November 7, 2011

Stuck

Posted in Uncategorized tagged at 9:32 pm by letterstoelias

*I wrote this over a week ago, and I guess I was a little too ‘stuck’ to get it posted . . . things have settled some now and I’m coming out of my lurch, but I figured it was worth posting anyhow – as it won’t be the last time I’m sure, and perhaps others have felt the same once or twice .  And, thanks to U2 for the reminder (not that widowhood is really a ‘moment’ by any means . . . )

I’m feeling somewhat stuck these days.

Life never stops moving between work, school, dance, house, yard, blah, blah, blah – but, I feel as though I have.

I don’t feel like I’m ‘that’ much busier than last year, but I certainly don’t feel like I’m keeping up with it all as well.  I think before I used that feeling of being overwhelmed as my motivator.  But, sometimes, it’s all just too much.  Then, I shut down and just do the minimum.

And this is where I get stuck.

Because it’s easy to just say how hard it is and let it all continue to pile up.  Then I end up missing Elias around more than usual, and I get stuck deeper.

I feel like I make attempts at ‘moving forward’, and when roadblocks are hit, it throws me back and gets harder to pick myself back up.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been working too much and not sleeping enough this past couple of weeks.  Walking around in a bit of a fogged over glaze.

I’m not even really sure where I’m going with this post . . . . sigh.

I know I’ve snapped out of these ‘lurches’ and ‘slumps’ before.  Maybe it’s time to read ‘Oh the Places You’ll Go’ again for a little more inspiration (I’ve written about my feelings on how this book relates to widowhood in the past . . . )

And, the thing I know now, that I didn’t know 2 1/2yrs ago, is that I ‘will’ move forward.  No matter what.  I get stuck, but it won’t be permanent.  Just as it says in the book – “Unslumping yourself is not easily done”

I’m so thankful for the widda friends in my life – along with a few of those who aren’t widowed but I have met because of it.  I’m continually amazed by the value of the connections I’ve made.  Having those who will drop a note, even just to say nothing more than ‘Hi’ and letting you know you are thought of at a time when loneliness is at it’s peak and getting through the day is more of a struggle then you could begin to let anyone know.  Being able to send off a huge vent of an email and knowing it will be met with an open heart, listening ears, understanding, and knowledge you are not alone.  It would be amazing to live a little closer – one day we’ll get that commune going….

Slowly but surely, this helps me feel a little less ‘stuck’.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

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