July 22, 2010

Never to busy to forget . . .

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 11:39 pm by letterstoelias

15 months now have gone by.  It was another windy day today (at least in the morning) – I have come to love the wind on days like this.

I also had a split second sighting of a humming bird today.  That’s 5 times now where I’ve spotted one on a meaningful day.  Our anniversary, May 21st.  May 22nd.  June 21st and 22nd.  And now, July 22nd.  I know this is the time of year for them to be out and about – but, though I look for them constantly, I haven’t seen them at any time in between . . .

It has been incredibly busy this past week, as I have managed to get the store open.  It’s not all ‘done’, but it’s running.  It feels good.  I feel like you would be proud.

I opened very quietly on Thursday last week, but with no advertising and nothing aside from a sandwich board sign on the road.  In the morning, for some reason, I suddenly felt compelled to use your ‘Livestrong’ mug.  I’ve avoided that mug like the plague for the past 15 months.  It taunted me from the cupboard, and when someone else would come to the house and use it, it always bothered me no matter how much I tried to let it go.  I feel like it let me down.  Let you down.  Bloody Lance Armstrong (just kidding of course – the guy is amazing – it’s just why can he live through 20 kinds of cancer and most people can’t live through 1???)  But, you did ‘live strong’, and I know you want me to as well.  So, I used it.  And it felt good.

What I consider the ‘real’ opening of the store was Saturday, as – though there was still no advertising done – a neighboring store was having a big event, and helped promote my store as well, which made for a busy day.  Now that things are running I’ll have to get going with more advertising.

I wanted to thank you for my dream the other night.  It was so very ‘you’ that it’s hard to believe it was only a dream.  The part with you in it aside, it wasn’t entirely a good dream though.  I can’t recall all the details – it started out not too bad, but then things got scary.  Very scary.

I remember running down the main road our street is off of, and there were just ‘bad’ people everywhere.  People who wanted to cause harm.  Cause pain.  Again, nothing I can specifically recall – I can’t even remember if I saw these people or if it was just a feeling and I knew they were out there – but I was running like mad to get home and I was terrified.

I came into our house, and you were there, asleep on the couch.  I was crying and calling out for you.  Over and over again – begging you to wake up, screaming that I needed you.  I could almost feel my eyes trying to open during the dream so I could see if you were really there.  I was calling at you for what seemed like forever – but then, you woke up.  And, suddenly, everything was ok.

It had been so dark, but you woke up and it was like the lights came on.  I suddenly felt peace.  Calm.  Relief.  You smiled your big smile at me, and said (just as you would if you were here), “Oh.  Hey.”  Then you simply said, “I love you.”  I ran to you (now crying happy tears), hugged you, kissed you, and told you how very much I needed that.  Then . . . I woke up.  Damn.  My heart was racing.  This was the night before the ‘real’ store opening.

Though I was frustrated that it couldn’t have lasted longer and that I couldn’t remember much else (I think there may have been a ‘tiny’ bit more before I woke up…), it felt good going into the store that day with your words in my head.  Thank you, My Love.

As for the rest of things – there isn’t much outside of the store these days.  The girls are doing well, as always.  They miss you terribly.  The other day, Caia didn’t finish her lunch – she told me she wanted to ‘Save the rest for Daddy’.  I often am told to put a napkin on the table for you as well.  Oh, and the other day apparently you ate a grape she dropped on the ground by the swing-set.

They are quite the troopers, having to spend so much of their summer indoors at the store.  I tried to spend some time outside with them on Sunday – but of course the lawn needed mowing and other weeding/pruning needed to be done.  Eibhlin wants to tell/show me something every 30seconds and Caia just wants to be pushed on the swings and it’s frustrating.  She swings on her belly most of the time – luckily Eibhlin is kind enough to push her once in a while – but seeing this on Sunday just made me break down in tears half way through mowing the lawn (mowing the lawn has become my nemesis for many reasons . . . I’ll try to explain some other time).

I went inside to get some water and they both followed me in.  They sat on the floor with me and put their arms around me and gave me hugs and kisses.  Such incredibly sweet, compassionate, loving girls.  I know they won’t have a ‘normal’ childhood – but I do worry about exacerbating the problem by expecting a bit more help than most kids may have to give a parent.  I don’t want Eibhlin to have to be ‘assistant mommy’ by helping Caia with things, etc. I know she ‘loves’ being in charge right now, but she needs to be a kid.  She needs to play.  They both do.  I’m not saying some responsibility shouldn’t be expected – I think it’s important for any kid – I just don’t want to put too much on their plate because of being a single parent.  Argh.

Well, perhaps these are some things I can get some info on at Camp Widow . . . it’s coming up in just over 2 weeks now.  I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to think about it much – but I’m really looking forward to going.  It will be SO hard to leave the girls for that long (a whole 2 ½ days), but I’m sure we’ll all be better off for it in the end.  There are workshops on parenting through grief, the various stages of childhood grief, and many others, which will be great – but I know it will also just feel so good to meet some of the great people I’ve connected with on-line.  Jackie and Deb (who I already met in person back in February), and Dan, Sarah, Andrea, Supa – just to name a few – will be there too.  I still can’t believe I’m actually going.

Though the night before the store opened, I had suddenly felt the urge to put our rings back on my finger, I left them on my necklace with my claddagh ring still in their place.  I noticed that they smacked me in the mouth a couple of times while I was leaning over and moving about the store – and it made me smile.  I also love the symbolism of the claddagh, ‘Friendship, Loyalty, and Love’ so I am learning to be content with this arrangement for now.  I also have to laugh because – in this weather (it’s been hot off and on here lately) my wedding band used to always give me problems.  I figured the claddagh would be better as it more ‘airy’, but I still manage to have some of the same issues (though not as bad).  Somehow, it doesn’t bother me as much these days though.

Sea Cavalcade is this weekend and the girls are thrilled to be in the parade yet again with the dance studio.  Eibhlin is convinced she is going to wear her acro costume – which is a full body unitard – and it’s supposed to be fairly warm out, but I hope it will be ok.  They are going to ride their bikes this time, so it should be fun.  I only hope they have the pony rides as usual – Caia has been talking about it for months now.

Oh, and aside from almost losing an eye (thanks to Eibhlin ‘weed whacking’ with a stick in the backyard) and a mysterious scratch by her tail, Cali is doing ok too.  She’s getting up there – 10 yrs ago this summer that we brought her home.  She drives me crazy sometimes, but she’s still good company and, though she’s scared of her own farts (which really stink), she looks tough and gives me some sense of security.  I don’t think I ever noticed how many scary noises there can be at night before you died.

Well, I suppose I should try to call it a night.  Angela is helping out at the store tomorrow so I don’t have to be there all day, and I’m hoping to get some time to take the girls to the beach.  I know there are a 100 other things that could be done at house/store/yard – but I think we could all use at least a little time at the ocean.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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2 Comments »

  1. Hi Chelsea,

    Congratulations on getting the store opened! I’m so impressed and motivated by your amazing feats. I’m not going to make it over before we leave next weekend (the boys being in lessons all day every day and me trying to get boat work done between driving them back and forth is eating up our time here) but I am SO looking forward to seeing you in San Diego!!!!!!

    Take care of yourself (and hire a kid to mow your lawn once in a while!). See you soon!!!!

    Love Deb

  2. Sian said,

    Oh Chelsea, I think I might have used the Livestrong mug once when we had tea! I’m sorry! I wish I knew the sentimental value of it. I’ll be sure to pick one of the many Winnie the Pooh mugs next time. And just for the record, Cali’s farts kind of scare me too!


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