The Math of Grief

March 28, 2018

The Math of Grief

It’s been so, SO very long since I’ve been to this space.  I never felt finished here, and there were many times I’ve come close to writing in the past few years.  I’d open the page, only to leave, wondering what more I really had to say… though I always wanted to try and at least ‘close’ it in some way, if I was done.  So it has sat as life has rolled along.

So, what brought me here tonight?  Math.  Of all things.

I know I’ve written about the numbers related to grief before.  This is not a new topic or idea.  But, this latest number I’ve hit, has been hitting me.  Hard enough, I suppose, to write it out.  And, it hasn’t even been a crying-over-it kind of thing (though, maybe the extra amount of tears I had over his birthday this year were in a way related and I just hadn’t connected the dots yet? that definitely hit me harder than usual), but I can feel the weight of it on my heart as I’ve been walking around the last couple of days.  And now, as I sit and write.  I can feel it’s compression within my chest.

Eight years, eleven months and a day.  That’s how long I was lucky enough to be married to Elias.  3258 days.  As I am writing this, I have been widowed for eight years, 11 months and 5 days.

Seeing as she was only 18mos old, it unfortunately didn’t take long for C to have lived longer without her dad than she did with him.  E of course took a few more years, which then also marked the point at which I had been parenting alone longer (I wrote about that here too).  Reaching the point where I had lived with Cali longer than I had with Elias was one that caught me off guard.  This current ‘milestone’ was one I thought of often, early on, though I had never pegged the date and it always seemed impossibly far.  It wasn’t regularly on my mind by any means… but, I suppose where we can turn our brain off at times, our heart remembers.

I was having a hard time falling asleep.  My mind was running through various things between selling my store, year end choreography, some struggles one of the girls is facing, friends passing the 10yr mark since their loved ones died, the 9yr mark coming up shortly… and then there it was.  Practically at the moment it occurred, the realization hit me.  I’ve been widowed longer.

And that sucks.  Really.

In the (almost) 4yrs since I’ve written here, we’ve had countless ups and downs.  I surprised the girls with a road trip not long after my last post (for the 5yr anniversary that Elias died).  We drove down the Oregon coast, all the way to Big Sur in California.  Just the three of us, camping most of the way, even though I had never taken them camping before at all.  The following year (also on the anniversary) we added a new member to our family, our beautiful dog Phoebe, who is an absolute joy in this house.  The girls have both performed dances in honour of their dad (E two years ago and C last year).  Teaching dance has pulled me away from the store quite a bit, and with how much the girls are dancing now, the future of the store (or at least my connection to it) is uncertain.  I have a daughter who, is now a teenager, and has dated (only one boy, at least!) more than I have in the past… well… many years.  Oh, and we now have a cat.  I’ve had to deal with a leaking roof, flooding garage, and falling down fence. I’ve painted almost the entire interior of the house.  I took the girls out of school and homeschooled them for a year (which was seriously wonderful).  And we are now coming up on all the 10ths.

I think this is the other bit of math that brought me here.  In just a few weeks, we will mark 9yrs since Elias died.  I’m hoping to take the girls for a horseback ride (to make up for the one we never managed to get on the aforementioned road trip 4yrs ago, though that is quite a story).  And after that day, the 10ths will begin.  Each important date.  Every annual event.  Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.  Each one, will be the 10th one we’ve passed without Elias there.

And, that sucks. Really.

~C~

P.S.  I Love You

 

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