February 6, 2010

Photographic Evidence

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 12:20 am by letterstoelias

Hello my Love,

Well, things have improved somewhat since the dreaded ‘unicorn incident’ of the other day . . .

And, as I mentioned, at least it was those unicorns who lost their heads and not one like this . . .

I know, when it comes down to it, that type of thing would generally be considered an isolated incident and the girls (and I) are usually SO much better behaved, but I guess in the midst of this we all have our ‘days’.  Here is one of the better ones (just to prove it’s not all bad . . .)

I still have a hard time accepting that I am not the same mother I once was – yet another loss that came with losing you.  There are many ways I’m hanging on to you for dear life.  I can’t yet bear to take off my rings (or yours that’s around my neck for that matter).  Not that anyone thinks I should (or at least they don’t tell me to my face anyhow), but I wonder if it would cut down on strangers asking me about/mentioning ‘my husband’.  Perhaps if the rings weren’t there I wouldn’t have to explain as much.  Though, I wonder then if there would be judgment if I walked around with two little kids and no wedding ring?  Even if I did take them off (or when I do, I suppose), my fingers have grown around them in the past 10yrs, and it would still be obvious of what once was, and possibly a more painful reminder for me. . . .

(this is as far ‘off’ as the wedding ring has gone)

I suppose (when ready) I could start with taking off my engagement ring.  I’ve considered moving the band to my other hand.  One of my plans was to blend the three rings together and make three new ones – one for each of the girls and one for myself, though I could see letting go of the bands as they are to be a very hard thing to do.  I know there is no rush – but it’s been on my mind for some reason.  As hard as it can be when people believe I’m married (to someone alive that is), I still find comfort in ‘fidgeting’ with them now and then.  When I’m uncomfortable or nervous or something of the like, I find myself drawn to the rings.  And not just in negative scenarios – but they bring me comfort.  And I need all the comfort I can get.

There have been a few occasions recently when I’ve surprised myself in my ability to fight back tears – two that come to mind were both when a stranger talking to me mentioned ‘my husband’ in the context of a conversation that made me miss you so greatly (even though one was talking to me about cleaning out my old clothes and said I could ‘fight it out’ with my husband – because I would love to fight anything out with you right about now . . .).  But, still there are other times where I am completely caught off guard and something brings me to tears so easily.

It is now just about one week to my birthday.  It’s the start of ‘birthday season’ for our family, and I know it will be a tough go for the next bit.  But, as much as I am dreading my first birthday without you, I may very well have some good company to spend it with.  Though a big part of me feels awful for ditching family (including the girls) on my actual birthday, this opportunity won’t come up often.  Deb is coming into town and meeting up with Jackie not far from here – they are two of the widows I’ve been in contact with, and have really helped me along the way in recent months.  It means I have to leave the girls overnight for the first time though.  I know it had to happen eventually, I’ll only be gone for 24hrs (almost exactly), and they will be in excellent hands, but I’m sure it will still be SO strange.  They are more than excited because it means they get to have a sleepover at Buz and Sian’s.  They can’t wait for me to go.  I’ll be the one who has a harder time with it, I’m sure.  But it will be so great to meet Jackie and Deb in person, and have each passed their birthday’s without their loved ones, so I’m also in good hands.  It will be nice to spend an evening with people who really ‘get it’ – all the strange, funny, heart-wrenching details that come along with widowhood/grief/single parenting/etc.  No need to explain.  And, I’m sure You, Jeff, and Austin will be having a laugh together somewhere as Deb, Jackie and I share a toast in your honour.

I’ll still see the girls the morning of, and we can celebrate with my parents the night before.  This birthday will be tough for a number of reasons, though.  It’s not about turning another year older.  I could care less about that.  Of course I’m going to miss you horribly.  This will be my first birthday without you.  But I am really dreading this one in particular because I will be how old you are, and will be forever.  Though you were only a year older, on your birthday card each year, under the ‘P.S.  I Love You’, I would write ‘P.S.S.  You’ll always be older than me =)’.  I guess always wasn’t the case after all.

Though we never fussed much over birthdays, I will miss you so greatly.  I don’t’ know how else to put it.  I’m trying to focus on something I read on the blog, Home is With You, the other day:

“He would have told her – he would have said, it matters not if you are here or there, for I see you before me every moment. I see you in the light of the water, in the swaying of the young trees in the spring wind. I see you in the shadows of the great oaks, I hear your voice in the cry of the owl at night. You are the blood in my veins, and the beating of my heart. You are my first waking thought, and my last sigh before sleeping. You are – you are bone of my bone, and breath of my breath.” – Juliet Marillier

This is how you are to me now.

Good night, My Love.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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6 Comments »

  1. I always feel like I am intruding reading this, let alone commenting, but this is just beautifully written. I hope that week is more bearable than feared.

    • letterstoelias said,

      Hello Mr London Street,

      Others have said the same, but I welcome comments – and appreciate them greatly. It’s never an intrusion.

      And thanks for the well wishes,
      ~C~

  2. Debbie Thomas said,

    Beautiful post Chelsea (and I love the picts!). Rings and mothering issues. Wow, I can completely relate! I really hope to see you next Saturday!

    Take care,
    Love Deb

  3. Bridie said,

    Don’t rush with taking the rings off if it feels right to wear them. Besides, you are correct that with with two little girls people will judge if you *don’t* wear them. You can’t avoid judgement, no matter what you do, so do what you need to to honour your feelings.

    Also, I wonder: are you really different as a mother? This is just my perspective, but you seem as compassionate and dedicated to your babes as always, only now with significant heartbreak and also with countless “unique” hurdles to navigate as a result. I know there are many ways in which this experience has changed you, but I wonder if who you are as a parent is one of them.

    Anyway, I hope you have a great time with Jackie and Deb next Saturday! The girls will be in great hands!

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thanks so much Bri – I needed to hear that =).

      I guess I do still have the same compassion and express love just as much (if not more) than before – I just worry because I don’t have the same energy and patience for them that I once did (thus, the headless unicorns . . .). It’s a good reminder, though, to try and focus on the positives that have remained.

      Love ya,
      ~C~

  4. Sarah said,

    “You are the blood in my veins, and the beating of my heart. You are my first waking thought, and my last sigh before sleeping. You are – you are bone of my bone, and breath of my breath.” – Juliet Marillier

    i LOVE this!


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