December 6, 2009

Daddy is the sun

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 1:03 am by letterstoelias

“Daddy is the sun.  He was so kind.  And because Daddy loved me so much, and I love him so much, he is always all around me, even though he died, and when I die.”

(God I hope I got that right.  I had my letter tonight almost completed, and my computer {the toshiba} basically crashed and I lost the whole thing – ARGH! to say the least.  I’ll see what I can remember . . .and I DID try saving the document, but it wouldn’t let me )

I was writing something earlier tonight, and E came over and asked me to write something for her, that she said reminded her of you, and that is what she wanted me to write (I had initially typed it word for word, and I’m ‘pretty sure’ that was it).  Recently, my mom and dad came over and took the girls to the beach for an hour or so.  My dad posted this photo on his flickr page, and if you read the comments below the photo, you can see perhaps where some of her words tonight likely came from.  Though the unspeakable pain of you not being here to see the wonderful little people the girls are now and will be; and for them not to know the wonderful man and father you were and would have been, is ever-present, moments like this give me a modicum of confidence that they will be ok through all of this.

E talks about you ALL the time, and with a great deal of joy and excitement.  Even C takes moments each day with her locket, loves looking at pictures of you, and  will at times point in the air, smile, and say Daddy.  The other day she added a laugh and said, ‘Daddy, play’.  Still, they miss you, and it hurts.  The other night E was crying for you for a while before bed, and a recent morning C looked over at your empty side of the bed and stated, ‘Want Daddy come home.’  You’d be hard-pressed to find four more heartbreaking little words.

Tonight as we were going to bed and saying goodnight to you, she wanted to remind you to put out your boot for St. Nicholas Day.  I’m working on keeping that tradition going since it was something that was a part of your upbringing and meant a lot to you.  It was a little last minute and I didn’t have much to throw in them though, as I initially had the date wrong in my head, but they were pretty excited and I’m sure it’s just the fun of it that they will appreciate.  I’ve gradually been trying to ‘ease’ my way into Christmas.  There is no question that it will challenge me (it already has a great deal).  Every time I think of lights and trees I pretty much want to cry, but E asks me every day when we are going to put ours up so I’m trying to find something that works for all of us.  I managed to listen to a bit of Christmas music (though it was only by default as it was already on when I came home).  We’ve put up an advent calendar of sorts (from and idea that I ‘stole’ from Jackie) where we made paper cups and each day we pull out a piece of paper with a ‘seasonal activity’ (anything from crafty projects, to making donations, to learning the history of St. Nicholas/Hanukkah/etc) and the girls have loved it so far (even though some mornings I’ve had to sneak the paper in there before they rush to open it as I’m pretty unorganized).  My mom made a gingerbread house and a Christmas tree craft project with them.  Your parents finally made it over for a quick visit and we made more paper snowflakes with them and they brought one of Claude’s beautiful centerpieces.  The girls have been happy with everything so far, and I haven’t crashed yet so I guess that’s all I can hope for.  We’re only 5 days in, but I guess it’s a good start.  We’re just taking it day by day.

As one of my wise ‘widow-friends’ said on her blog the other day, no matter how you try to escape Christmas, the pain of missing someone loved so dearly will always be there no matter what we do (or don’t do).  Even if I could ignore Christmas (which is impossible, by the way), I couldn’t ignore missing you anyhow.  I’m sure there will be times where it is more intense, but there are times like that for no ‘apparent’ reason as it is.  Anna and I were talking about this the other day and she said it’s like the quote, ‘wherever you go, there you are’.  And missing you will be wherever I go.  And yes, likely more so at times like this.  I’m sure that those things which I resist will only get stronger with my resistance, but it’s still hard.  SO hard.

One thing that perhaps has helped a bit though, is that I have been exceptionally busy this week.  The Aspire program has started, and it’s been great so far.  The facilitators are amazing and it’s a great group of participants.  I can really see how it will help me in the long run, and have decided to wait until the workshop portion of the program is over to work on getting the store up and running.  Now I can see the benefit in waiting and giving myself that time and getting the business plan finalized.  Besides, I don’t really have time to work on that right now, with everything else going on.  I don’t have time for much at all.  The housework really slid this week, but fortunately my mom pitched in a bit while looking after the girls, and as we were at Anna’s for dinner one night and at Buz and Sian’s a couple nights this week, I didn’t need to cook much.

As I mentioned before, you parents made it over for a visit.  They came Friday afternoon and left today (Sat afternoon).  The girls were very excited to have Oma and Papere come for a sleepover.  They brought over some food from costco, along with new outfits for each of the girls and a couple shirts for me, which was really nice.  They got to watch E’s acro class, and afterwards we even brought them along for our traditional ‘Pizza Night Friday’ with Buz and Sian.  This morning after breakfast we went outside and they helped around the yard for a bit, which was great.  We also discussed them coming back, maybe with ‘reinforcements’ in a few weeks to get started on putting up the arbour you had planned for the yard.  Another thing that, though it hurts to know you weren’t able to do it yourself and that you won’t be here to see your vision complete, it feels to me like a way to honour you and it will be so nice to have it done.  Something I could never do on my own, so having help will be great.  Hopefully the weather holds out – it has been just beautiful here the past week.  Cold, but sunny.  A nice break from all the gray sky and rain we had in November (though it’s terribly windy tonight).

I can’t remember much else of what I had previously written, so I guess I’ll leave it at that for now (I’m sure what I wrote before sounded much better too . . . ).  Tomorrow we have more visitors, as Sue and Dale are dropping in and I’m looking forward to that.  Then the business of the week begins again.  The girls also have their Christmas dance show on the 12th, so that should be fun.  Once again, before I go, I stumbled upon something that I wanted to share.  A while back I linked to a post from a writer who had lost her infant son.  She has written a children’s book, The Dread Crew, and is now working on another.  As this excerpt on her blog is an indication of her amazing talent, I plan to get a copy – but these words in particular, spoke directly to my heart (thank you Kate):

You are not to be lost, sweet girl. No! Whenever you get sad at your wandering mother or your all-gone father all you need do is look down. And there you’ll see not one but two strong legs, lean and braided with muscle, ready to help make you fly. You will fly, sweet girl, by all your blood and your bone and the wind in your strawberry hair. And I will be your go go go. I won’t be just your daddy anymore. I will be your joy. When your heart thumps in your chest, I will be all the stars that thump along with you and tug at their pins, wishing for to chase. I will be there forever and you’ll feel my smile through the darkest pitch black, loving you.

 You will be our go go go, and I am lucky enough to feel your smile in this, the darkest pitch black.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Bridie said,

    I didn’t know Elias grew up celebrating Nikolaus, but of course it makes sense that he would. It’s a fun tradition to pass on to the kids. Love the activity advent as well. I have some other thoughts to share with you off line when you have a chance…

    In the meantime, you and the girls hug each other from me and mine : )


    • letterstoelias said,

      Hugs given and appreciated =)

      Yup, the boys did the boots every year when they were little, and we did it with the girls last year (though I can’t recall if we did it the year before . . . ). Eibhlin was pretty excited, but I was a little disappointed that she silently went out there without a peep and emptied her boot – I caught on when I heard her directing Caia to do the same. Fortunately I was able to hold her up enough to get my camera and get a few shots of her with her ‘gifts’.

      Look forward to talking with you soon,

  2. What a delicate thing to comment on an intimate correspondence… I feel like I’m interjecting. And that’s a lovely feeling and a very fitting one to have.

    So I’ll make it brief. People often call me an undiscovered Buddhist for how the loss of Liam made me storytell as to where he’d gone and why we’re here. Sounds like Eibhlin might be one too. She put it beautifully.

    Love and light,

  3. Roads said,

    You’re exactly right, that Christmas can’t be cancelled, however tempting that sounds. The little ones’ (and everyone else’s) expectations make that a sheer impossibility.

    It’s a testing time of year, with so much to do and so little emotional support to help you. All I can say is that a child’s smile on Christmas Day is worth all the late nights of organising and wrapping and card writing and everything else that you used to share.

    January will soon be here, and you’ll have it all behind you. One more huge achievement, waiting there in front of you to be conquered. You can do it.

    Best wishes from London.

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thanks Roads – yes, I’m looking quite forward to January. This has proved to be one of the biggest ‘tests’ for me thus far.

      I’m sure once the day arrives, as you say the joy in the girls will help, but for now all I can really see is what I’m missing – I still see what I have, but missing Elias is taking centre stage.

      As always, I sincerely appreciate your understanding and words of support,

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