October 24, 2012

Frustrated

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 9:09 pm by letterstoelias

Holy, it’s been a while . . .

Since school and dance has all started up again, the busyness continues.  We also had a wonderful visit from Elias’ youngest brother and his family, along with my Mom taking the girls and I on a little trip to Disneyland!

I am just as far behind on reading blogs as I am on writing mine, but so it goes I suppose.

I am feeling some frustration at the moment, and guess I just waned to get it ‘out’ though.

One of the things I find so incredibly, horribly difficult about being an ‘only’ parent, is lack of support that you can only really get from a spouse when it comes to decision making, ESPECIALLY when it comes to the kids.

I know that sometimes coming to the same decision with another parent can be equally as frustrating (at least I think I vaguely remember this?) but Elias and I were so often on the same page with things in the few years we were able to ‘co-parent’, that it was always pretty easy.  And, whatever decisions we made together, I had him to back me up on when talking about it with anyone else.

Home-births.  Vaccinations.  Vegetarianism.  Etc. Etc. Etc.

Now that it’s all on my shoulders, it’s extremely difficult.  I am IT.  I know there are some benefits to this as well.  I always get my way*!  But, I liked having someone to bounce things off of.  Someone who had as deep a stake in it as I did.  Someone who it meant as much to.

Of course there are other people in my life now who love my girls incredibly.  I know they mean a lot to other people.  But, it’s still different, and the end decision is still solely mine.  AND, when people disagree with me, I don’t have that person to back me up.  I don’t even have that person to at least vent to when people disagree.  I think I also spend more time second guessing myself and/or trying to justify myself because I’m alone in it (and a lot of what I go on is by how I ‘feel’ in my heart/gut which can also be more difficult to explain . . .)

I know all my decisions aren’t ‘popular’.  I know I don’t always go with expectations of society (which I think is where much of the difficulty comes from).  But I also think I know my kids and myself well enough to know what is best for us as a family.   I like to think that somewhere, Elias is ok with the decisions I’ve made.  That he is silently backing me up.

I just wish he could find a way to tell all of us that.  It may not make others agree with me, but at least I’d know I’m not alone in it all. . . .

(as a note – this was written extremely quickly and without re-reading it to edit/proof/whatever or else I figured I’d never get it posted – so hopefully it makes sense and isn’t grammatically too terrible!)

(*and, all this said, I think it would be EXTREMELY difficult to ever then have to transition back to having to make decisions WITH someone again – though I gather for the first ‘ever’ when it relates to the kids, it will still be me . . .and, there would have to be someone for that to actually happen with . . . )

~C~

P.S.  I Love you

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8 Comments »

  1. txmomx6 said,

    Being an “only parent” has been one of THE most difficult and frustrating, and heart-wrenching things I have ever experienced. I hate it …. in that Jim’s presence would’ve done so much to give my decisions/vote credence …. and weight. Now that it’s just me, I know that my children sometimes question, as I do, my two cents. I know for a fact that my opinion would never have been questioned had Jim been here to back it up. But he’s not, and so it is. Sometimes.
    So yes, that part of only parenting is difficult. But ……. being the first, and the last, voice that gets to vote is often times freeing. I have the last say. I don’t have to compare my opinion with another’s. It’s just me. Sometimes that’s difficult. Sometimes it’s easy and freeing.
    But it’s never boring.
    Never.

    • letterstoelias said,

      Never boring – that’s for sure! Thanks Janine =) I always value your feedback ❤

  2. mel said,

    You are doing a wonderful job, dear friend. It is perfect because you are following your heart and gut. I believe in… you.

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thanks Mel . . . love you ❤

  3. Bee said,

    Chels, you’re not obligated to justify your parenting decisions to anyone.  People will always have opinions and your own may change over time.  You may find yourself looking back wondering if you made the right choice when you decided x,y,z, (oh wait, that’s me…)  but if you find you are in a position of always having to defend your choices, you might want to come up with a standard response like, “I care about you and I can appreciate that we have different opinions on this, but I’m not willing to discuss it further.  I hope you can respect that.”  

    I can’t imagine parenting alone.  For different reasons, but nonetheless.  I think I knew Elias well enough to know that he’d be super proud of the job you’re doing with the girls.  Óe might even tell you to cut yourself some slack and relax a bit more sometimes : )

    • letterstoelias said,

      Thanks Bri – I love that you are one who really knows what Elias would say and I can almost hear him through you sometimes. I value that so greatly . . .

      You, and a few others, also manage to find ways to be supportive regardless, which a appreciate. With some, I think even if they didn’t agree, if there was just at least support in the difference it would be easier.

      But, hopefully one day I’ll be able to sit more comfortably in my own decisions without feeling the need to justify. And listen more closely to you (and Elias!)

      ~C~

  4. Nadine said,

    Dear Chelsea, I remember what an amazing mother you were when I knew you in Canada. You care so much. I am sure Elias would be intensely, joyfully proud of all that you are doing, even if he could see all the difficult and imperfect moments that must go alongside the wonderful ones.

    I am suddenly back here reading your blog since I came across this article which instantly made me think of you. I hope you don’t mind me passing on the link. And when I read your latest entry just now, I thought yes, there is definitely something in the stars…

    http://leoniedawson.com/the-incredible-joy-of-loss/?inf_contact_key=aa45889964858ad1a3e39b214946297044903f8239c49f50dbf4c5acdd224608

    Lots of love to you, and the girls… and Elias-in-the-stars.
    Nadine

    • letterstoelias said,

      Nadine! It must be ‘in the stars’ for you to contact me . . . I was JUST thinking of you the other day too ❤

      I'm looking forward to reading what you sent and will do so now – but it was lovely to hear from you, and I thank you for your kind words.

      ~C~


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