January 10, 2010

Forever My Love

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 12:25 am by letterstoelias

Though I know it’s impossible to put into words just how much I miss you, I sure wish I could find a way . . .

It was so great having LB here for a visit this week – she ended up coming on Tues evening, and after joining us for dinner she jumped right in to help put the girls to bed.  They loved it too, and it was a nice break for me.  I hate that it sounds so silly to make such a big deal about having a night off from the bedtime routine – it’s really not that hard to brush teeth and read stories, etc – but it makes such a difference to not have to do it once in a while.  And even though I pretty much always did it before you died anyway, you always were there to help in some capacity or we split ourselves between the girls and it was just so much easier.

Anyhow, it was great that she was able to pitch in and we also had a really nice time to catch up and chat.  On Wednesday I didn’t have work or Aspire, but having her there gave me the chance to go out to Sechelt to do some photography for a friend, then head back to E’s preschool and do a few photos there for the website they are building.

I had also mistakenly thought there was a preschool meeting that night and thought it worked out great that LB was there to look after the girls (as she decided to stay an extra night), but I forgot that the meeting had been cancelled.  I joked that since I had childcare already arranged for a night out, I should head out with Buz and Sian to the Blackfish – and LB insisted that we do it.  She kicked me out, and it was really nice to have just a couple of hours to sit with Buz and Sian, without the distraction of 4 kids.  The girls were asleep when I came back, and LB and I had another great chance to chat.

I was sad to see her go on Thursday morning – I tried to convince her to pick up and move in with me =), but no such luck.  Having the extra hands around the house & with the girls, even just for 40hrs, was so great.  It also reminded me just how much I miss having you around – not that I ever forget, but I’ve just become accustomed to making-do around the house on my own (ok, not completely on my own as I get some help from my mom and Sian), and it was so nice to have that help, and the company.  Something other than a screen to engage with after the girls have gone to sleep.

On Thursday, my mom had noted that C was a bit grumpy while I was at Aspire, and while I worked in the afternoon I noticed she did seem a little ‘off’.  I picked her up and she felt quite warm.  Sure enough, she had a mild fever.  It’s the first time I can remember her having one.  She was quite tired as well, and was practically falling asleep on my lap, which is quite out of character for her.  She still had an appetite, and after shortly after dinner she went to sleep quite easily.  Friday afternoon E had acro and we were thinking of cancelling pizza night with Buz and Sian, but C’s fever was gone and her energy was back up.  We went for dinner, but by 6:30 she was wearing down so we went home and off to bed.  Today we had planned to go to a friend’s for dinner, but I cancelled as in the morning I was not feeling well, and C – though her fever is gone – now has a cough and cold, so we opted to stay home for the whole day and tried to take it easy.  My coughing has progressed some through the day, so I’m hoping to rest up as next week is my final week of daily workshops with Aspire.  That said the house is still a bit of a mess, the recycling is overflowing and the cupboards and fridge are looking a bit bare, so I should put in at least a little effort around here tomorrow.

Something else occurred this week though, too.  C woke in the middle of the night, Thursday (or Friday morning).  I brought her into bed with me, thinking she would likely sleep more soundly.  It took her some time to settle back down (this was the night her fever developed) and I was in and out of sleep for a while as she was trying to settle herself.  At one point, I started to dream . . .

I had just got C back to sleep, though in the dream she was in her bed and I in mine.  It was 2am, and suddenly the phone rang.  I answered it quickly, so it wouldn’t wake the girls.

‘Hello?’ I heard a lot of static.  Background noise.  Then I heard you.

‘Hello?  Hi!’  It felt so amazing to hear your voice.  I could even hear your smile.  I remember feeling indescribably excited.  Happy.  At ease.

‘So, when’s dinner going to be ready?’ you asked, with that smile.

‘I’m putting it on the table right now’, I replied, smiling too (though it was not true by any means of course – remember it was 2am in my dream and I was in bed).

Then I think you asked something about what was for dinner, and either I told you that we were having stew, or you asked for it – I can’t remember which (I can’t remember it exactly and for whatever reason there was a lot of background noise on ‘the phone’).

‘It better be a meat stew’ you laughed, ‘I’ve got to have my meat you know’.  (ironic, as immediately before you died you had decided to become vegetarian).  I laughed, and said ‘Ok.  Sure.’  (also ironic since I NEVER cook meat).

Then it was over.  There would have been more, I’m sure, as just as you started to say something else C began to stir and I woke up.  My heart was immediately racing (it must have been during the dream too).  I thought it would beat out of my chest.  It felt so real.  SO real.  And, it felt so good.  But then I found myself almost in a panic trying to remember it all exactly.  I retold myself the dialogue over and over again, not wanting to miss a thing – though of course now it’s somewhat foggy.

I needed that.  It’s still hard, because it just wasn’t long enough and it sucks that it’s the only way I can experience you in a new way – but it was comforting too.  You sounded great.  Content.  As if all was ok.  I haven’t had many dreams that were so clearly you thus far – I can only think of two – though there have been many where I feel like I have sensed your presence but could just never be sure if you were there.  Though I didn’t ‘see’ you in this dream, there was no question that it was your voice.  And you were telling me you were ok.

As good as it felt, it’s still brought me near tears a few times as I’ve thought of it since, but I wish you could come to my dreams all the time.  I’d take it.  Even if just through a phone call.  It’s funny, because though I can’t bring myself to watch videos with you in them, even to hear your voice on a video is too hard – but this was ok.  Somehow.

Something that also brought me to tears the other day – while driving – this song came on the radio:

Picking up the pieces,
of a life that I once knew
What will tomorrow bring?
Gray skies all around me, I don’t know where to turn
Can you help me with this pain?
A shooting star, a ray of light
A breeze that calms me in the night
I got your message yesterday
I feel you here, I wish that you could
Stay with me
Two hearts forever
You were the spark that lit the flame
Only if you’d
Stay with me
This love’s forever
And in my heart you will remain
Until we meet again


Sitting in the cold room, waiting for the sun
Will it ever shine again?
Pictures frames, the better days, are swirling in my head
Will I ever find a way?
A shooting star, a ray of light
A breeze that calms me in the night
I got your message yesterday
I feel you here, I wish that you could
Stay with me
Two hearts forever
You were the spark that lit the flame
Only if you’d
Stay with me
This love’s forever
And in my heart you will remain
Until we meet again

As much as all of this hurts, I do try to take peace in some things, and I’ve been trying to focus on that more the past few days (perhaps mainly in an effort to recover from the holidays) – our love was worth this.  It still is.

Nothing can take the pain away.  In time, I will get used to living with it, but the wound will remain and the intense grief will always be lingering in the shadows of my existence.  There will be an open gash across my heart for the rest of my life.  It will never heal, though I will learn how to bend and move with it to avoid constant pain.  From time to time, however, it will still get hit and the pain will knock me back – I have accepted this as inevitable, and in some ways I am ok with that, as I actually find comfort in knowing our love was so strong that, even years from now, I will cry for you.  For the rest of my life I will cry for you.  And that is ok.

It doesn’t make it easy.  By any means.  It doesn’t mean I’ve yet accepted all of this – there are still many moments where I feel you have to be coming back, or that I can’t actually believe this is really my life now.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish, with every fiber of my being that you were still here.  My tears are still frequent.  The wound is incredibly raw, even 8 ½ months later.  But I know that, even without you here, our love is forever.  Until we meet again.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Debbie said,

    Heart wrenching post, Chelsea. I can always feel your emotion so strongly in your writing, whether it be the relief of having another adult in the house for a while or the agony of missing Elias. I find that when I’m doing the everyday stuff around the house, once in a while I’ll suddenly remember that Austin used to be the one to do it, or we’d share the task, and it literally takes my breath away. At first I was always aware of his presence in the everyday tasks, but now it only comes once in a while. In a way I’m glad, because it’s so overwhelming to constantly think about what he would be doing if he was here. But it’s also sad, because it feels that he’s moving away from us, when we still think about him 24/7 and we aren’t ready for him to move away.

    I love your dream. To hear Elias’s voice so clearly is such a gift (should I say clearly with static?). I don’t dream much about Austin but when I do I always wake up with my heart racing and I desperately run the dream through my head so I don’t forget a detail until I can write it down. I also have attempted to quickly get back to sleep and back to the dream, which never works 🙂

    I’m so glad you had 40 hours with your friend, who was so helpful and supportive. It’s definitely understandable how getting a night off from the bedtime routine would be a treat. When children are little, bedtime is more involved than when they get older but even now, I miss hearing Austin in the boys’ rooms at bedtime, reading to them, talking to them, tucking them in. Sweet memory.

    Ok, I’m really rambling now. Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate reading your posts. They always ring so familiar to me as we travel down this grief road on parallel paths. Hope everyone in your house is feeling better today.


    • letterstoelias said,

      Hi Debbie,

      Thanks for your comment – Caia and I are ‘almost’ better, but it’s this nasty cough that won’t go away and I’m worried that Eibhlin now has it. It’s been an exhausting week with being under the weather while finishing my workshops, working part time, and everything else. The house has really fallen apart, but hopefully with some extra free time next week I’ll be able to feel like I’m getting some control back over things. I still have to work on my business plan, but at least I’ll be doing it from home now – though I’ll still have to force myself to make the time to work on it I’m sure. . .

      Anyhow, now I’m rambling!

  2. LB said,

    I was so happy to stay with you and the girls. It meant so much to me to see that old familiar smile on your face. I will send you the pictures shortly.

    Love LB

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thanks again SO much LB – not just for your help with the girls, but for bearing with me, staying up late to chat. I really valued that opportunity to reconnect and hope we can keep in touch more often.

      Looking forward to the pictures!

  3. Dan said,

    Hi Chelsea,

    I read this, and several of your others posts, this weekend. I was so touched by the tenderness of your words, and struggled with writing a comment. It was like walking into a private conversation, where such love is being shared.

    “our love was worth this. It still is.” These are words I have said myself. Reading them in your post reminded me that I need to say them more often. As you read in my recent posts, I have been struggling the past couple of days. I’m going to write your words down, and place them somewhere I will see them every day. I will think of you, Elias and your girls.

    Thank you.


    • letterstoelias said,

      Hi Dan,

      A few others have mentioned similar points about the difficulty in commenting because of how I write – as if to Elias. I’ve considered changing the style, as I do appreciate comments greatly, though I’ve decided in the end that writing this way is so therapeutic for me it would be too tough to switch (though I always still welcome comments).

      I’m glad my words gave you that reminder. It seems so simple, but when the grief is so strong it can be terribly difficult to keep that thought present. Putting it up somewhere is a great idea. I hope all goes as well as can be for you on Monday. I know it’s a big day for you and you’ll be in my thoughts (as always, but I know how those anniversary/birthday/etc days have an extra punch).


  4. Roads said,

    It’s strange, since I can only remember a handful of dreams. Maybe two or three in that first year and the one after. Then a long gap, and a few more out of nowhere a year or so ago.

    Sometimes, I knew they weren’t real. But once or twice it seemed really real, as if the rest of my life in between had been a dream and I could wake up again and we would all be back to where we were.

    It hurt to wake up, those times.

    On reading this, I was struck by the great sense of resolve in your words towards the foot of this post. I’m full of admiration for your steely, philosophical determination.

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