Dinner Conversation

August 24, 2010

Dinner Conversation

E:  Mama, what’s a step-sister?

(insert a few minutes of me getting myself mixed up with half-sister)

Me:  Are you asking because of Cinderella? (which, unless unbeknownst to me, she hasn’t seen the movie but knows some of the story)

E:  Yes

(insert a few minutes of me trying to explain how Cinderella got step-sisters, and a few more minutes of me trying to explain ‘step’ relationships without much success and without mentioning a potential future situation for us, until finally . . . )

Me:  It would be like if I decided to get married again one day, and if he had kids already, they would be your step-brothers or step-sisters (she finally understood – why it took this scenario, I’m not sure . . . )

E:  Do you want to get married again?

Me:  I don’t know.  Not right now . . . .

E:  But, do you want to get married again?

Me (a little emotional):  Well, not right now – but, maybe.  One day.  In a few years.

(a few moments of silence. . . . )

Me:  What do you think about that?

E:  I want you to get married again.

Me:  Why?

E:  Because, I would like a new Daddy – I mean, a step-dad – to play with.  And, it would be easier with two parents.

C:  Me too.  I ‘ant a Daddy.

(another moment of silence)

C:  I ‘ant to take apart a puddle!  (puzzle)

E:  NO!

And off they run – into their next moment – while I’m left reeling at the table.

*****

Ok  – the rest I wrote in bits and pieces last night – trying my best to explain something so very, very difficult to explain, and something I don’t even know exactly how I feel about.  I initially planned on trying to re-write it yet again tonight, but figure I’ll just post it as is.

*****

I must admit – I’m a little surprised (and glad) that it took this long (16 months and a day) for the idea of a ‘new dad’ to be brought up.  I figured it was inevitable.  I know they miss that type of figure in their lives – just as I miss having a husband – and I know their want for that in their lives does not take away from how much they love and miss you.  If anything, it shows just how much they love you, because they miss what you brought them so.  It still stings a bit though.

I guess I have to just think of it in the way I’ve tried to think of it for myself . . . .

It was just over a month before you died, when you told me you wanted me to find someone else after you were gone. You hated the thought of me being alone.  I hated hearing it at the time, but I now see it as one of the many gifts you gave me, when you told me that I am meant to be loved.

That couldn’t have been easy for you either – but you were adamant about it, and as with everything else, absolutely sincere – it shows how much you love and care for me, that you would want me to always have love in my life.  Still, at the time my sole focus was on keeping you alive.  I was convinced I could find a way to have you with me, always.  I didn’t want to hear it.  ‘Your’ love was all I wanted.

In the months after you died, I never believed I would find another person I could love just as much as you.  And, even if I did, could I put my heart at risk again, knowing that I could just as easily lose another love?  It almost did me in to lose you – could my heart really survive that again??

In recent months I’ve seen/read accounts of new love happening for other widows who were once in my shoes – believing what I believed – and I guess I’ve opened up to the possibility.  I know that when you have your first child, you never imagine you could love anything as much – until you have your second child.  The love just grows.  I still find it so hard to believe I could find someone to love like I love you – but that’s the thing – it’s not supposed to be the same.  It can’t be.  But, that doesn’t mean it can’t be as great.

The thing about love – it’s expansive.  Finding more people to love does not take love away from those you already love (as I will never stop loving you, no matter what).  The more there is to give the more there is to take – and how can that be a bad thing??  (as I told E when C as about to be born).  As for the issue of the risk involved – It still terrifies me, but I know you were worth it the first time around.  I would take this all over again for your love, in a heartbeat.

I know how good love can be.  Trying to find that again would actually be a tribute to you and how good we had it – which is why I think you told me you wanted that for me, and why I haven’t completely closed myself off to the idea. I would have wanted the same for you.  And, I can see why the girls would want to find that again too.  I know (too well) that life is short, and if something good comes along you need to grab hold of it and love it while you can.  A huge part of me thinks that what we had was so rare – how could it be possible to strike gold twice . . . . but it has been known to happen.

As for actually finding someone – well, that’s another story I guess.  With all my heart – you are still the only one I want (I crave) – but my heart also knows that won’t happen.  If/when the time comes, I don’t know how I would let go of the guilt – regardless of what you told me.  I don’t know how I would handle other people’s perceptions/opinions (as Dan wrote so eloquently about recently).  I’m sure your parents would be ok with it – they’ve enthusiastically told me (on more than one occasion) about a friend of theirs who started dating only 6 months after his wife died, and how it was the best thing that ever happened to him (he’s now been happily married to that woman for years).

As busy as I am, I am terribly lonely.  I miss being loved.  I miss giving love.  But, right now I don’t know how to be sure I am ready emotionally (I guess it’s hard to know until you try . . .?)  I don’t feel like putting the time or energy into trying to find someone (one widow I met at the conference actually made spreadsheet to keep track of the guys she was dating on-line.  WAY too much work for me!).  I don’t know at this point who would find my current situation all that appealing anyhow – it would have to be someone awfully confident to not feel threatened by the fact that I will always love you as well.  The thought of dating with children involved seems beyond tough (though, at least now I know the girls seem to be ‘on board’ for it . . . .).  The thought of dating as-is terrifies me.  You were – what – the third guy I ever dated???  I haven’t been on a date with anyone other than you in over 14yrs.  I’m just a ‘little’ out of practice.  As others often write it so well, Jackie recently summed up perfectly how wonderful it would be to just skip through the dating thing all together and go right to ‘comfy’.  I’d be totally up for that.  For someone perfect to fall out of the sky – then we jump ahead 5yrs.

Perhaps I’m thinking too much since it’s not like I’ve set up a match.com profile or anything – but the girls’ comments caught me a bit off-guard and got my mind going.  It is such a strange thing for me to think about another man interacting with them in that way.  No one will ever be their ‘Daddy’ as you were.  I appreciated, though, that E seemed to recognize that herself when she changed from saying ‘new daddy’ to ‘step-dad’.  I know that, regardless of what they miss and of their interest in someone ‘new’, in order for anything to work it needs to be on my terms and in my timeline.  I am lonely, but I also feel (mostly) content to wait.  I just wish you could find a way to provide me with a little more detail on who/where/when . . .

A big part of me hates even talking about at all (even knowing it’s what you wanted for me).  I hate that I have to consider any of this.  It should just be me, and you forever – but, it’s not.  So.  Here I am.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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