



  1. Debbie said,

    I know exactly what you are describing. Once the kids are asleep and the house is quiet, I miss him even more, which is hard to imagine, and crave one more last goodnight. Your writing is so beautiful. I can feel your love for Elias and his for you. I hope that sleep comes easier for you tonight.

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thanks Debbie,

      The nights are tough – I’m glad I have a few friends I can chat with on the phone after the girls are asleep, but I often feel bad, that I’m taking up so much of their time away from their own spouse. . . .

      It’s funny too, how though I never went out at night before, just knowing that I can’t even go out for a walk if I want to after they are asleep makes you feel almost trapped in your own house. I don’t even have anywhere I would go, but just ‘knowing’ I can’t is tough.

      Thanks for your understanding, and I’ve been trying to catch up a little on your site too, as I only recently stumbled across it from your comment on Jackie’s.

      • Debbie said,

        If you ever need to talk to someone who doesn’t have a spouse to take time away from and who may get a lot of what you’re going through, call me anytime! Just send me an email (dathomas1232@gmail.com) and I’ll send you my phone number. Since my boys are older than your girls, I’m a little more flexible on when I can talk. Call anytime. As mentioned, my house is too quiet after the kids have gone to bed too.
        Take care of yourself.

      • letterstoelias said,

        Thanks as always Debbie,

        I will probably take you up on the phone call offer, as soon as my phone is working again. . . . (my line died for some reason on the weekend and I’ve been without a phone for 3 days).

        I really appreciate that,

  2. Roads said,

    Chelsea — this one’s for you: Up all night.

    May your days and nights be brighter soon.

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thanks Roads – as always.

      I’m hoping to make more of an effort to go to sleep at a decent time, soon . . . .


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