July 27, 2010

And so it began . . .

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 11:31 pm by letterstoelias

. . . 14 years ago.  Our first kiss.

Then, three years later to the day, you asked me to be your wife.

I wrote about it in detail last year so I won’t bother to do so again, but this day means as much to me now as it did so many years ago.  I managed through most of the day ok – a little grumpier than usual perhaps.  A bit of a headache as the day drew on.  Tired.  But as I sat down to write, and looked at my words from this day a year ago, the tears had to come.

So many of my words from this time last year – only 3 months after you died – still hold true today.  A thousand times yes, I would kiss you again; and, a thousand times yes, I would accept the ring again.

Some of the words hurt too – as though my ring finger is not yet bare and my rings are still worn elsewhere – my engagement ring is no longer where it ‘should’ be.  Where you placed it 11yrs ago this very night.  A year ago I couldn’t imagine taking it off.  A year later I still don’t feel ready, yet it has moved.

Some may consider this ‘progress’ or ‘healing’, but I don’t.  I doubt that its even ‘acceptance’ of the situation as there are many days where it still – even 15+ months later – seems completely unfathomable to me that I won’t ever see you again. EVER.  The other night I pulled up a photo of you and just started crying.  Often times I just try to look quickly through photos so as to not let it get me.  I know if I look too long it usually does.  But, this is one of my favorite pictures of you and I couldn’t help but stare.  Your eyes.  Your smile.  Your soul.  It’s just so ‘you’ (of course it is, it’s a photo of you . . . but)

I just want to talk to you so badly.  I started talking to the picture.  I can’t begin to express how much I miss you right now.

There is so much happening – so much going on, the girls are changing and I just want you to be a part of it all with us.  I see how much they have changed in the last year and I can’t believe how much you have missed.  How much they have missed.  I see C doing something hilarious and I think of how hard you would laugh at it.  I can almost hear it.  I watched E playing in the water at the beach the other night, and I think of how much you would have loved playing with her.  I can almost see it.

I hate not having you here to share it all with.

As we went to bed tonight, I told the girls a little bit about the significance of this day.  I love recalling those memories and am happy that they make me smile so, but it’s very hard to be without you on days like this.  This day in particular.  This day was just for us.

Birthdays, holidays, even our wedding anniversaries, will usually be remembered by at least someone else – but this date – no one would remember but us.  I wouldn’t expect anyone to.  I wouldn’t even necessarily want anyone else to because it was ‘our’ day.  Now, it’s just me left to remember.  The only one that holds the memories that we shared of something so significant.  So special.  So life-changing.

(pardon the lousy quality – I was too lazy to scan it or do a proper ‘copy photo’ so I took a photo with my computer – reflections and all – not to mention the photo is stuck to the glass and it’s ripped by my eye from the last time I tried to take it out of the frame. . . .also, I know it’s not from either night I’m talking about here, but it’s one of my favourite ‘early’ photos of us, and it’s the one I have behind my desk at the store too)

Time may have changed how severely I react to the pain, but it hurts just as much that you are gone.  I miss you as much now as I did the day you died.  I want you back just as badly.   Along with this I can say that I loved you the night we first kissed, the night you proposed, the night you died, every night in between, and still do now.  14 yrs later.


P.S.  I Love You

I will never stop…


1 Comment »

  1. Hugs Chelsea. Your words are so true. “Time may have changed how severely I react to the pain, but it hurts just as much that you are gone. I miss you as much now as I did the day you died. I want you back just as badly.” Wow, you really hit the proverbial nail on the head. Though I am no longer usually in the fetal position sobbing over how much I miss him, it still hurts just as much. We just get better at dealing with it, especially in public.

    So looking forward to seeing you soon!!! Travel safe and see you in San Diego!

    Love Deb

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