November 14, 2010

571

Posted in Uncategorized tagged at 12:01 am by letterstoelias

I stopped ‘counting’ a long, long time ago.  Days, at least.

For a while it seemed important to me to be able to rattle off exactly how much time had passed (practically to the minute) since I lost My Love.  Despite my countless begs and pleas, and though it appeared miraculous to me, time didn’t stop when Elias died so I felt the need to keep a close count . . . an awful form of reality in a life that was suddenly so surreal perhaps?

After a while it began to feel more like self-torture, and so I stopped.  I still count months (‘almost’ 19 now).  The 22nd of each month cannot come and go easily.  Perhaps it’s like with babies, and after the 2nd year I’ll generalize a little more – start using quarters and halves . . . who knows.

I have been dreading ‘this’ day, almost since day one, though early on I hadn’t pegged the actual date yet.  But, as I knew the time drew near, I figured it out.  November 14th, 2010.  No birthday.  No anniversary.  No special holiday or event he’s missing.  Yet, this day breaks my heart.  So, so very much.  It has come far too soon.

As I lay between the girls tonight, putting them to sleep, C played with my hair as she usually does.  Happily, dozily, she drifted off to sleep, not knowing what tomorrow means.  Meanwhile, I felt the silent tears stream down my face, the ringing in my ears and the pressure on my chest as I fought back the sobs as to prevent either of the girls from falling asleep in peace.

My baby.  My beautiful, sweet little C, lived with her father in her life for 570 days.

This is day 571 without him.

Some days just really hurt.

*****

My Love ~ though C has already now managed to live more than half her life without you physically, I know you are in her heart every day.  It’s not the same.  I wish it were different.  But, I know you are there.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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8 Comments »

  1. What a lovely way to remember him and keep him alive. Sad yet beautiful.

    May tomorrow be a joyous day despite the missing half of you.

    Happy birthday Caia.

  2. Boo Mayhew said,

    oh Chelsea, I just felt my heart reach right out to you. You are a beautiful mother to contain your sadness in front of them, that is so heartbreaking. I hope you can be with some friend/family today, so that you can feel support and let it out. xx

  3. Debbie said,

    I’m so sorry Chelsea. I wish I could fly my float plane 🙂 to you for the day so I could hang out with you, listen to memories of Elias and the girls, and do some chores around your house that would be easier to accomplish with another adult helping.

    Elias is with Caia, but I know that a physical presence is so much more. You are keeping him alive in her memory and she will know his influence in all the ways that the three of you talk about him and do things that he would do. I know it’s not how it should be or how you and Elias planned it would be. The way things are isn’t fair. Love and hugs to you all. I hope you find some peace today.

  4. corymbia said,

    Hugs.
    Such a bittersweet milestone.
    This widowed parenting is very hard.

    I can’t stop counting the days yet…… and I just worked out that my grandmother is now twice the age that Greg was when he died. …. and I know she wishes she could split the difference with him.

  5. Heather said,

    Hi Chelsea,

    I’ve been reading your blog for about six months and want to say thank you for sharing. I lost the love of my life in a plane crash on May 16 and it’s been tough, to say the least. Some days are okay; most are not. It just stinks, as you well know. The holiday season is going to be hard this year, and to be honest I’ll be glad when January gets here.

    Not that I’d ever wish for anyone else to go through this hell, but reading what you write makes me feel less alone. So, again, thank you.

    Heather

    • letterstoelias said,

      Hi Heather,
      I am so terribly sorry for your loss. The first six months were such a blur, and the six month mark was especially difficult. . . . I hope it was bearable for you. It really does just stink and the holidays are so, very tough. Try to go easy on yourself as much as you can. I felt badly for barely buying gifts, but I felt like I was going to have a panic attack every time I went near the mall. This year the dread took longer to hit me, but I can feel it again now, with Dec just days away.

      I’ve said the same thing to many other widows, so I know exactly what you mean – and I am very glad if anything I say can be of help and make you feel less alone . . . I really think that’s one of the most valuable things about writing. I live in a very small community where I am practically ‘one of a kind’ (from a young widow with kids standpoint that is) – so the on-line community has really been like a life preserver for me.

      Thank you – and keep in touch,
      ~C~

  6. Mel said,

    I’m a 22nd, too. January.

    I stopped tracking a long time ago, but I was recently inspired to check and realized (thanks to a web site calculator) that it had been nearly 1400 days. I marked the exact date on my calendar and there was something satisfying about the milestone – the big round number. Like writing an emotional blog post for me, it feels good to connect with Greg by acknowledging the sadness of what I’m missing and the triumph of what I’ve endured.

    Thank you for your beautiful words.

    • letterstoelias said,

      Hey Mel,

      I only just realized you were a 22nd too after I read your beautiful post the other day (and thanks for the compliment!) . . . we probably used the same on-line date calculator! I think I found it off of one of Taryn’s posts on widow’s voice. Wow – 1400. That is a big mark. The triumph of what you’ve endured is right – so well put.

      Thank you,
      ~C~
      ~C~


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