September 15, 2012


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 12:39 am by letterstoelias

They sure have a way of messing with you sometimes.

I’ve had some good dreams with Elias in them.  Some great ones (so great I question if it was just a dream).

Of course, some not so great ones too.  And, some just awful.

Recently, I had a dream where I discovered that he really had never died after all.  At first, I was a little ticked at him – “How could you let me think you were dead for almost 3 1/2 yrs!!!  Do you know how f’ing hard this has been!?!?!”  but then, I was just too happy to see him again to be mad (he also had some interesting excuse that he had to as he was on the run or something from some bad guys, then I believe we were on the run together).

Last night though, was one of the awful ones.  Really, really awful.  Painful.  I woke up at 3am, could hardly swallow because my mouth was so dry.  Breathing hard.  Heart racing out of my chest.  I’ve had images from the dream flashing in my  mind throughout the day.

And now, I can’t seem to convince myself to go to sleep.

I tried to go to bed at a decent time (for me).  I have to be up early to take a ferry.  I’m really excited for tomorrow . . . I’ve been looking forward to it for a while now, as we’ll be seeing Elias’ youngest brother and his wife for the first time since the funeral, and meeting their two daughters for the first time.   I’m exhausted.  I need sleep.  But that dream is haunting me.

I’m trying to release my fears.  Deep breaths.  Wipe the tears away.  Let the pain in my heart subside.  Tonight, along with the dream, there is just more missing.

I’m sure if I stare at my computer for long enough, eventually sleep will come.  In the mean time, this song came to mind and seems to fit in some ways . . . though not in others.


P.S.  I Love You



  1. mel said,

    Hugs to you, dear friend. I hope you’re getting sleep. I wish I could make it better. That song makes me cry, too.

  2. JJ said,

    this was nice 🙂 I loved that touch of the song in the end

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