March 7, 2010

You and Me became 3

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 1:33 am by letterstoelias

Five years ago.  Five years ago this moment you were holding my hand, softly speaking words of encouragement.  You had my ‘labour-aide’ at the ready between contractions (I likened it to a boxing coach with the water – squirting it into the mouth of the boxer between rounds . . . ), and I can still feel that loving support you gave.

It was a long, long night.  A long couple of days, really.  As I’ve mentioned before, one of the major losses that came with your death is the loss of memories shared.  For me, E’s birth is especially included here.  Early labour for a solid day and a half (sure, the first part was not painful, but I still didn’t get any sleep), then it was a good 6+ hrs of hard labour, then another almost 4hrs of pushing before she decided to make her appearance (not to mention she was two weeks late and took a nasty drink – with castor oil – to get labour going.  What’s with our girls?).  Given the marathon that was her birth, many of my memories are a little on the ‘foggy’ side.  My Mom, Sister and Brenda were in the house, but aside from the midwives present in our room, with you gone there is no one else to remember now – to help me remember.  But, I do remember the love.

While getting ready for bed tonight, E asked me to tell her about the day she was born.  She listened excitedly as I told her an abbreviated version of the story – including how you had tears in your eyes when we finally got to meet her.  She takes a lot of pride in knowing it was she who made me a Mama, and you a Daddy.  A family was born.  And, though she was born a few years after your diagnosis, it was still at a time when we were under the understanding that the tumour would never come back.  There was so much to look forward to.  We never would have imagined that it would be back again in just a few months, and only four years later you would be gone.

She misses you a lot.  I know she’s excited about tomorrow, she’s been talking about it for days – yet, tonight when saying good night to you, she didn’t want to ‘tell you’ about it.  She’d tell anyone she met in the grocery store, but she didn’t want to tell you.  It’s things like this that let me know how hard it is for her.  She did ask me to tell you for her though.

As with C’s birthday, we’re keeping things pretty low key.  When I asked her who she wanted over, I was thankful when she answered with Nana, Papa, Buz, Sian & the boys.  I would love to have a party with a bunch of friends, but I’m just not up to it so I’m thankful that she wasn’t interested in anything bigger either.  We were also lucky that we did end up getting to see my Sister and baby Penelope on Friday, and were able to wish Bridie a happy birthday too, before they headed home (more on that visit soon).

I’m also thankful that my Mom spent a couple of hours here with me tonight after the girls went to sleep, to help me decorate cupcakes.  E specifically requested cupcakes, and then a garden theme was somehow developed for decorations.  I know that if you were here, it would have been something you would have gone all out on, and had a lot of fun with, so I wanted to try and make it memorable for her – she so rarely decides something like that.  I’ve managed to put a little more effort into her birthday than I did C’s (which I feel a little guilty about), but it’s still hard.  The planning, the wrapping, the food, the cleaning, etc.  And, of course, missing you.

The day will start with waffles for breakfast, a little time together and a simple lunch, then Buz, Sian and the boys will come by in the afternoon to play for a bit.  Later in the afternoon my parents will come over and we’ll have pizza, presents, cupcakes and home made ice cream – in cones with sprinkles.  Her other request.  It will be fun.  You will be so very missed.  Yet another milestone without you.  It will always hurt.

Yet again, the rest of the news will have to wait for another day, as this week has been one of very little sleep with the GI bug the girls had.  Soon though, very soon.  With pictures.  But first, sleep.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Chelsea,
    Once again I relate so much to your post (and you’re right, our stories are so parallel). The angst and grief that hangs over us while trying to make our children’s birthdays just what they want so they can feel happiness and joy as they make new memories, can be overwhelming. (Sorry for the long sentence!). I remember having to takes little breaks just to breathe when Aidan had his birthday 3 months after Austin died. And not having the other parent there, the keeper of the memories of the birth story (’cause Moms are busy doing other things and often don’t remember all the little details), is just so damn sad. This journey is so hard. Sigh….

    You are a wonderful Mom and you are doing an amazing job! Happy Birthday to Eibhlin!!!!!!!! I hope she is able to make some beautiful memories today, surrounded by people who love her. And tonight, maybe she’ll be able to tell Elias all about it. If not, he’ll already know, because I know he’ll be with you and the girls as you celebrate.

    Hugs and love to you,


  2. I forgot to tell you how much I love the pictures!!! They are simply beautiful.

  3. Shannon Bond said,

    What gorgeous photos. Happy Birthday to your beautiful daughter and to you, mom.
    Maybe she’ll want to tell Elias about the party afterward.

  4. brenda said,

    Gorgeous photos – I remember that night well and thinking “We can see the head” meant baby’s birth was imminent. I know now better!

    Saw your cupcakes on your dad’s facebook. WOW! I’m impressed! Your store should also make birthday cupcakes!

    I went into a nursing store the other day and was told I “really needed my doctor’s advice” before using a belly band for support.” Yuck. Also, their slings were over $100 – clearly slings have gained in popularity since Anja was born!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: