October 24, 2012
Holy, it’s been a while . . .
Since school and dance has all started up again, the busyness continues. We also had a wonderful visit from Elias’ youngest brother and his family, along with my Mom taking the girls and I on a little trip to Disneyland!
I am just as far behind on reading blogs as I am on writing mine, but so it goes I suppose.
I am feeling some frustration at the moment, and guess I just waned to get it ‘out’ though.
One of the things I find so incredibly, horribly difficult about being an ‘only’ parent, is lack of support that you can only really get from a spouse when it comes to decision making, ESPECIALLY when it comes to the kids.
I know that sometimes coming to the same decision with another parent can be equally as frustrating (at least I think I vaguely remember this?) but Elias and I were so often on the same page with things in the few years we were able to ‘co-parent’, that it was always pretty easy. And, whatever decisions we made together, I had him to back me up on when talking about it with anyone else.
Home-births. Vaccinations. Vegetarianism. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Now that it’s all on my shoulders, it’s extremely difficult. I am IT. I know there are some benefits to this as well. I always get my way*! But, I liked having someone to bounce things off of. Someone who had as deep a stake in it as I did. Someone who it meant as much to.
Of course there are other people in my life now who love my girls incredibly. I know they mean a lot to other people. But, it’s still different, and the end decision is still solely mine. AND, when people disagree with me, I don’t have that person to back me up. I don’t even have that person to at least vent to when people disagree. I think I also spend more time second guessing myself and/or trying to justify myself because I’m alone in it (and a lot of what I go on is by how I ‘feel’ in my heart/gut which can also be more difficult to explain . . .)
I know all my decisions aren’t ‘popular’. I know I don’t always go with expectations of society (which I think is where much of the difficulty comes from). But I also think I know my kids and myself well enough to know what is best for us as a family. I like to think that somewhere, Elias is ok with the decisions I’ve made. That he is silently backing me up.
I just wish he could find a way to tell all of us that. It may not make others agree with me, but at least I’d know I’m not alone in it all. . . .
(as a note – this was written extremely quickly and without re-reading it to edit/proof/whatever or else I figured I’d never get it posted – so hopefully it makes sense and isn’t grammatically too terrible!)
(*and, all this said, I think it would be EXTREMELY difficult to ever then have to transition back to having to make decisions WITH someone again – though I gather for the first ‘ever’ when it relates to the kids, it will still be me . . .and, there would have to be someone for that to actually happen with . . . )
P.S. I Love you