September 16, 2010

Moments of Quiet

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 1:14 am by letterstoelias

Today was an interesting day.  Definitely one of my better days this week.

Sunday I didn’t have to be anywhere (though I had hoped to at least grocery shop and take care of my ever overflowing recycling bins – blasted love of the planet!) but I was caught up in trying to finish some product photography that I had offered to do, which took all morning.

I had planned to do it the night before while the girls were sleeping, but my camera battery died and I was stuck leaving it to the morning where I had both girls and two dogs to contend with.

(this is one of a few similar shots)

The girls were battling a fair bit, and my frustration was getting the best of me at times as I just wanted to get the photos done.  The afternoon was a bit better and I managed to get at least a little bit of much needed clean up done around the house.  Monday was a tough day.  It was a lot of running around and for some reason the girls challenged me at every turn.  I had my meeting with E’s kindergarten teacher and when ‘the topic’ of you came up there was some rather uncomfortable exchanges.  By the time we got home I basically hibernated in my room for most of the rest of the evening.  I’ve never given either of the girls a ‘time out’, but I felt like I needed one to keep from loosing my cool.  Perhaps we’re all just feeling the pinch of trying to get into the rhythm of the new schedule.

On Tuesday C had her first day of preschool.  Another first missed . . . .

and music back on this week for her, as well as the girls’ dance classes picking back up.  It was a little deja vu as E finally grew out of her body suit for ballet and C is now in it (we’ve gotten some great mileage out of it!)

I expected today to be yet another crazy day – on paper it seemed as though it would be, but it actually turned out ok.  I dropped of C with Sian on the way to work – she took C to music while E came with me to the store.  It was so nice to have time with just the two of us together.  She has been itching to buy C a birthday present, so now was the perfect opportunity.  We had a great time with that, she learned a bit about money, and it was a pretty easy morning.

It wasn’t long before Sian was back with C, but she then was kind enough to just swap the girls so she could take E to kindergarten, which left me with some one-on-one time with C.  Again – what a difference it makes!  It’s been such a rare occasion that I can be with just one at a time.  My mom came to pick her up a little later in the day, then picked E up from kindergarten and took them home so I had the rest of the afternoon alone in the store, and because I had a meeting with someone from the Aspire group.  From a customer standpoint, it was a little quieter than I would have liked (though the morning was better), but at least it gave me some time to take care of some ordering, etc.

I was home just in time to say good-bye to the girls as my mom was taking them out to the fall fun fair at Elphi because I only had just under an hour before I had to head out for the first preschool meeting of the year.  I was glad my mom was up to taking them as it would have been far too difficult for me still – especially as this year, due to potential rain, they had moved much of it indoors – including the cafeteria.  I took a thank you card into the office a few months after you died, but I haven’t been back in the cafeteria since the memorial.  Still, the girls always state ‘There’s Daddy’s school!’ every time we drive by.

It was strange to be in the house alone for that brief time between when they left and I had to go.  Of course, I’m always up for hours after they go to sleep, but there’s something different about being in the house alone during the day.  Another rarity.  The girls were asleep by the time I got home from the meeting, so I didn’t have to do the bedtime routine.  Again – rare.  It’s not like I ‘hate’ putting them to bed – I was always involved with one or both of them before in some way – but it’s just so very, very different when you are the only adult around 99.9% of the time.  It’s nice having that little break from it (even if it is just to attend a meeting).

So, though I was busy all day, it was actually rather smooth and somewhat peaceful.  I know I’m going to have to rely on a little more help getting the girls to and from some of their activities – which is not always easy for me to do – but I’m hopeful that we’ll get in a descent rhythm.

One of the other things that has been interesting this week is that Coast Parents website featured me/the store in their parent profile section.  It was done in an interview format in order to explain a bit about me, what the store offers, and how it came to be.  Of course, it would be pretty impossible for me to explain any of that without mentioning you.  I had to be honest – it is my life and my truth after all – and though I was worried about it coming across as a ‘sob’ story, or looking like a plea for sympathy, I think it turned out fairly ok (I think it helped that I actually got to write most of it so I had a fair amount of control).

I guess one of the things that’s hard about it is, now I really feel ‘out’.  Sure, it’s a small community and  a fair amount of people know – but so many – and I would say the great majority of my customers – had no clue.  I can’t help but wonder now, when people come in to shop, if they read the article or not when I feel as though they are looking at me in a different way than before.  As always, I am likely imagining more than half of it – but you get a feeling about these things sometimes.  People almost look like they are studying your face more (does that sound crazy???)  Or, perhaps they look at you with a great deal more sadness than the last time you saw them.  Nervous.  Sometimes even friendlier perhaps.

It’s hard to get past these things – and so many aspects of people knowing – but in some ways it’s feels a bit better.  Though there will always be customers who have no idea and may make comments about my husband (as if you are still alive, that is . . . ), at least this may cut down on some of that.  It feels as if there’s less of a facade (though at times I think I liked the facade).

There are some hard days coming over the next while.  Some of which just the thought of bring almost instantaneous tears, but somehow we are making it through.  We have done so the past (almost) 17 months and I’m sure the trend will continue regardless of tears, kicking, screaming.  Fortunately, there is still room for love and laughter too.  Missing you.


P.S.  I Love You


1 Comment »

  1. Debbie said,

    I’m so glad you had a good day. I agree that it is so great to just have some time with each child individually and energizing to have some time away from being a single parent. Just reconnecting with ourselves, however briefly, is so important. Have fun at dance tomorrow night!!!!!

    Love Deb

    P.S. Your girls are SO cute!!!!!

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