December 2, 2011

It’s NOT the same . . .

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 9:58 pm by letterstoelias

. . . but he’s still with me.

I wish beyond words it was in person, but it’s still nice to know that – when needed – he knows it, and lets me know he’s there.

Is it enough?  I’m not there yet, but it’s something and it gives me comfort.

It has been a rough couple of days.  I went to town this past weekend (perhaps I’ll write more on the rest of that another time) to visit some friends and family, including my Grandparents.  My Mom had called me the day before and let me know that Grandpa (her Dad) was not doing well, and that perhaps it may be too difficult for myself or the girls to see him that way.  Maybe we didn’t want to go.  My aunt had suggested that he may not make it to Christmas.

As much as I think of death as ‘less scary’ than before, it’s still hard – but I knew that it was important for the girls and I to see him, and especially so if things were not great.  Unfortunately, life has taught us how to handle things like this.

We did go, and though both my Grandmothers were not there, we went with hopes to see both my Grandfathers.  My Dad’s Dad was fast asleep – looking so peaceful in his bed with his hands clasped together, not unlike how C often sleeps.

We went off to see my Mom’s Dad (they are in the same home), and as we entered the common area he was in his wheelchair, but the attendants advised us he was just falling asleep.  I said hello and he responded – seemed to know who I was.  The girls excitedly tried to show him their new stuffed dogs a friend of their Oma’s had given them, but he was clearly very drowsy.  We exchanged ‘I love yous’ a few times, and I just spent a few moments kneeling beside his chair, holding his hand and rubbing his back as he dozed off.

The visits were brief, and as the girls and I left, though I didn’t expect it would be the last time I saw him, I couldn’t be sure.

Yesterday morning came a call from my Mom.  Grandpa had been taken to the hospital and was unresponsive.  After a few arrangements were made, my Mom headed off to town and when I heard news later in the day things were not looking positive.  Last night I spoke with my sister, and a cousin as well – but as I headed off to bed, rather late as usual, it was yet another of those moments where missing Elias was felt more acutely.  I felt uneasy in my home, going to bed alone.  Just wishing I could melt into him and feel safe and loved with his arms around me – and though he wouldn’t have been able to stop what was happening with my Grandpa, I know it would have felt better to have him here to help me through it, and I spoke this into the darkness of my hallway as I forced myself to bed.

I didn’t go to sleep expecting to dream of him.  The thought hadn’t crossed my mind at all.  I did feel perhaps I may see a ‘sign’ of him at some point, and knowing he would be ‘there’ to greet my Grandpa when the time came did give me some comfort.  I tried to go to sleep feeling this.

The dream started out just as odd and random as any other.  I think I was a designated driver for some friends, and some of their friends, and I think there was some tension/frustration/anger as to where we were going.  The dream was becoming quite uncomfortable (with other things happening I can’t fully recall at the moment), but seemingly out of nowhere I remember a door opening up, and there he was.  Smiling at me with his arms outstretched.

I ran into him. Hugged him and felt his arms hold me.  Safe.  Loved.  I cried – tears of joy, and just a release of how much I needed that.  He just held me tighter, told me he loved me, and that he was always there for me.

I know he was in the dream in other ways – I remember walking with him hand-in-hand and just feeling as happy as I’ve felt in a long while, but I just kept going back to him over again to be held and to feel his arms around me.

It used to be, when I had dreams like this, it would make my heart race so much it would wake me up too soon and I’d be frustrated at the dream coming to an abrupt end.  I don’t recall much else of the dream, but thankfully it wasn’t rushed, and I just woke up feeling his love and comfort.  And I smiled.

When I got to work, I turned on the lights with the ceiling fan and shortly after one of them turned itself off without me noticing.  I only noticed when, a few minutes later, it turned itself back on (I heard the ‘click’ sound it makes and saw the room brighten a bit).  I had to look up and laugh, only to see the light go off again a few minutes later.  I turned it on, it turned itself back off.  This happened a few more times before it finally decided to stay on for the day.   This particular light has been known to behave oddly in the past, but nothing quite like that.  It will often turn itself back on (or just the fan will turn on) after I turn it off at the end of the day, but I don’t recall it shutting itself off before.  I know it runs on remote, and I know it could be on the same frequency as something nearby, but I also know that a medium once told me that Elias would communicate with me through lights and electricity, and I can’t help but smile when something like this happens – even if there is a scientific/rational explanation.

As for my Grandpa – only the next few days will tell.  It does not look good at all – he is one tough cookie, so I’m not counting him out just yet, but I’m also trying to prepare myself.  Christmas has not proven to be the best time of year for my family, and this year is shaping up to be no different.  It’s hard enough without Elias here at this time of year . . . and though it’s not the same and I don’t know that it will ever feel enough, I’ll take the comfort he gives me in my dreams.

(here are a few photos from visits with Grandpa earlier in the year)


P.S.  I Love You


1 Comment »

  1. […] try to take some comfort in knowing that he’s got some good company with Elias now (and go back to my dream with him offering me comfort), but – regardless of the length and quality of his life – I love him.  I miss him. […]

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