April 22, 2010

A Beautiful Life

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 2:08 pm by letterstoelias

(day 365 – take two)

Elias, My Love

How lucky were we to have something that made saying goodbye so hard.  You lived a beautiful life, and I am so thankful that we found each other, and to have been a part of it.  Thank you.

It was not always easy, but you never asked, ‘Why Me?’ and you and I, we never asked, “Why us?” when dealing with your illness.  We knew cancer doesn’t pick and choose.  Your timeline seemed more defined, and afforded us some perspective on life through the turmoil.  As hard as it was, for that you were thankful.  And so am I.  Cancer didn’t kill you, it taught you to Live.  But, I won’t give cancer all the credit either.  You knew and lived so much of this already – it may have helped you express it to others, but I loved you before cancer, during and I love you still.  You were wonderful, regardless.

33yrs seems far too short.  To soon to lose an amazing Daddy, Husband, Son, Brother, Colleague, Teacher, Chef, Friend, Man.

No, it’s not been easy for those who remain – your biggest concern.  My heart aches not just for me and the girls, but for other family members – parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc (and no need for the term ‘in-law’ here – we were all family), not to mention countless co-workers and friends who cared about you so deeply.  But no matter when, it would have been to soon to lose you.  I’ve encountered far too many others on the same path, and whether by cancer, accident, sudden illness, ‘expected’ or not, old and young – it’s always too soon and many reminders of life (Hug a little tighter.  Kiss a little longer.  Smile at strangers and know it makes a difference.  Listen with intent.  With your heart.  Say, ‘I Love You’ rather than just expecting they know it) come at such a great expense either way.  Neither is ‘easier’.  Neither is ‘better’.  It’s always hard.

Death eventually comes to all of us.  But not so for Love.

The wind is strong today – just as it was a year ago.  I hear you.  I feel you.  Yes, this year has been dark.  But, Love does not die.  I have held on to your love through the past year and will continue to do so.  Through the darkest moments it’s offered enough light to let me know it and to pull me back up again and again, and again.  Your love, and mine for you has got me this far.  I promised you, and I meant it.

I have been greatly lifted up by the thoughts, words, memories of others in the past few days.  Here, you are alive.  No, it’s not the same – but it helps.

For whatever reason, it was your time.  I can’t sit and try to find that reason.  I don’t know that there is some miraculous message here.  It is what it is.  And, at this point, it still is a natural question, ‘Why?’  Why did I have to lose you?

Why?  Because, I was your wife.  And so, so very fortunate to have been so.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

(thanks to sweet/salty kate for her amazing speech on her loss of Liam (because you were his Mama) that I have gone back to time and again for a reminder of the purpose of our ‘dark’, the value of the hole in our hearts and inspired some of this letter.  thanks also to the countless other widow/ers who have so fearlessly shared their hearts, words, feelings, stories, with the on-line community and have played a large part in getting me through this year.  and of course to those the family and friends who have supported me – there are no words, and I am forever grateful)

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9 Comments »

  1. Anna said,

    Well said Chelsea, Well said!!!
    Marlon and I came to see you today…I hope we can drop by later when you are home if you are up for it.

  2. Amber said,

    Chelsea,
    You and the girls remain much in my thoughts and prayers.
    Thankyou for this and all your posts.
    I am thankful to have even briefly witnessed the beautiful marriage you and Elias shared.

  3. Beautiful post, Chelsea. Hugs to you.
    Love Deb

  4. Dan said,

    What a wonderful video, and your words are filled with such amazing love. It was too soon. To have to lose him at such a young age, for your girls to not have their daddy with them, it is all just too much.

    I wish you peace Chelsea.

    Dan

  5. Maura said,

    What a loving way to honour Elias. The video opened a tender and poignant window on your life with him. I feel blessed to have seen it.

    Much respect,
    Maura

  6. A friendly stranger said,

    Today I was thinking about your blog and thought it was time to catch up on this beautiful story… I was shocked that it was already a year yesterday when Elias became one with the earth. Where does time go?
    You and I have never met (nor have I met Elias) but I feel I know the ‘new’ you so well. I thank you so much for sharing your story with us all. Please do not take me calling your letters to Elias a ‘story’ negatively, it’s just I can’t believe something like this could actually happen to such a wonderful man, absolutely loving wife, and to two lucky girls who call Elias “Daddy”. Your words are so beautiful, your love of Elias – so beautiful, your ability to continue on – so beautiful, being such a wonderful mother – so beautiful, and the way you capture images on a camera – so beautiful. Chelsea, being an outsider looking in, Elias was blessed with an amazing wife and mother of his children, the same way you feel about him, I bet he felt that way about you times two! He was very lucky to found you to take him to the next life… he’ll be happily waiting for you once your time comes. Until then, continue to write your beautiful words to your true love. You make me believe there really is such thing as ‘true love’!
    Hugs,
    A friendly stranger

    • letterstoelias said,

      ‘Friendly Stranger’, thank you so very much for your kind, kind words.

      It means a great deal to me, especially at this difficult time. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to comment and share your thoughts – it makes me smile to know I’ve helped others believe in true love . . .

      ~C~

  7. Boo Mayhew said,

    oh Chels. You were fortunate to have found him. No doubt about that one whatsoever … but I want to tell you that he was fortunate to have found you too. You are special, a truly beautiful person full of love and light x


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