May 18, 2010

Thank Heaven, For Little Girls

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 12:09 am by letterstoelias

Hello My Love,

I dread the thought of sounding like a broken record – and I’m sure that I do.  It’s been hard to write lately because of this.  Miss you – Check.  Love you – Check.  This life is hard without you – Check, and check.  But, unfortunately it’s true.  Missing you and doing everything without you – alone – is just so very hard.  Regardless of the people around me – without ‘the one’ in my life it’s an incredibly, incredibly lonely existence.

I often wonder how things would be if it wasn’t for the girls.  If it was just you and I before you died.  Sometimes I think that I would not have . . . survived is the wrong word, but it’s the best I’ve got just now.  I doubt that it’s exactly true though – one thing I’ve learned from this experience is that we are somehow equipped to handle so much more than we would ever imagine possible – but I don’t doubt things would be different.  Who knows.  Perhaps in some ways it would be easier?  I guess there’s no point in wondering – but it happens.

I do know that our amazing little girls are what keep me going in many ways.  They motivate me and give me reasons to smile.  They each have their own unique qualities that scream ‘Elias’, which is a blessing, and painful at the same time.  They are growing in their abilities to express their feelings about losing you – which is also a blessing, and painful at the same time.  E has recited a few more ‘poems’ about missing you, and the other day while driving, C (out of the blue) was playing with her locket and stated that you were in her heart (and in mine, and in E’s).

There are many added challenges with them as well – having two little people who are wholly dependent on you, not only for the usual ‘everything’ that comes with being a child, but also for help handling extremely complex emotions from dealing with the tragedy of losing their father.  It’s difficult to sort out when E really is sad from missing you, or when (though she is still sad) she knows that being sad about it will get my attention and finds that advantageous at times.  I hate to feel that she would ‘use’ it, and I feel mean when I explain to her that though I know she misses you, I feel like that is not really what she is actually getting upset about at those times (and I say it as nicely as possible).  It’s such a tough balance between wanting her to feel able to express herself, yet not wanting her to figure out that she can use it as a crutch or excuse.

But, they really are growing into such a fantastic little people.  My heart breaks for the fact that you aren’t here to witness it – it breaks for them, and it breaks for you.  It’s hard to know just how much the three of you are missing out on.  I guess if you can derive any form of benefit (?) from this, it makes me love them all the more, and try to show it as much as possible.

Mother’s day this year was far different from last year.  Last year we were leaving that day for our trip and I didn’t even really realize what day it was – I had been up all night packing and getting everything ready to go, and was lost in the fact that you were supposed to be joining us.  The trip had meant so much to you.  My Mom was kind enough to purchase a little gift with the girls to give to me, which was the only reason I even noted the day.
This year I knew it was coming and was trying to avoid the negative outlook to it that was creeping up on me.  I tried not to feel bitter as I mowed the lawn and worked on projects in the yard that I knew you would be doing if you were here.  Projects that you would have had a much easier time with, given the amount of physical effort they took (lots of shoveling and moving large rocks . . . ).

Before

After

My Mom had the girls over on Saturday for a ‘special project’, and thanks to her the girls had a gift of a hanging basket that they put together themselves (with a little supervision from Nana) for me for Mother’s Day.  I made waffles for breakfast that morning, and again E asked if we could set a place at the table with a waffle for you.  A friend also dropped by with a beautiful hanging basket for me, which was very thoughtful.

We spent most of the day in the yard, as we had the previous days, and it was actually rather rewarding.  As I dug in one section of the garden bed, I started to discover a collection of little coloured glass stones.  It seemed that the deeper I dug, the more I found.  Along with the stones were a few of the smooth black beach stones you loved to collect so much – so the girls and I decided that you had left the stones for us.  They kept the girls busy for hours and it was actually hard for me to stop digging in that area as I just wanted to keep finding more . . . in the end I’m sure I found over 50.

I’m quite proud of the work that I ended up doing in the yard – it looks much tidier and I hope it will make it easier to mow around the girls swings now.  I have so much more to do yet – but needed to give my back/shoulders/neck a bit of a rest the past couple of days.

*******

The above I started writing days ago and never got around to completing it.  Much has happened since then as we went away to your parents house for the weekend, and I’ll try to write about that soon – for now I’m off to sleep.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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1 Comment »

  1. It was so great talking to you last night. As always, I sure “get” what you’re talking about. Your yard work looks great!! I am very impressed! And as always, the girls are so cute!!

    Take care of yourself. Talk to you soon!


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