November 28, 2010

And now I know . . .

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 6:54 pm by letterstoelias

I found something today.

Something I wasn’t ever supposed to find.  Something I never wanted to find.  I didn’t care to know.  It was his happy secret, and I was happy to keep it that way.  I hate that I now know.  And I hate that he’s not at least here to give me hell for finding out.

I was searching through the office – looking for something completely different – but my office is kind of a holding ground for, well, almost everything that isn’t actively in use.  I saw a box marked ‘Bedroom’, and though I knew what I was looking for was most likely not in that box, I wanted to be thorough.  I’m also easily distracted, especially when looking through ‘memorabilia’.

I knew the box had been mostly unpacked from two moves ago – from when we moved out of our condo almost eight years ago.  I started rifling through some of the items.  The first thing I saw was one of the only ‘stuffies’ he kept from his childhood (compared to my garbage bag full).  I knew this would probably be an emotional endeavour.  Maybe that should have been my signal to stop . . .

Then, there was a little stack.  Old birthday cards and ticket stubs.  On the top of the stack was a random folded piece of paper – I held my breath a little and my hands were nervous as I unfolded it, waiting to see what I may find – only to find an old pay stub.

I didn’t know if the pile was mine, his or ours.  I saw the dates on the ticket stubs.  Many from the year we started dating, some just months before.  I looked at the concerts – they had to have been his.  As I picked though, looking at all the events – stuck somewhere between Van Halen and a Canucks game, was a little yellow receipt.

If I had seen the vendor first I would have folded it right back up – but first I saw the amount, and now I know.  Lawlor Jewellery.  July 12th, 1999.  I could almost see the cheeky grin I imagine he would have had as he paid and took the ring into his hands, along with this receipt.  His plans for the future set in motion.

For a moment I smiled, but a split second later the realization hit – his secret was gone.

When we had it appraised, the jeweller commented that he had picked a good one – wife and ring – after I told him I didn’t want to know how much it was worth.  I didn’t care.  I was happy just to have it on my finger.  My plans for the future set in motion.

Through the building tears I also found, after a few more ticket stubs, the receipt for the box made of chocolate the ring was placed in the night he gave it to me, just over 11yrs ago.

Now, the ring is no longer where it should be.  Our plans for the future came to a crashing halt.  I still wear it, but it’s on the opposite hand, and I don’t know how much longer I will wear it as it is.  My thought was to blend it with our wedding bands (still worn on my necklace) and make a new ring for myself, and perhaps even one for each of my girls from the gold.

I’m trying to release my attachment to material things.  To realize that I don’t ‘need’ these items to prove how much I still love Elias.  But it’s hard.  And so is losing this secret.


I’m sorry My Love – I wasn’t looking for it.  I never wanted to find it.  I’m sorry I spoiled your secret.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Boo Mayhew said,

    oh Chelsea, I can only imagine how you felt. I remember your re-telling his proposal to you and feeling the warmth of the memory in your words. You didn’t mean to find this out, you didn’t betray him even if you feel that you have. You didn’t. I hope that one day you can hold that piece of paper and smile …

  2. Gayle said,

    I love these kinds of finds in my husbands office. They can be difficult to face but the phyical reminders of a love that would last thru 2 children, sicknesss, sudden death all within a close time frame are the sweetest type of things to find.

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