November 3, 2009

‘Spukey’ Halloween!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 2:06 am by letterstoelias

Well, the vomit didn’t end after my last post.  C threw up a bit more in the night and E again in the morning, so we took it easy Thursday.  No classes, no preschool.  Before work I ran around frantically trying to clean as much as I could – wiping down lightswitches, door handles, toys – you name it.  My Mom still offered to come over and look after them while I worked but they kept it pretty low key, watching a couple of movies.  They seemed to be doing better in the evening, and much better by Friday morning, so we resumed our regular activities.  We had pizza night with the Straws, and I noticed that C didn’t eat much, but she still seemed fine.  I got them off to bed as usual, and was just about to go to bed myself around 10 (though I was planning on working on E’s Halloween costume from bed), when C threw up again.  I had to wake E up to change the sheets and decided that C and I would sleep on the couch covered in towels for the rest of the night as I was pretty tired of washing sheets and comforters.

It was a pretty restless night, and I started to feel quite sick again myself.  I came close to throwing up a couple of times, but was trying to ‘meditate’ it away. I also sat with my head out the window for 10 mins or so at about 3am and the fresh air seemed to help.  I felt like I hardly slept at all, and by morning was feeling awful.  Both the girls seemed ok, mind you.  My Mom took E for most of the day so I could take it easy with C and nap with her in the afternoon.  Of course, now it was Halloween and I hadn’t finished E’s costume yet.  After the nap I sat and managed to get it done – not exactly how I would have wanted to perhaps, but it wasn’t too bad considering . . .

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She loved it anyhow, and C looked pretty cute too – though she hated the face paint and wouldn’t let me do anymore that what was poorly done there.  She also refused to wear the cow bell, which was too bad.  We had a chance to ichat with Peter, and with your parents, so they got to see the girls in their costumes.  I managed to eat a little dinner and felt well enough to walk the streets with them trick or treating.  We didn’t go to the mall – I wasn’t feeling up for that, but we handed out a bit of candy before we left, my Dad came by to take some photos then switched off with my Mom so she could come trick or treating with us.  She offered to stay and hand out candy, but we just left the candy at the door for anyone else who came by.  It’s so nice that we live in a neighbourhood where we can do that (though I almost wish someone would have taken it all so I wouldn’t have all the leftovers…).

It was actually a beautiful night – couldn’t have been better for trick or treating.  We went with Buz, Sian, the boys and a couple other little friends.  Six kids under the age of 5.  I think everyone enjoyed it.

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October 09 119 It was pretty cute to say the least.  E was afraid of the decorations at some of the houses, but all in all it wasn’t too bad.  There were no fireworks this year though, so that was unfortunate.  She was really looking forward to it and had been talking for days about how you took her last year and she wasn’t scared.  She remebers that event with you so fondly.  I couldn’t help but think of just how much you would have enjoyed the evening.  While we never went ‘all out’ as some people do, you always loved Halloween and would get so involved in the decorating, carving pumpkins, playing spooky music – you would always take charge and I could leave most of it up to you.   And we had such a fun time trick or treating last year.    I remember you carrying Ashley on your shoulders as she was scared.  You couldn’t do that for E this year.  I can picture how you would have been laughing as C cried, trying to rip off the cow bell.  I tried to keep up with some of what you would have done.  I did a bit of decorating – E was extremely excited when I put the decorations up and ran around the house chanting ‘Spooky Halloween!’.  And I think it was the first time in about 13yrs that I cleaned out a pumpkin, which again was quite exciting for the girls . . .

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I had E draw what she wanted, and for C I drew shapes and she picked out which ones she wanted.  I carved one for myself as well . . . .

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There’s a heart on it too, but the photo doesn’t show it all.  It’s not quite like the pumpkin you carved last year,Sept & Oct 08 186

but I still like it.  The girls had a great time, went to bed pretty quickly, and no more vomit (though C still had a restless night).  Cali fared somewhat well.  I gave her a ‘tiny’ bit of one of those pills to calm her down which helped, and we get so few trick or treaters anyhow, but she still gets so scared of all the firecrackers.  Sunday I still wasn’t feeling 100% – though it’s hard to remember what that feels like exactly, as I don’t believe I’ve felt 100% for just over 6 months – but it was another beautiful day.  I made the girls ‘pumpkin pancakes’ (I had planned to make them the day before, but I wasn’t up to it) and we spent much of it in the yard.  I knew my shoulders would be hating me for it, but I raked the huge amount of leaves that had fallen (with a littlr help…), then managed to mow the lawn one last time before the winter (and yes, I was paying for it later).  We found a few new ‘friends’ in the backyard too…

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I was initially supposed to go into Vancouver to work today, and was feeling well enough to do so, but when I called Jason to let him know how the girls and I had been feeling the past few days, he thought it would be best to take a rain check on my office day.  For the better anyhow, I’m sure.

As for other news, I forgot to mention before that my phone was out for 4 days last week.  A repair person came on Tuesday morning and said that it was because of the renos done the wires got damaged and I was afraid I was going to have to pay for the visit, but he was very kind and said I wouldn’t have to.  My Dad also came by and helped make sure I had the best configuration for my internet – I had a free trial with another provider, and though the internet speed was much better it costs more, so I think I’ll stick with what I have.

It’s funny how missing you ‘sneaks up’ on me in some ways.  Last week I was sitting in the sauna (I tried to commit to going in every day for a week as it seemed to be the only thing making my tendonitis better…) and before getting out I decided I wanted to think a little about things that bring me peace about this situation.  I wanted to be able to come and write a more positive letter rather than the usual heartache.  I was thinking of some things that give me peace – that we truly loved one another and not even death could take that away from us was one – but then I just started to cry.

Last night, I was doing yet another load of laundry (I’ve washed almost everything in the house that could go in the machine trying to get rid of this stomach bug), and it included the quilt I usually use while I’m sitting on the couch.  I looked over to the quilt on the other couch, but I have barely touched that quilt since you died (I’ve also only sat on that couch for about a minute since, and I had to move it from where it was that night).  I had put it over you after you fell asleep there that night.  It was the nice big one that Gloria made, that was big enough for us both to fit under and we often would sit together under it while watching tv.  I was a bit cold (and I don’t usually use the fireplace as much after the girls are in bed) and tried to convince myself that it was just a quilt.  As soon as I brought it over and had it on my lap, I started to cry.

Then today.  I had hopped into the shower in the afternoon, after work and before the girls were due back with Sian, and was just about to turn the water off.  I put my razor on that little wire shelf hanging from the shower head, when something else fell off.  I looked down and saw just a little piece of soap.  But it was your soap.  I had no idea it was even there.  My razor has been on and off that shelf countless times, but I hadn’t seen the soap before.  I picked it up and it almost felt like it was burning a hole through my hand.  It felt hot.  I could smell it – of course the smell reminded me of you.  I started to cry.  Then I almost started laughing at myself for crying over a piece of soap, but that made me cry more and it was hard just to bring myself to put it back on the shelf.  Just a little piece of soap, that caught me completely off guard.  It’s not like I don’t come across your things every day – I sleep in one of your t-shirts for goodness sake.  Your shoes are always falling off the shoe rack.  I’ve started wearing your touque…

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But for some reason this soap got to me.  Anyhow – as much as it doesn’t sound that way, I don’t spend all day every day crying, it’s just impossible not to miss you.  People who meet me (and don’t already know) have no idea anything is amiss in my life (sorry I couldn’t think of a better word).  A few people have even told me that I ‘sound good’ recently.  I’m not sure that I sound any different, but if people can see a difference, then perhaps it’s true.  I feel pretty much the same, though I know some of the reading I’ve been doing has been helpful and perhaps that has made a subtle, miniscule, shift.

Anyhow, I need to get to sleep, but I hope you enjoyed the photos.  We miss you and love you so very much.  You are loved.  And, almost on que, here comes C down the hall.  Eventually they’ll sleep through the night, right?


P.S.  I Love You


1 Comment »

  1. Debbie said,


    I am so happy to hear that you made it through the stomach flu and Halloween and you allowed yourself a few breakdowns. I know how hard it is to give your kids all that they need to have a good life while dealing with a broken heart and a soul aching with grief. I believe those unexpected breakdowns are really necessary for the incremental healing of our broken hearts. I also believe that soap is some kind of grief touchstone :). I wrote a post about how upset I was when I had to open a new bar of soap after Austin died.

    I still find it such a double edged sword when people say how well I’m doing because it feels good to know that I’m not letting down my responsibilities to my kids, my job etc. etc. but at the same time I want to yell out “NO I’M NOT!” . People tend to not understand about all the times we are still awash in grief, the nights we cry ourselves to sleep, the moments that catch our breath and bring instant tears to our eyes and the deep sadness and grief that comes from losing our husbands and our children’s fathers. Thankfully, some of us do understand and are here anytime.

    I hope you are all feeling better soon and that you stay healthy and well. You are doing great and I’m sure Elias would be very proud of you!

    You kids and their costumes are so cute!!!

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