May 12, 2013
Being a Mother isn’t always easy, even under the best of circumstances. I know some pretty amazing Mothers. Many, who have had to be Mothers in ways they never imagined.
Mothers who fight for a better life for their child with special needs or medial conditions.
Mothers who take care of both their child/ren, and a spouse with an illness or disability.
Mothers who have had to face giving birth alone.
Mothers who have faced the death of their child, or dreams of being a Mother seem to have died.
I know some Fathers, who have had to take on the roll of Mother as well, following the death of their spouse.
And, Mothers who have had to take on the roll of Father as well.
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My Mother has watched me suffer in ways she never would have wished, and felt helpless. Elias’ Mother, lost her oldest son at far too young an age.
Becoming a Mother was without a doubt, the greatest moment of my life. And, I got to do it twice. My girls, are without a doubt, the greatest joys of my life.
Sitting on the couch, awake all night four years ago, facing the unthinkable task of trying to figure out how exactly I was going to tell my girls that their Daddy had died, was one of the darkest times of my life (the darkest, clearly, having occurred immediately prior). I had no idea how to breathe any more, let alone manage our family – alone.
Since then, I have faced some pretty big challenges as a Mother. There are moments I’m far less than proud of. There are moments that have hurt more than I can even share.
I’ve held my girls as they cried for their Daddy. I’ve witnessed their pain and felt that helplessness. I’ve listened to their dandelion wishes, candle wishes, ‘if I caught a leprechaun’ wishes, all to have their Daddy back.
But, I’ve had some pretty damn proud moments as a Mother too. And, my girls – our girls – are amazing. Beyond amazing. I won’t even try to put it into words at the moment. I love them to bits and never stop telling them so. Never stop making sure they feel it. That they feel enough love, as if from two parents.
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I foggily recall my first Mother’s Day after Elias died . . . we had just left for the cruise that he was supposed to be on with us on (his parents, mine, and his grandma, along with the girls and I), and I had to leave dinner early as I thought I was going to be sick.
As I am looking at my 5th without him now, there is more joy in our house, and in our hearts now than there was at that time 4yrs ago. It’s still not always easy. I still miss him every day. We all do. Greatly.
It’s always going to be bittersweet. Big moments and celebrations will always still come with that ache.
And, moments (like what happened in my living room just now that I can’t even explain . . . ) that could be so little and insignificant, or I could read into it a message from him, and it brings me to my knees in instant tears.
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I’m incredibly thankful to the Moms I know who support me on my journey. Who encourage me, listen, advise, help, and set an amazing example of Motherhood. I’m forever thankful to my Mom, who does so, so much for the girls and I, every day.
I know plenty of Mom’s whose Mother’s Day wish is to be able to go to the bathroom alone, to have an uninterrupted phone conversation, to sleep in – those are my kind of wishes often too!
To all those amazing Mothers out there (and to those who are missing their Mothers, or never got the chance to be one), this day, and every day, I make a wish for you. I wish that you know your strength. Own it. I see it, every day. Doubt creeps in so easily, and so often . . . I wish it goes away as easily as it comes.
Though I know I can’t wish away the waves of grief or despair any more than my girls’ wishes for their Daddy to come back will be answered, I wish that you will continue to get up faster each time, and they come less frequently.
And, whoever is missing from your life, or whatever struggles you are facing, I wish you peace, comfort, joy, and love.
P.S. I Love You