December 24, 2013
And so, this is Christmas
Our fifth without Elias.
I’ve had to count, and recount it over a few times to be sure, and then once again because it still doesn’t seem possible.
And, somehow, even though I’ve been through this four times already, five has been rough. Harder than number four in some ways. Perhaps because 5 just ‘feels’ like a more significant number…?
There are still tears. In the shower. After the girls are asleep. Looking at pictures. When a certain song or two comes on. And, though it’s by no means ‘all’ bad – we have had plenty of fun, happiness, and made some great new memories – the weight still presses a little harder on my heart.
There are still moments where doing anything seems to take a great deal of effort, doing little things overwhelm me greatly, and so many, many things get left undone. Time still gets lost in moments of staring silently at nothing.
It’s easy to say that I really thought I’d be ‘better’ at this by now (at least the handling of it, I mean), but I have travelled long enough on this road of grief to understand that it’s just not that cut and dry. (I also recognize that I ‘have’ come a long way in my ability to handle things over the years – and I did manage to keep my store afloat, get the kids to all their classes/concerts/etc/etc/etc)
Greif aside, I have no doubt Christmas would be much, much different with Elias’ influence (in person, of course – he still has a strong influence around here…). But, he was always much more ‘festive’ than I. Even though I run a retail store that needs this month to get me through the next, I personally tend to shy away from an overly commercial Christmas (perhaps especially in the last few years it’s been harder for me to focus on ‘stuff’). While we certainly recognize Santa, I’ve generally tried to ensure he wasn’t the main player in the season. That he didn’t get all the credit around here. And, sometimes I feel like a bit of a scrooge for it.
I appreciate the magic and wonder my girls have in Santa and don’t have any plans to ruin it, and sometimes feel perhaps I should just play into it more, though, they do seem to be more than happy with what happens around here, regardless.
I know a big part of why I don’t want them writing big ‘wish lists’ to Santa, is fear. I know that ‘my’ one and only wish can’t be fulfilled, and though I don’t think they would ask Santa for their Daddy back (I’m pretty sure they ‘get it’ when it comes to that…), I know it is on their hearts too. C has been talking about wanting him back constantly for a few weeks now – just two nights ago she told me she didn’t think she could go on without him any longer – and last night E asked me if I was sure that Voldemort didn’t kill Daddy…
While so many kids ask for toys, my kids already generally wish for that which I can’t give them, and I don’t want to let them down (I’m not even including having Daddy back here). I feel like they’ve already lost so much in this life, how can I explain that Santa can’t bring you an admittance letter to Hogwarts, or grant you the ability to do real magic? Or, a real live bunny or kitten? (ok, technically he ‘could’ do that one, but it’s just not happening at this point in our lives)
Tonight, now that my sweet girls have finally drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a fun morning, Santa’s smoothie will get drunk. His cookies will get eaten (along with 10 baby carrots for the reindeer), and he will fill two little stockings with plenty of fun (with a bit in Daddy’s stocking too).
I, will wrap presents. Wintersong will play in my head on repeat, and a few tears will likely fall, among thoughts of happy memories, and imagining what Elias would do/say if he was here (remarkably clearly at times).
Tomorrow, a candle will burn, and the girls will have a fun morning. And, though it’s not exactly as any of us wish it to be, I will try to take comfort in knowing that he’ll be smiling along with them…
Merry Christmas, my love…
P.S. I Love You