May 21, 2011

One Third

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 2:33 am by letterstoelias

Well, I haven’t gotten around to writing my ‘2 yr’ post.  I still hope to do that at some point – there is a lot to share – but to say I’ve been in a bit of a ‘funk’ in the past month would be an understatement.  A bit of quicksand here and there.  Trudging through mud.  It’s not been easy – I’m surviving it, but I don’t believe with much grace.  My ‘strength’ feels pretty damn weak to me.

Along with this, life has continued to be incredibly busy – the girls were both hit with the stomach flu once again (though fortunately this time I was spared), my parents have been away for much of the month so there has been a bit more juggling to do with child-care and store coverage, especially when the girls were sick.  Above all else, I miss Elias more than words could ever express.

And now this.  Yet another ‘would have been’.

11yrs.

May 21, 2011 ‘would have been’ our 11yr wedding anniversary.  I had the honour and privilege of being Elias’ wife for 8yrs and 11months.  I guess if I have to be a widow, I’m damn proud to be his.

This will be my 3rd anniversary without Elias (which boggles my mind).  We were only able to celebrate the date of our wedding together 9 times (and that’s if you include the day we were actually wed).  This means that I will have already celebrated 1/3rd as many alone as we did together.

* * * * *

How quickly our time apart is catching up with our time together.  It hurts to know this.  To feel it.

As I lay in bed tonight, I slipped my rings back onto my finger.  How strange they looked there at first.  But in no time the familiarity takes over.  This is how it ‘should’ be.

I slide your ring on with them.  Yours loosely dangles, clinking and jingling with mine.  Though this gives me some comfort, this is NOT how it should be.  Your ring should be on your finger, your hand in mine, your face smiling at me and telling me you’d marry me all over again.  If I close my eyes, only if I close my eyes . . .

How I wish it could be with them open.

Instead, I lay here alone in our bed, knowing with all my heart that I would live this hell over again if I had to, to once again say, “I Do” without hesitation.  Love is worth it.  You were worth it.

Yes, I slipped my rings back onto my finger, but probably for the last time.  For today they will stay, but it is no longer right.

No matter what happens with our rings, you will always be my husband, and I will always be your wife.  We never spoke of death in our vows, and death may have parted us physically, but it did not affect the vows we spoke to each other 11yrs ago.  I WILL love you, unconditionally, throughout eternity.

I Chelsea, do take you Elias to be the Husband of my days, the Companion of my house, the Friend of my life. To fill you with laughter & a Love, unconditional throughout Eternity. We shall bear together whatever trouble & sorrow Life may lay upon us, & we shall share together all the good & joyful things Life may bring us. With these words, & all the words of my Heart, I marry you & bind my life to yours.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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3 Comments »

  1. Mel said,

    Oh, so beautiful.

  2. Boo Mayhew said,

    oh Chelsea, my friend …. how I wish I could ease your pain on this day especially. I love you x

  3. I love this Chelsea, because you will always be Elias’s wife. I take great comfort in knowing that no matter where else my life takes me (and even where it already has) the joy of having been Phil’s wife will always be mine, and clearly as far as I know I will be his only wife 😉 I believe that this is true for you too. May the love you have known always be a source of joy and wonder. Happy Anniversary, cheers to eternal love.


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