March 19, 2010

Well, isn’t that just a kick in the . . . .

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 10:59 pm by letterstoelias

. . . . a$$.  It’s funny though, because I was thinking about this recently.

I picked up the mail today, and in it there was an envelope that I initially thought was strictly addressed to you.  At a glance I could tell it was government mail.  A longer glance and I could see it was something to do with healthcare, and then I knew immediately what it was.

‘How can they when you’re dead?!?  And, they have to know!’  I thought – then I noticed that after your name, it included that lovely statement ‘to the estate of’.  Yes.  It was the bill for your ambulance ride to the hospital.  The night you died.  Almost exactly 11 months ago.

As I said, I was thinking about this recently as it occurred to me the bill had yet to come.  I know MSP often takes ages to send out ambulance bills – but I figured for sure it would have come by now, and then for some reason I guess I figured that perhaps when the person dies they spare the cost.  I guess not.

Anyhow – the money is not the issue.  It’s not that expensive.  It just sucks.  Really sucks to have to pay for something like that (I still have a number of issues surrounding that entire ambulance experience, but I’ll save that for another time).  Not only that, but it came three days before your birthday.  Happy birthday!

Sleep has not been my friend much this week – my head has been racing a great deal.  Even when I try to go to sleep early my mind just won’t shut off.  There is so much to think about it seems.  Your upcoming birthday is one of these things on my mind.  Not only is it your birthday, but it is the 11 month mark since you died – which then also means it’s only one month to the anniversary of your death.

I find I’ve been thinking back a great deal already to one year ago at this time.  St. Patrick’s day was a big one for me.  It had always been a favorite day of mine – I would always call my Grandpa with ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!’ and hear his reply of ‘And the rest of the day to yerself!’  It was a fun tradition we had for so many years.  Even with his trouble hearing the past number of years, he still knew it was me and why I was calling and we both enjoyed it so.  Last year was the first that he had been moved into a care facility and I wouldn’t be able to reach him by phone.  I was sad to lose that tradition.

But that was not all.  I remember that day well, too, because it was not a good day for you at all.  You woke with such pressure in your head, that you couldn’t even get out of bed.  You were supposed to look after the girls while I worked, but it was clear you were in no shape to do so.  It was the first time I saw you in that much discomfort.  But it was just the beginning.  We went through so much in that last month.

I know I’m going to be a slight wreck for the next month – I already had a bit of a breakdown last week on Sunday.  I like to think I’ve handled things relatively well? over the past 11 months – considering – but some days it just hits so hard.  Sunday was one of those days.

I’ll be stepping back my insurance work as of April – I’ll still help out here and there as needed, but I won’t be working ‘regular’ hours.  It will help me focus on the store, and I don’t think that I’d be able to concentrate as much as is required for the insurance biz anyhow.  The Cummings’ have been very good to me over the years – especially in the last year – and it will be difficult to leave from that standpoint, but I’m also glad to be moving on.  It’s scary, but also exciting.

I’m hoping I’ll be tired enough now to fall asleep quickly tonight.  We shall see.  Good night, My Love.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Government. Unbelievable yet not totally shocking. I’m sorry that there timing incredibly sucked. I remember getting Austin’s ambulance bill for the ride that was supposed to take him to the hospital where they would save his life. Except they didn’t. The bill somehow seems like such a nasty thing. Just one more thing added to the “things that really suck” list.

    I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow. Birthdays, one year marks, and the day after, when you realize that you’re now living in the second year without you love, are all so tough. Much tougher than I’d expected. But the sun still comes up, time still moves on, and our kids still grow and bring smiles to our faces (and sometimes a little frustration!). I’m sending you hugs and postive thoughts that tomorrow brings many happy memories and some peace to your heart.

    Take care of yourself,
    Love Deb

  2. Shannon Bond said,

    HI Chelsea,

    The month leading up to the one-year loss of my friend in an avalanche was horrid. I was a ball of anxiety and grief and couldn’t sleep or eat or think straight and then the day of …

    I bought wine-tipped cigars and a Fruit and Nut Cadbury bar (her favourite), packed the dog in the truck and drove out to the mountains on a gorgeous sunny day (I was still in Alberta) and had the most lovely, quiet afternoon.

    It was bizarre. I felt I could release her in one sense and it was a relief. And I had this strange feeling of her fear that must have occurred during the avalanche and actual dying … not soften but it was like the dying stopped for some reason if that makes any sense. As if she’d still been suffocating for a full year somehow and on that anniversary it stopped.

    I guess we all deal in our heads in our own way.

    Seven years later and I sill mark that day with something special. This year I took a pile of kids to learn how to cross country ski on hills for the first time and I laughed and hooted and had the time of my life passing them on the corners and I always feel filled up with her spirit in moments like those. And I always touch base with her mom and share stories and with other close friends.

    And some days still, I just cry at the sheer unfairness of it.

    Thinking of you.

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