April 12, 2010

One, is the loneliest number

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 12:58 am by letterstoelias

(ironic that ‘One’ was a favourite song of yours ….)

Most of my mornings start with C waking up in my bed.  She usually comes in at some point in the night – though if she makes it through the night in her own bed, she’ll come in mine when she wakes up.  Sometimes she plays with my hair.  Usually she crawls back and forth across me getting books from her room to bring back to my bed look at.  Sometimes the books get stacked on me, waiting for me to wake up enough to read to her.  Sometimes she’ll just play about with whatever she can find.  This goes on until E wakes up.

Once E is up the two of them often play together.  The morning seems to be the time that they (not always, but generally) play rather harmoniously together.  Not necessarily quietly, mind you – wearing tap shoes, racing each other down the hallway screaming – but sometimes they look at books together, do puzzles, or draw.  It’s really great to see their relationship growing and it often affords me a few extra minutes to get out of bed, and the harmony doesn’t last throughout the day so I try to take advantage of it when I can.

Once I’m up they are pretty much at my feet and in need of something or need to tell me something or want me to watch something or just want to be wherever I happen to be (bathroom included).  I’m pulled in multiple directions throughout the day – C wants a book read at the same time E wants me to draw with her, or C wants to eat while E has about 101 things to tell me – the usual go, go, go of children (of course at their age they are still intensely dependent on me, and one day I’ll be wishing I had that much of their attention).  In the midst of this I try to get work towards the store done.  I try to keep up with the house.  I try to keep up with the yard.  But the more time I spend with one thing the less I have for others (girls included) and there just doesn’t seem to be enough of me to cover it all.  I’ve taken to accepting a certain amount of mess as the norm to take the pressure off myself.  There are certainly more important things in life.  But I always feel bad when others have to see it . . .

Cooking is still not one of my strong points, but I continue to try and keep up with as much fresh, unprocessed food as possible as that was something so important to you (and is important to me of course too).  It’s tough when the girls are constantly in my way though – constantly asking for food, wanting to watch, or just playing in the kitchen.  I want to involve them like you would always do with E, but I’m still rather frantic and stressed when cooking and it’s tough for me to do.  Besides, half the time when I’m in the middle of cooking there’s some sort of other crisis that goes on – someone had an accident or needs a bum wiped or unrolled half the toilet paper roll or there’s a fight breaking out over who knows what this time.  It seems like just before dinner is when things get the craziest.  The food sometimes suffers as a result.  This is one of the reasons I’m going to try and pack the new little deep freeze I got with meals to make things a little easier once I’m busier with the store.

They girls also seem to have quite a bit of energy after dinner and I try to use that to get them to help tidy up from the day.  E will often try but gets distracted about every two minutes and C just usually refuses.  Bedtime can be hit or miss, but is generally not too bad – they just like to take their time with most everything it seems.  C is now sleeping in ‘undies’ through the night, which is very exciting and means that I am almost finished with the world of diapers.  I feel badly for E as she sees her little sister dry at night and she still struggles with that (SO close, but not there yet) – but I told her it will happen in time, that maybe her bladder is just a bit smaller.  Besides, I’m just happy that she’s become such a solid sleeper so I don’t really mind that much.  I like to stay with them until they are both asleep, and it’s pretty easy with C but sometimes E takes a while and I’m either worried that I’ll fall asleep with them, or I’m thinking too much about the ‘stuff’ I need to do, or I just want some time to myself.

All of this on top of missing you is just so very hard.  Grief is like a full time job itself.  But there’s not much time for it either.

It’s an incredibly lonely existence.  Sure, I’m with two wonderful, cute, fighting, charming, loud, dancing, silly, screaming girls all day long (who I love dearly I might add) – yet I still so often feel terribly alone.  I miss being able to ‘check in’ with you during the day.  Seeing how your day was going.  Telling  you about mine.  Even if it was a 20 second conversation, just to touch base was enough.  To have another adult at the dinner table to talk with – without having to remind to swallow their food before they talk or that if they don’t eat their dinner they will likely be hungry later.  To have someone else say these things for at least one meal a day.  To hear you reading the bedtime stories.  To sit and talk with you on the couch after the girls were asleep, even if we just watched a bit of tv, at least we were together.  I think the rest would be so much more doable if at least I was able to talk with you at the end of the day.  Even just to have your presence.  Someone to ‘be’ with.

It’s been a long year (almost) without you.  I miss you, My Love.


P.S.  I Love You


1 Comment »

  1. Hi Chelsea,

    As always, I can completely relate to your post. Widowhood is very lonely, living without your love and best friend. I was just thinking last night how much I miss having Austin here as my co-parent, the other voice, the other one to do all the things that the kids still need or want a parent to do with or for them. It’s exhausting to always be on, 24-7, and having to not only be the parent but the one who is responsible for everything in running the household. I worry that as my kids become teenagers without their Dad that I’m going to make mistakes and permanently screw them up as I attempt to deal with their hormones and teenage angst.

    You are amazing to be coping as the Mom of two little ones and starting a new business! But the loneliness of being the only one is gut wrenching and overwhelming at times. It is here too. In the end, knowing I’m not alone in all these emotions does bring a little comfort.

    Thinking of you and the girls,


    (P.S. It was great talking to you the other day!)

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