May 19, 2010

Here we go again . . .

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 10:41 pm by letterstoelias

It’s such a different experience.  Seeing the flowers bloom again.  The long days.  The birds and butterflies everywhere.  It’s beautiful, as always. But there is more of an anger? bitterness? – I’m not sure what exactly – but it’s difficult to see all of this happening again without you here.  It’s really hard to believe that it’s possible.

Yet, here I am almost a month into year two, and a breath before what would have been our 10yr wedding anniversary.

The girls were out of the house most of the day today and I was finally able to get caught up on some much needed cleaning.  As I was looking for a cd to get me going (and hopefully not be too painful to listen to), I, of course stumbled across our wedding dvd of all things.  Why it was with the cd’s, I’m not sure – but there it was.  No, I didn’t watch it.  But the thought came to mind to try and watch it on Friday.  It would probably be a really bad idea.  Likely torturous.  I haven’t even been able to watch you on video as of yet so why I think I could watch our wedding of all things . . .  We’ll see.  I think it will have to be one of those ‘game day’ decisions.

I know it will be much different this year than last.  Last year it was terribly hard, but I was still so much in shock.  This year I’m far too aware.

Also, as I was cleaning today – I found myself stopping to stare at your jackets in the closet for a bit.  I had not yet ventured into your pockets – it was one of the last few ‘new’ things I have left of you.  Something as small the contents of your pocket are sacred to me now.  I reached into one, and had to smile – a candy wrapper.  That’s all that was there.  But it was from one of your favorite candies.  I smiled, but moments later as I ran my hand across the rest of the sleeves – discovering your ‘smell’ still lingered on one or two of them, rediscovering the familiar feel of the fabric, even the sound.  Next thing I knew the sleeves were covered in tears with my face buried in them.  Of course your chef jackets are all still there – embroidered with your name as well.

After a few minutes I pulled myself away into the kitchen, only to be brought down by a song that came on the cd I put in.  Not much is ‘safe’ these days (not even Glee last night, where this song was played, which of course reminded me of this song – not exactly our story but I’m sure you get the point).  Especially with our anniversary looming.  What amazes me, though, is that I can be sitting on the floor of the kitchen crying and thinking of you – then I’ll take notice now dirty the floor is and the kicks under the cupboards – then go back to crying.  It wasn’t a long bout, but it’s always strange to come ‘out’ of it.  I just sit there for a moment and think, ‘what now?’ or ‘where do I go from here?’  It seems awkward to sit and cry, then to just get up and back to the dishes, but that’s how it goes.

At least it was a fairly productive day overall though.  The girls are both over their colds and feeling much better.  My cold was pretty much gone, but after going to town this weekend I seem to have lost my voice.  We had a nice time though – visited a number of friends, got my haircut, visited family, went to my great uncle’s 103rd birthday party.  It was very busy.  We stayed with your parents and had a nice bbq with a number of your family members on Saturday.  Of course the girls played endlessly with JP, and there were a few moments where I thought – if I squint just enough, or only look from the shoulders down . . . . it could have been you.  But, it’s not.  And, it can’t be.  Ever.

I will do my best to look upon our anniversary and smile – thinking of the incredible joy that came with that day – but I know there will be many tears as well.  Regardless of tears or smiles, I will think of you, as always, with love.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Dan said,

    Hi Chelsea.

    I find myself doing the same thing. Crying, feeling despair, then refocused on what’s in front of me. It often feels like the changing of channels on a television. Although I don’t always have possession of the controller.

    It’s funny that you reference Glee. All of my friends kept asking if I watch it, being that I was a choir & theatre boy back in high school. I kept telling them that I didn’t feel like I could enjoy the any humor, or music, with my current state of mind. But a few weeks ago I began watching past episodes online, and find myself truly enjoying it. Singing used to be such a big part of my life, and now I’m realizing that I need to be open to utilizing those things that used to bring me joy. I’m learning to allow myself the opportunity to put my grief aside, and laugh, or be moved by other experiences.

    As for the contents of the pockets, Michael had this theory that Starburst candies helped take away the nausea from his chemo. He was always craving Starbursts, and I kept him in good supply. During the past 8 months I continue to find Starbursts candies everywhere, in coat pockets, drawers, backpacks, car, etc. Each time I come upon them I get the biggest smile. It’s funny how these little things take on so much meaning.

    I wish you loving memories on you anniversary.


  2. Hi Chelsea,

    I love Les Mis and I Dreamed a Dream has become my sort of theme song. I sing it at the top of my lungs whenever I hear it, and I won’t completely embarass myself in the company of others. I took some students to see Les Mis a couple of weeks before Austin died, and it was amazing, but I can’t listen to On My Own yet.

    I’ve heard Glee is great. I may just have to tune in one of these weeks.

    I’ll be sending you virtal hugs tomorrow. Anniversaries are so damn hard. I was actually thinking about the second one without him, which isn’t even coming up for 7 months, and already planning on what I want to do ’cause I know it’s going to be so painful. I hope that tomorrow you are able to find a little bit of joy remembering your wonderful day 10 years ago.

    Love Deb

  3. megan said,

    wishing you tangible evidence of love tomorrow.

    And – I do that same thing these days too – sobbing and retching, then notice all the dog hair on the floor, cry more, then do the dishes. All very surreal.

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thank you so much (sorry for the delay in response), and glad to know that it’s not unusual to lapse in and out of the tears…

  4. Sarah said,

    i balled my eyes out during Grey’s Anatomy last week and then a commercial break came on and when it was over, I wanted to see the rest of the show so the tears stopped and I went on watching it. yep, my little fit quit at the end of a commercial break. stupid, huh?!

    now……………………….you must come to San Diego. end of story.

    • letterstoelias said,

      I don’t usually watch Grey’s, but wouldn’t you know I’d put it on that night and watch the widower on the shooting rampage at the hospital where his wife died . . . it was very intense
      Totally not stupid – apparently rather normal! Now . .. . . . . . San Diego would be a.m.a.z.i.n.g if I can pull it off.


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