August 3, 2010

Going Camping

Posted in Uncategorized tagged at 11:44 pm by letterstoelias

Well, to Camp Widow that is.  And, though it’s not really ‘camping’ and it’s still a couple days away, but I am very much looking forward to going.

It will be ever so difficult to leave our little girlies behind for a couple of days . . . I just went and looked in at them sleeping all askew in their beds, kissed their cheeks, and thought of how much I will miss them – but I know with my whole heart that going will be better for the three of us in the long run, otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it.

I can’t remember if I wrote this before – but when I was struggling with my decision to go, one of the things that turned it around for me was in an email exchange with Tasha Westerman – she asked me what you would think about me going.  I smiled, and knew in an instant that you would be rooting for me to go.  That made it much easier too (and, as I was chatting with Sian this evening about the trip – a hummingbird happened past the window .  . . ).

I was surprised when an email came to me this evening about getting a group of bloggers together to help be ‘ambassadors’ to those coming into camp alone, who may not know anyone personally but may know us from our blogs and therefore feel a bit more at ease.  I was amazed to be included in this fabulous group of bloggers to whom I have turned so many, many times for support in the form of their writing (and will probably feel a little star struck to meet – as I was when I met Jackie =), but I was sure honored and will happily participate.   Like everyone else, my writing is my form of therapy and though I appreciate compliments on my writing, I don’t’ think it’s all that great . . . . but I guess it’s more the subject matter and what some people out there can relate to and feel connected with – just as I feel with so many others.  We all feel a little less alone.

Which is why this weekend is so important too.  I can’t wait to stand in a room and not feel like I’m sticking out like a sore thumb!  I hate that all these other amazing people are on the same awful road, but walking side by side with them, makes it that much easier for us all.

I’m sure to most who haven’t experienced widowhood – it sounds like something really awful (I still think my mom’s a bit worried . . . ).  A bunch of women getting together to cry about their dead husbands perhaps?  From what I understand, not true at all!  We’ve all shed more than our fair share of tears already and we all know each others pain already.  Sure, there may be tears, but it’s not a big cry fest (there is nothing any one can do or say to cause me more grief over your death), if anything it’s the opposite.

We can all remove the filter and not worry about people misunderstanding us (and our dark, widow humour).  We won’t have to try so hard to explain anything.  We can just ‘be’.  Feel normal.

The more I think about it, the more excited I get.  I just want to go and shout your name from the rooftops.  Claim my status as – not just a widow, but also a part of an amazing community and, most importantly, ‘your’ widow.  How great would it be for all of us to simultaneously shout out or loved ones name with pride and love.

I’m off on a tangent now . . . anyhow – I think a little time apart won’t be such a bad thing for the girls and I.  While it’s great having the ability to spend so much time with the girls and having them at the store with me – since they don’t have anything else on the go these days, I think it was starting to get a bit much on all of us.  As I’ve said before, they love going to the store and are generally great there – but I know it’s a bit more difficult that now I may be tied up with customers more and can’t give them the same attention I did when I was just getting it all ready.  Their amount of time there hasn’t changed, but my attention to them has and it’s a bit of an adjustment.

As such, I tried really hard to ensure we had some great time planned for my days off this past week – but E and I had a rough, rough day on Friday.  For a bit it seemed as though she decided to skip straight through to 15 as she gave me attitude, dirty looks, defiance and stomped around the house.  I know I wasn’t handling things as well as I could have either (I think in part because I had really wanted it to be a great day . . . ) so it made for a bad day overall.  Fortunately, things picked up at the end of the day and have been better since (still the odd issue though, of course).  I know that she is still generally pretty ‘easy’ compared to some other kids her age and I have to try and keep that in mind – I really am lucky – but as a single, working, grieving, widowed parent, it’s just that much harder to take.  And, as a 5yr old who lost their Daddy and doesn’t get nearly the same kind of parental interaction as she once did – it’s hard for her to take too.

It’s also easy to let the negative things in our lives become the focus and take over.  I plan on trying to focus a bit more of my writing on the ‘good’ as well.  This is just my main place to get out my grief and, really – there aren’t many worse things in the world than losing the love of your life . . . but life is not ‘all’ bad either.  Many of the good things are still tinged with sadness of what you are missing out on, and I know this will always be present – but perhaps one day it won’t be so severe.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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2 Comments »

  1. LB said,

    i am so proud of you and your decision to go to Camp Widow. it’s going to be such an enlightening experience. i think of it as not morbid, but exciting for you to go and spend time with others who share a common interest. elias would be so darn proud of you, your blog, the store, and those two beautiful girls you both created with heaps of love.

    always thinking of you.

  2. Wendy said,

    Chelsea-

    Just read your comments on my blog. I can’t believe that was you and I didn’t realize it! I’m so sorry we missed each other. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I certainly did.

    I also looked at your FB page for Giggles ‘n Bloom. Your store looks amazing. What an incredible idea. Will you be selling things online?

    Take care-

    Wendy


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