June 19, 2011

It should be for you

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 2:35 am by letterstoelias

I knew it was coming.  I wanted both of us to have a little ‘preparation’ I suppose.  I gave her options – she could make it for you, for her Papa, for me (since I’m kinda Mama & Daddy all at once), or she didn’t have to make one at all.  She chose to make it for Papa.  She is very excited about it.  Very happy to give it to him.  I am happy that she chose to give it to him (honestly, I’m not sure what you could do with a cat note-pad at this point . . . ).

But, it hasn’t been easy for her.  In fact, of the three that you haven’t been here for, this one has hit her the hardest.  It can’t feel great to be the only kid in class who doesn’t have a Dad to make the craft for.  It ‘should be’ for you, because you ‘should’ still be here.  She still goes through most of her day-to-day life glowing, happy, smiling, incessantly chatting about, well, anything.  But missing you has been hurting her more than usual this week.

I’ve noticed it with C too.  A few times in recent days she climbs on me, giving me big hugs as usual, but repeating ‘Daddy, Daddy, Daddy’ while doing so.  Seemingly happily enough, but I could tell something was up.  I asked her if she was calling me Daddy, of just saying it – she said she was just saying it, and that she missed you.  The last day of preschool came last week – many parents were there for the beach day, and the teacher was instructing the kids to stay with their mommies and daddies.  C shouted out ‘My Daddy died’.  The teacher handled it gracefully, but I could hear a minor collective gasp.  I think there may have even been a few parents who didn’t know still.  Even after more than two years, moments like that hit hard.

Tomorrow, as we did the first Father’s Day without you, we will be heading into town with my parents to go and see my grandparents.  Tonight the girls and I were counting how many Father’s Days each of my grandfathers have had.  How many my Dad has had.  You had four, and only one was with C.  Next year, it will be as many here as away.

It’s a ridiculously huge gap in their lives (I hate to even use the word ‘gap’ as it sounds WAY too small).  The girls have some wonderful men in their lives, but it’s. not. the. same.

For me, it’s hard to play both rolls (as my friend Deb wrote so accurately about) – it’s impossible, actually.  I will always wish we had more of you.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over feeling that both you and the girls were terribly cheated in all of this.  It was not enough time.  Just, not enough.  But, I am thankful that the love you gave them in the short time you were a part of their lives, has lived on.  And, I know it will continue to live in them for the rest of their lives.

Tomorrow, we will also take time to celebrate you as a Father.  As Daddy.  We will honour the love and care, smiles and spirit you gave to your girls.  If the weather is right, we may launch another lantern for you.

Thank you.  Thank you for making the most of the few years you had as a Father, and for being an amazing Daddy.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. Boo Mayhew said,

    Chels, I’m thinking of you all today, with heaps of love x

  2. Debbie said,

    Beautiful post, Chels. We’re hoping to light a lantern tonight too, if the wind and rain ever stop. I remember Aidan’s first Father’s Day craft three months after Austin died. The teacher had talked to me ahead of time and I’d prepared Aidan, but it is so hard for them to be the only kid in class who doesn’t have a living Dad to make the craft for. I find this day to be the hardest. Our kids hearing about and watching other kids celebrate what they don’t have. Shitty. I hope the visit with your grandparents in the city is nice and we all get to send off our lanterns tonight.

  3. bridie said,

    Beautiful post, Chels. I find the picture of Elias and the girls both heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thinking of you today and especially of the girls. I wish they had a chance to really know what a great Dad they had and to really know how much he loved them. It was such a beautiful thing to see him with the girls.

  4. Mandy said,

    Hugs and love to you and the girls!!

  5. greggieswifey said,

    Beautifully written my dear. Continuing to pray for you and the girls. Love the lantern idea. Great way to honor a great daddy and a great husband. 🙂

    Hugs and love to you my friend.

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