July 27, 2011

In the nick of time . . .

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 3:42 pm by letterstoelias

I didn’t want to hold too high of a hope it would be done today.  I didn’t want to get let down.  But still, of course I hoped.

She knew how important it was and was hopeful too.  And I know she worked hard to make it happen.

She told me, after all was said and done, that many things could have gone wrong – but nothing did.  They even managed to fit in my last minute engravement request.

And it’s done.  Today.

* * * * *

It’s done, and I have it back.  Today – 15yrs from the day we first kissed, and 12yrs from the day he asked me to spend the rest of our lives together.  From the day he gave me a ring.  One of the three, that now makes ‘the one’.

Every time I think of that it brings me to tears, but in a good way as well.  I can hardly stop looking at it.  I can feel it’s weight . . . it’s definitely a ‘thicker’ ring than what I am used to, but it had to be.  It represents so, very much.  I appreciate the weight.

It sings to me.  It shines with the love we shared from that first kiss 15yrs ago this very night.  Fireworks (this post from 2yrs ago will explain that . . . ).

Of course, it’s not what I envisioned.  When he slipped the first ring on my finger 12yrs ago, I never imagined I would be standing at his funeral less than 10yrs later.  I never imagined I would eventually feel the need to take it off or change it.

But, death got in the way.

I still suffer from ‘phantom ring syndrome’.  Now that I have removed my claddagh ring from my wedding ring finger too.  I feel the ‘itch’ of a ring.  The need to twist it.  The need to rub my thumb across the band to ensure it’s there.  Sometimes the need to hide my bare finger.  And, I know I will miss my rings as they were.  It’s only been a few hours, but I’m hopeful that the new ring, though on the other hand, will help cure some of this.  It’s the same thing, only different.

And the claddagh?  It has now moved to my middle finger on my left hand, turned with an open heart.

I don’t know if there will ever come a time when a new ring or two will sit on ‘that’ finger again (and though I hate speculating about that on this particular day . . . ), I’m happy that I would be able to show, on my hands, just how big the heart is, how strong, how tenacious, how expansive, and capable of fitting in more love than anyone would have thought possible.  How you don’t have to let go of one, to allow for another (anyone with more than one child understands this).

I know Elias felt damn lucky to have my love, as I was to have his.  We loved each other fiercely.

No, it can’t erase the heartache I still feel.  I still ache to spend this day (and every day) with him.  I have shed tears of sadness already on this day.  But my heart is happy to be able to wear this ring.  I will carry my love for Elias with me for life, and my ring will show that.  It was the absolute right decision for me.  There was not an ounce of regret.

I look at it, and – especially on this day – I can feel him smiling at me.  I know he would ask me the same question again if he could, and I know I would, without a doubt, say ‘Yes’ once again.  And, in a way, I am.  I am saying yes to carrying his love forward with me, for the rest of my life, no matter what else comes my way.

Before

After

After

(not the greatest shots, but I was rushing and will take more soon . . . also, there is still a ‘little’ gold leftover, and our diamond ‘chips’ from our bands to be incorporated into the girls rings when $$ allows)

* * * * *

My Love,

Amongst the sadness of what I am missing today, I feel you around me.  I feel your love.  Your warmth, and your smile.  I can picture the scene in the car the night we first kissed, 15yrs ago today.  I can picture the scene in the restaurant when you proposed 12yrs ago today.  Thank you, ever so much, for trusting me with your heart, and for taking care of mine.

I know you felt lucky as I did to share in the love we had.  I feel honoured to have been able to love you the way I did, and still do.  And as our love is stronger than death, it will remain represented on my hand, through my new ring, carried with me for the rest of my days.

This ring reminds me that I was loved, fiercely.  That I love, fiercely.  That I am worthy of the best kind of love.  And, it makes me smile.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

The beauty that can be, when love is cultivated.  Our love is a sacred thing, like the mysteries of the night.  In the darkness unwavering, and still so strong come the light.  Our love is an infinite thing, like the suns last rays on the sea, as it sets low in the west and the moon rises.

Advertisements

9 Comments »

  1. LB said,

    what a beautiful ring. elias would have loved it.

  2. Sarah said,

    it turned out beautiful …i LOVE it!!

  3. Wendy said,

    It looks beautiful, Chelsea! I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do with our rings. This gives me inspiration. I won’t be at Camp Widow this year. Have a a great time!

    By the way, I’m speaking at the American Brain Tumor Association’s Patient-Family meeting on Friday. I will be thinking of you and Elias and the others like us who lost people to brain tumors.

  4. Greggies Widow said,

    Tears …

    So glad you had it for today 🙂

    It’s beautiful.

    ❤ u .

  5. This made me cry. For my bare “ring finger”, as well as yours. The ring is beautiful, as are your words.
    : )

  6. Debbie said,

    Oh Chels,
    I have tears of sadness and of happiness for you. The ring is beautiful. Hope your sweet memories wrap you in peace tonight. Love you!

  7. Christine said,

    Your new ring is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!! Your decision was so thoughtful – as it was when you got your tattoo. It’s no wonder that you’re pleased with the outcome of both. I love how you honor Elias. Clearly your love for each other was fierce.

  8. Shannon said,

    The ring is gorgeous and i’m glad you have an open heart. What a journey this is. Are you sharing the inscription or is that private?

    I’m glad the ring turned out as you had hoped.

  9. Alison said,

    I found your blog by accident a while back. Just wanted to tell you how inspirational your writing is, and the rings are absolutely gorgeous in their new form as well as their old. What a perfect tribute for you and your daughters. You have a beautiful family.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: