October 22, 2009

6 months

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 1:00 am by letterstoelias

How could it be?  How could it possibly be???  I hate to sound redundant, but I absolutely cannot believe that six months has passed since you died.  Six months ago I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital with you in the back, your life slipping away.  Time doesn’t seem to make sense to me at all any more.  In some ways six months seems like an eternity – but in the same breath I can say that it feels like the blink of an eye.  That night is so vivid in my mind as if it ‘just’ happened, yet 183 days have passed.  Half a year.  I suppose in the grand scheme of things it’s not that long – but without you, it is an eternity.

Especially when you consider that, since our first kiss over 13yrs ago, we had never spent more than 4 days apart.  It’s difficult for me to put into words how it feels to be apart from you, but a friend shared this that speaks volumes, in the softest possible way.

But, here we are.  Six months out.  I miss everything about you, but not just what you brought to me.  Six months since you held our beautiful little girls.  Since you told them yourself that you love them.  Now I tell them every day for you.  I give them kisses from Daddy (and zerberts too).  They have changed so much.  Do you know?  Can you see them??  Do you hear C squeal ‘Daddy!’ whenever she sees your picture?  Do you hear E say ‘I love you Daddy’ before bed every night???  I believe in my heart you do but I want so much to know that it’s true.

Though, there are some things I wouldn’t want you to see.  I wouldn’t want you to see my periodic lack of patience with the girls.  My lack of energy to play and be silly with them as before.  My lack of knife skills.  My breakdowns.  How hard all of this is.  Because I know how much you worried.  I know how you hated that this would be my life.  The girls’ life.  You so often said that you felt bad because you got the ‘easy part’.  I would still debate that with you, but this is so very hard.  It’s exhausting.  I am trying though.  It’s work, every day, but I’m putting the effort in – some days more than others (some days not much at all), but it’s always there.  I hope you see that too.  It’s for you.  It’s because of you.  It’s my love for you.

As I was driving the other day I heard a song that brought on instant in tears:

Traveler of the great divides
Vagrant on a path to life
   Everyday feels a little closer
To where it is that you’re headed for
Given to a hope of so much more
For every time you fall apart
There’ll be a soul to guide your journey
But if you choose to turn away
There in the mirror
You’ll see my face
You’ll see my face
Think you’re on this road alone
Looking for a truth untold
Many times you’ve been close to breaking
Giving up and letting go
Something inside says it’s not over
And when the world crowds your space
Remember days when noise was silent
No empty vows, loveless displays
Just a sense of knowing
You’d see my face
You’d see my face

I knew I’d heard it before yet couldn’t place it.  I had the sense it was from a number on So You Think You Can Dance, so I got home and googled it.  The song is called ‘The Face’, and sure enough, it was from a routine in the first season of the Canadian edition – Blake’s beautiful choreography, amazingly danced, depicting a woman who lost her love and she just wants to see his face again.  I remember watching it with you last year and it had both of us in tears.  At that point we knew it was our likely future.  What I wouldn’t give to see your face again.  The song lyrics are beautiful and I know that you are the soul that guides me now, but needless to say I would much rather have you here in person.  And it’s not about all the extra ‘work’ that needs to be done now that I’m alone – I would gladly do it all and then some, just to still have you in my life.  I didn’t know the heart could hurt this much, yet keep beating.

For all I write, there’s always still so much more I want to say – I never feel like I can get it out quite right.  There’s just an insanely, constant swirl of emotions and thoughts in my head.

There are too many others who have walked this path before me, and too many more who are following behind.  For all of their understanding, support, blogs, comments – for the voice of a fellow widow/widower – I am forever grateful.  I have been told that this is survivable.  There have been points where it doesn’t seem to be; nevertheless I am still here so they must be right.  Where do I go from here?

Six months, and a day I suppose.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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1 Comment »

  1. Roads said,

    Six months — that’s such an achievement. They don’t come much harder than this.


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