January 24, 2010

A little down time

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 1:39 am by letterstoelias

This week has been a bit quieter, in a sense, for me since I didn’t have to go to Sechelt each day for workshops.  It was good to be able to spend a bit more time around the house and with the girls again.  It felt a little more peaceful not having to physically run around, though I still had to put work in on my business plan draft and my mind has still been running constantly from one thing to the next.

Yet, perhaps because it was a somewhat slower week, I was taken down a notch the other night.  After the wave of Christmas and New Years, it took me a bit to recover, and though I’ve still had my moments since then and the weight of missing you is ever present, I hadn’t had any big ‘cry spells’ for a bit.  There was no apparent particular reason for it – I guess that’s just the way grief works.  It really sucks, though, when you have a wicked cough and it’s already tough to breathe.

The next day I felt as if I’d been hit by a truck, and though I was severely lacking sleep and rather exhausted, I still managed a pretty busy day in a relatively smooth manner.

I picked up a friend of E’s and took them to soccer class.  Yes, I signed E up for soccer.  You’re welcome.  It was something you always wanted to do, and I had zero interest in (the idea of standing in the freezing rain at 7am on a Sunday morning is SO not me), but at least this session is indoors and it’s only 5 weeks so I thought we’d give it a try.  It seemed important to you that she get a chance to play soccer (and I was able to get the rec centre to honor the 3yr old credit we had from her swimming lesions to pay for it).  I’m still not making any promises about future lessons, but she really did enjoy it.

After dropping them off, I ran (literally) C down the block to her ballet class.  It was the first class I had to opportunity to take her to in a while, so she seemed to want to cling to me a bit.  After her class we walked back to the rec centre to pick up E and Brandon to go back to our place for a quick lunch before I took them down to preschool.  After dropping them off, it was back home to work for a few hours.

I was supposed to go view some potential lease spaces for the store this week, but apparently it seems all the realtors in town are on holiday and they couldn’t track down the keys to the spaces.  That was disappointing, but hopefully this coming week I can get in.  I have some big decisions to make about size and budget – it would be great to be able to have a space big enough to put a photo studio in the back, but I don’t know if that will be possible.  We’ll see.

Friday was a beautiful day here.  It was the 9 month anniversary of your death, and though that thought crossed my mind multiple times, I tried not to let the date have too much control of me.  My mom taped something for me the other day where someone grieving the loss of his partner 5 yrs ago, was talking to a boy who recently lost his twin brother to brain cancer.  He said that the ‘date’ is not what holds meaning, it’s the memories, so to try and not let certain dates take over your life.  Easier said than done, since for the most part the date is what triggers the memory – like Christmas and birthdays – but I figured the ‘month’ anniversaries were a good place to start.  It’s true, I miss you just as much today as I did on Christmas day, but it’s still different.

Anyhow, we spent the afternoon at Buz and Sian’s for our usual acro class/pizza day.  The kids were riding bikes up and down the driveway, and E was working incredibly hard on riding a two-wheeler on her own.  You would have been incredibly proud (and I told her so).  She was getting frustrated, but was relentless.  Sian took her down to acro, and she told me that on the way back, E put her had out the car window and said, ‘Daddy’s holding my hand right now.’

She’s such a fantastic kid.  I know I’m being redundant, but it kills me that you don’t get to see first hand just how these little girls of ours are growing and changing and how amazing they are.  The other day E decided she wanted to write a book.  She came to me with a tiny, folded piece of paper and asked me to help her write it.  She told me exactly what she wanted it to say (it’s only about 3 lines, but very cute), then we came up with a title for it – ‘Cover Up Your Coughs and Sneezes’, and she wrote, ‘By E’ on the cover and drew a picture on the back.  I’ve never seen her more proud of herself.  She read it over and over to anyone (or thing) who would listen, and kept exclaiming that she’s an author.

She took it to preschool to share with her class, and I was fortunate that, at the end of class just as I arrived to pick her up, the teacher called her up and she read her little book in front of the class with, a little nerves, but a big smile on her face.  She then walked slowly around the room with the book held out to show each of her classmates the illustration, and as they were dismissed a few of them came up for a better look and she stood there explaining it to them.  I could have cried (I ‘almost’ did).  Today she was working on drawing pictures of your face on her magnadoodle.  She often talks about things in relation to ‘when we still had Daddy’ or ‘before Daddy died’.  She uses your death as a bit of a time stamp, even she’s not talking about anything involving to you.  It’s clear that you are always on her mind.

C is incredible too.  She’s almost completely potty trained already, and she has even woken up dry a few mornings recently.  She still has the odd accident, but is doing great.  She still cracks me up all the time – her little sense of humour is so reminiscent of you it’s amazing.  The other night when we were lying in bed, she said, ‘A mitt Daddy a’yot.’ (for, ‘I miss Daddy a lot’ – she can’t make the ‘s’ sound yet).  She flies all around on the plasma car, and pretty much refuses to walk from one end of the house to the other now.  She has to take the car to the bathroom, to get socks.  You name it.  She has to try and do pretty much everything for herself and pitches a fit if I try and help before I’m asked (even if there’s only a 2 second difference), but it’s great to see her independence growing – and her fits are actually rather comical.  She’s rather dramatic.

They both did a little ‘modelling’ this week.  A friend who also went through the Aspire program, just before me, designed some little girl’s dresses and I took some photos of the girls in them for her website.  It was great to do the photos, and the girls had fun with it too.  She’s working on her fall/winter line now too, and in a month or so we’ll be doing more.  The people at Aspire were really happy with the head-shots I did for them over the holidays, and it looks like I’ll be hired back to do more in the future, which is great.  It’s nice to be spending so much time behind the camera again.  Since you died (quite literally, the day after you died), I really tried to start picking it up more and more, and now it’s nice to get a few paying jobs for it.  I still feel a bit rusty and I have so much I’d like to learn on the photo editing side of things – and I have no idea when I’ll get the time – but it’s another good focus for me (no pun intended).

I’m finally almost over this sore throat/cough, and this coming week is looking fairly quiet again so I’m hoping I can put a little more work into the house again and restore some order.  I’m hoping to get back into the sauna a little more often again.  Every morning I wake up and it feels as though I have fiery daggers in my arms.  This morning it was hard just to get up and out of bed.  I know that once I’m moving around in the day it subsides (unless I ‘tweak’ them), but first thing in the morning it’s ridiculous.  And I refuse to get a cortisone shot, so I’ll just have to make the time to get in the sauna.

Well, I’ve finally figured out the problem I was having with uploading photos.  I should get to sleep, but I’ll try to get them up in the next couple of days.  God, how I wish you were here.  Sometimes, I look at photos of us – it’s like that life was a dream.  I don’t mean dream as in ‘perfect’ – I mean as if it never really even happened.  This past 9 months have flown by in some ways, but in others it’s like a lifetime.  A completely different lifetime.  I hate it – but sometimes it feels like you were never even real – our ‘old life’ seems so foreign to me now.  Yet I still have a hard time feeling like I’m really in this ‘new life’.  I still twinge when I hear someone refer to me as a ‘single mom’ because – I don’t know.  I still don’t feel single I guess.  It’s a crazy place to be.  I am certainly not the same person I used to be, in so many ways.  I only hope you’re ok with that.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Debbie said,

    I agree with the idea of not focusing on dates, and that seems to fade a little as I move further away from the day he died. The holidays still get me but I used to know how many weeks it was and a Friday couldn’t pass without me reliving the entire morning that he died. But the past two Fridays have passed without me thinking about it until later in the day. And I have to admit I feel a little guilty when I realize I forgot. But I think it’s healthy that I’m not focusing on constantly counting the time that has passed. I do still note the 20th every month, but just quietly on my own. I’m wondering if I will still think about it as much after we’ve passed March 20th.

    I’m glad you’re feeling better and I hope you have time to get into your sauna. I’m going to look into getting one. And as I sit through day 2 of a prairie blizzard, the thought of Eibhlin riding her bike makes me smile. I love the coast!

    Well done getting her into soccer. I loved reading your “your welcome” to Elias. I find myself talking to Austin about the kids sometimes and I’ll often make comments like that, knowing what he’d be saying if I could hear his side of the conversation. I guess knowing our husbands so well means we do hear their side of the conversation. That’s a special gift they’ve left us.

    Take care,

    • letterstoelias said,

      I’ve finally managed a few nights into the sauna after the girls are asleep, and my cough seems to have disappeared at long last. Now I’m hoping the sauna will help with my shoulders a bit – moving 400lbs worth of wood pellets in and out of the car the other day (not all at once mind you, it was in 10 40lb bags) really seemed to do a number on them . . .

      It is true, we know how our loved ones would react in so many situations. There have been countless times where I can feel so strongly what Elias would be doing/saying. It really is a gift.

      Hope the blizzard has finally subsided!

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